how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

Oh, by the way, consider how good the hug felt, recognize that hugs from all men you love might feel just as good, and choose to use it as a strength, not as a source of sadness. He needs your help by you helping yourself.

Did you decide about the painting?

[talia]

OTM,
You have slightly redeemed yourself with the above post
That is the best advice you have given - you are learning!!!

Oh - and you are not the "wolf" - maybe just the black sheep?
You are making strides and its good to see you giving great advice as you go - keep it up!!!

T

Sorry for the hijack!!

[trytryagain]

all very sound advice...i'd probably have thrown myself at his feet without the things i've learned from all of you on this site!

i am doing my best to be strong and becoming the best person i can be. i know i can only hope that my H will take my lead and work on himself, too...but it does give me little rays of hope when he does things like trek through a blizzard to see me.

the hug definitely didn't make me feel sad...it made me feel hopeful. and the way his body relaxed into my arms gave me the impression that he felt the same way. i know he has to want to help himself and he has to want to work on our M, but at least for the moment i don't feel like he's made up his mind against our life together. which motivates me to work on myself even more.

[Onthemountaintop]

That's great to hear, TTA

[trytryagain]

by the way, OTM...my H didn't say anything about me not moving. he did offer to paint and spackle when i move out next weekend, but we'll split the cost on the supplies.

i've painted enough walls to know that i HATE painting so if he's willing to do it, so be it.

he knows i plan to move a week from this saturday. he told me that living on his own hadn't accomplished what he'd hoped it had (which was to get some physical space between us so he could focus on his new job, which he hasn't been able to do), so...even if he'd asked me to move in with him, i think i'd still need to do at least 2-3 months in my own place while we moved forward. but that's a big if.

i really hope he finds a good IC. i know how much damage the wrong one can do.

[Onthemountaintop]

Why do you think you need the time? Is it to make sure he is sure? If so, you might want to think about letting him know if he does ask.

Great to hear you didn't have to paint - I love painting for the first 20 minutes...

[trytryagain]

i hate everything about painting. and considering the fact that i've moved about 10 times in the last 10 years, i've done my fair share and i take NO thrill out of doing it. i've had to do paint jobs on my own before, so i know i CAN do it. i just don't WANT to.

maybe i should ask, but i feel like because all of this is more or less his decision, that i would be pursuing if i asked about moving in with him if he wasn't at a point where he could tell me he wanted to work things out.

i guess i need the time to give us both a little room to recover. we split for about a month once before and when we reconciled, we jumped right back into the way things had been. this was before i'd ever read DR, so i had no idea what "piecing" was or how on earth i should function in this newly mended relationship - except to make the same mistakes i'd made before. but yes, i would like to know he is serious. again, i'm not at that point. i think he has a lot of soul searching to do, and i think he's too confused on what he wants right now to make a clear commitment. and i can't and won't settle for anything less.

[Rhody5]

trytryagain- wow, let me know how you deal with the ups and downs like that. My H came back a few times like that and it was so hard. So true what you said about trying to stay strong but wanting just to curl up in his arms..

And so damn tiring to always have to think about things.. I miss when I could just act on feelings (like a kiss when he left) and not have to over-analyze or counter in a way every action he takes.

And I'm in this blizzard craziness too. Still kind of in disbelief that he hasn't even reached out to check on the house but agree with what someone said above at how nuts you can go without being able to visit friends, get out,etc.. Thankfully shoveling and the dogs have kept me busy and outside.. and yes, wine is definitely a key part.

Hang in there and share any helpful tips!

[trytryagain]

it's confusing for sure! haven't heard a word from him today...and yesterday he treks through a blizzard to see me! all i can control is what i do in response, so i'm trying not to sit by my phone and go out and get a life...although, as many have said, it's really hard when i'm snowed in and transportation is a nightmare!

i know what you mean about always having to think about things, like, what did he mean when he said that, what did it mean when he did this??? it's very tiring and i guess at some point (probably the point at which you just let go) you just have to stop over analyzing everything.

i did talk to a great new life coach on the phone today...not quite a DB coach, but after 3 sessions, i couldn't really afford more and this person is much more affordable for me, so that's the route i'm going. it helps me keep my head on straight and it's also really nice to have a completely objective person to talk to.

[trytryagain]

also, in terms of some legal advise for those of you in the know...

my parents suggested i talk to a friend of theirs who is a family lawyer. i haven't spoken to her yet, but my mom said that her friend (the lawyer) said that i should be the one to initiate any separation agreement. now, like i said, i haven't spoken to her yet so i don't know why that would be, but it seems like most of the posts on here have said that unless you're ready to throw in the towel, or you're trying to send your spouse a wake up call, that you shouldn't be doing or filing anything to help separation or divorce along. i guess i need to talk to their friend first and hear first hand what she has to say, but...

thoughts?

my H moved out 2 weeks ago. we verbally agreed on who would get what (we don't have much), but he hasn't asked me to sign any legal separation agreement. he seems to be wavering on what he wants to do right now anyway (regarding working on the M or not working on the M), so i feel like if i pressed him to sign papers, it would push him to not want to work on the M. but...i also want to protect myself.