OTMT: I married her WITHOUT KNOWING HER. Doesn't that ring the bell - I had THREE SHORT LETTERS FROM HER - that's all! I didn't have any connection.
This is a difficult situation. There may be hope if you try to address the reasons she finds you disrespectful. If she learns to trust you, maybe you two will get to know each other after all this time better and connect. On the other hand, I do not know that I believe as strongly as some of these other posters that marriages that happened before two people knew each other well can ultimately survive. Maybe they can and happily. I don't know. I had friends whose parents had happy, arranged marriages with not even just three short letters! So it's hard to say. Good luck.
I believe arranged M might work for many. Difference? I was in her country to study, not to marry. With many arranged ones, the families know each other, so there is some shared culture, values, etc. We had none - except some on the religious grounds, but not enough.
Still, your encouragement is helpful rr22 - thanks~
It sounds like she and you have totally different assumptions about some things, and that you have not been able to communicate with her in a way that she can hear you, except coercively.
Very fair, sadly true. I usually tried a soft approach when we first M, but as the years hardened me, I let my anger take control for a while. Then I became more distant and did what is called "barganing" in the book I'm reading.
If you don't mind me asking, did you mom ever get to a stage where they could accept one another as they were, not fighing so much? Is it just a matter of another 5 years and suddenly I'll wake up and find I love enough about her that my forced/chosen respectful & loving attitude (improving, not perfect) becomes natural and deep?
I'm not convinced that Retrouvaille would be helpful either. The problem is I don't know what else to do, other than being here. I can't change my assumptions that I think are right. I know I need to change by accepting her based on her background. It's just so hard for me.
The MC (now my IC) said 1/2 way through our sessions that she recognizes her lack of understanding made it harder to see my W's point of view. I'm hoping that her IC that she is just going to start seeing next week might be able to at least bond with her enough to help bridge some of those gaps (we aren't in MC anymore).
Like I wrote before, I think you need counselling from someone who can bridge both cultures. I'm sure that's available out there, you just have to look for it. And your W may be waaaay more open to participating in a process where someone finally "gets" where she's coming from .
The story of my parents had a sad ending. My mother left my father due to his harshness, then he died soon after due to a health condition that probably wasn't helped by losing his wife and 2 tiny children. They had no support, no one who helped them to bridge the cultural gap. Other intercultural marriages do manage to work through their problems, and imagine outside support often plays a big role in that. Your W is at such a huge disadvantage being both a SAHM of many children, being away from her family, and being in a culture that is not her own. It's unlikely that she will be able to blossom as a person until there is more support for her and her POV.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Weird question perhaps, but my W knows I'm communicating with a forum to try to get help for our M. She feels angry about this and demanded that I share what I write. Option two was that I stop. Option three was she would 'find some man who she can talk to and maybe would love her for who she is'.
I would not share what I write.
I find option 2 & 3 very controlling / spiteful or strange.
Option three was she would 'find some man who she can talk to and maybe would love her for who she is'. Comments?
Yes. Why don't you find her a man she can talk to who would maybe love her for who she is. Why don't you be that man?
That is what we mean when we say be the best that you can be. She is asking you to do it. Talk to her. Ask her about that man. What would he be like. What would he talk to her about? How would he show her that he loved her? Do you know who she really is? Do you know how she sees herself?
I'm trying to be more like that person, but what she was asking for I couldn't offer, not yet at least. I felt she was so controlling to ask me to cut off all ties to anything online unless I'd share everything. She read my email once, misunderstood it, and then got very angry and demanded a D. Why? A misunderstanding! Even when I tried to explain in calmly, she didn't (and partly doesn't) believe me.
So do I cut off all ties? Do it only behind her back?
Hmmm. That sounds like the ponderings of the person having an affair. Are you having an affair with us? You are not the first person whose spouse has been unhappy over this site. As a matter of fact, that's how Greek joined us. She saw that Coach was spending a lot of time talking to us and she joined the site to see what was up, and stayed. Some people have dropped the site and honored the spouses demand. I assume that the spouse gave something on that deal too. Others have changed their names and returned. All decisions of what to do in your situation of for you to make because you will live with the results of those decisions. But do take note of how you feel when a spouse tries to control you so that you can avoid doing the same to her.
i'm not sure how to answer your questions. i don't know how i would feel if my H knew i was on this site. i see it as an outlet for me to get support, advice, and to honestly and openly talk about what's going on in my M that brought me here to begin with. did you let your W know that the site was for people trying to figure out how to save their marriages? i know you're in more of a position of trying to figure out IF you want to save your marriage, but the fact that you're here, doing the work, should say something to your W that you are not taking any of this lightly.
basically, i feel like i can use this forum to say things that i would maybe say in IC, or write in my journal, but that i wouldn't necessarily share with my H or friends/family. so i get why you wouldn't want to share your writings with her. but i agree with Lotus...what kind of outlet does your W have in dealing with all of this? does she have close friends/family she can talk to about things as she's trying to figure out what SHE wants? i know you're not at a point where you feel you can give her what she needs in terms of being that outlet...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Ya, it is like she sees it as an affair. I did,very clearly let her know it was to help me. I asked her if she thought I had improved my behaviours since I began (she said not really ):
I emailed her the jist of a few converstations to show her what kind of ideas I was going through the last time she felt offeneded.
