Thanks Lotus. From what I read, Retro is very good for both communication and building a feeling of emotional connection. Those are the two places where I think we've gone astray.
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
Yes, it is a great experience. I know a lot of people are frightened to go. I loved it. It was a time and place where I really felt safe. Our arguments had gotten so emotional. But they taught us how to approach each other, laid ground rules for communicating that made the issues come out without the hostility and the blaming. And then they taught us how to talk about what we wrote. Everything was very controlled. But all discussion took place just between the two of us, no counselor sitting in giving opinions. We learned to do it for ourselves.
Sometimes people need to investigate it a little to get comfortable with the idea of going away for a weekend to do something like this together. MC is a good start. Some MC's are very effective and get you where you want to go. Sometimes the more intense program is more effective. But simply making the effort to go to someone for help is a big step, and one to be applauded.
Just read a book by Elliot Katz called something like "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants." Basically presents the position (supported by lost of quotes from over the centuries) that a man needs to be strong, decisive, etc, and that being a Sensitive New-Age Guy ain't enough. Summed up as "If you don't lead, I can't dance."
This makes me wonder if that's a key 180 for me. I've been bothered by my inability to put my finger on what W finds lacking in our M. But in the context of that Katz book, a bunch of her complaints seem to fall into place:
I feel like I have to run the house myself
You just sit there on the couch all the time
When I hired someone to do the landscaping, you just complained about the work they did
I don't feel like I have a partner
It's certainly true that I often let her decide things, when I really don't have a strong preference for one choice or the other. Maybe I need to start making more decisions, taking more control of where we're going. Hmmmm.
Me:45 W:42 T:11 M:9 S:4 ILYBINILWY:12/6/09 W agrees to MC: 2/12/10 my thread
