He said he is done!!

[jasper67]

I would use the 48 hour rule- look you said it yourself- yes you have news for him but -"feel I need to at least hear his voice."
That's not a good reason to speak to him.
Imagine that it doesn't go well- you're basing your happiness on hearing his voice- on him. He rejects you or is an a$$ and you're three steps back.

Compose yourself and keep busy. Start to detox from him a bit, let that power he has lessen.

I know it may be hard, but if you do it- it will get easier.

[lostnotgone]

Have made it this far today with no contact - trying really really hard!! I am one of those FIX-IT people and having a hard time not being able to fix this NOW! Have to keep telling myself we did not get here over night it will not be fixed over night. It has been almost a month and 1/2 since H left the home and I just do not think that we are making progress fast enough.

[lea74]

Lost -hang in there. My H left 7 months ago and I thought he would be home by now. I am also a fix it person and need to fix things now, however you do have to be patient. I am sure that if I had been more patient and not so accessible (I responded to every text, phone call, email etc almost immediately) he may have had a chance to miss me. Now he just thinks I am being a b..... when I ignore him.

Keep yourself busy, read, run, walk, clean , cook - do whatever it takes to take your mind off H unti you feel strong enough to talk without emotion.

[lostnotgone]

This is where I am having issues - when is it too much contact and when is it not enough. I know I can not talk about R at this point. He needs to figure out things as well.

He does not make the first contact - its like he has gone dark. Maybe he is reading the same books...:)

[lostnotgone]

Calling H this morning to see if he will meet me for lunch. I am going to be positive - but if he says no I am prepared for that too. Got a good night sleep - up and dressed (having a good hair day too!). Goinig to keep the conversions light and SMILE like CRAZY!!

If he does not want to or can't think I will take my D16 and I to lunch.. she is homeschooled..

[jasper67]

LNG- that's a tight line to walk- esp when there are children. I would try to go a bit w/ NC and if there's any at all, it should be about the little one. Everything else though is spot on, the PMA, smiling, upbeat, and detached.

It is hard and it is uncomfortable- but it will also protect you from beig tossed around emotionally and allow you to detach; at the same time- he will notice that you're not there, initiating or immediately responding.

Good job yesterday

[lostnotgone]

How long is a bit - we have not spoke since Sunday (and that was a positive talk - we agreed we needed to work on being friends).
How do we work on being friends with NC?

He called the other morning to talk with D13 and I just answered and handed the phone to her. Do I wait for him to initiate? afraid he will not since he was the one that decided to leave.

HELP!! this is so not natual!!

[jasper67]

You may need to hear from some others b/c I would not call myself successful at this.

I would let him initiate- I guess thats the best way. I hope some others will weigh in; but your H will have to initiate- in the meantime do all the things you are doing for you, if he texts dont reply immediately unless its an emergency, otherwise calls should go to VM; and returned when you are not feeling anxious or excited.

[motherof3]

Calling H this morning to see if he will meet me for lunch.

What is your motive here? I see this as pursuing.

[lostnotgone]

Motive - good question...
1) need to tell him the decision about the house.

2) and this is the hard one... I am having issues detaching - I feel that if I disconnect completely I will really lose him. This is why we are where we are...we disconnected from each other - shut eachother out. How do we get back with total detachment?