Ring On or Ring Off????

[ddstartingover]

Thank you. It's all so hard. Still. To accept what H is doing/has done given the person he was to me and everyone else for so long, is very very hard. I second guess, because if this is his reality now it truly does not make any kind of sense. I second guess because I love him and thought I knew who he was. I second guess because it's gone on so long that it's easy to think that I was wrong for all of those years. He has also told me that THIS is who he is and he is fu*&^ng happy.

I am so busy with everything on a daily basis---just trying to keep up (and I don't even have mowing our 5 acres to do on top of it all in the winter), that the thought of a project is pretty hard to imagine. I would love to clean all the clutter out of my bedroom and paint. I completed a major remodel last year. I took on the project before H left. After he left I thought I would make sure it was perfect for his return. Now, I know it's all for me and my kids----assuming I can afford to live here after the D. It was a very stressful, long process and everything was complete except carpeting of the stairs and some repair work on the floor in the living room (things that weren't done right before carpet). I got to the point where I couldn't make ONE more decision about it all---and I didn't want anyone else in the house. I know I need to tackle that---and get it complete. I am glad that I hadn't done the carpeting before my recent flood............however, I probably shouldn't do that until my hardwood floor is repaired/refinished, and I was told that I have to wait 30-60 days before that can be done (to dry out). I really didn't need that broken plumbing part and water damage at this point. My garage needs cleaned out---can't even walk through it. It is all overwhelming.

I need to get to a point where I can really explore what makes me happy. My identity has been tied to H for so long----and I know now what a HUGE mistake that was. I do wish I would have learned that before THIS. Now I'm faced with not knowing who I am or what makes ME happy at 44 years old. I don't even know where to begin. I am thankful to be employed, with a co-worker that is quickly becoming my best friend. She got me out twice last weekend, when I really would have rather stayed home alone----which is not what I need at this point.

When I first came here, before I returned to work, I explored some GAL things. I learned to make jewelery. I took a stained glass class. I can't find time to make jewelery. I didn't get my panel finished before the stained glass class ended, and haven't had time/taken the time to finish it on my own.

There are lots of things to do. Getting started/finding the time is the hard part. I will try to make that my focus, but I will admit that my mind is so preoccupied with the D process and what the outcome will be, that it's hard to think of anything else.