Bipolar Spouse

[undefeated]

I am sorry he has hurt you. And I know it is no consolation that he doesn't understand what he's done. The rational mind says, "Well he damn well should know!" And I agree. But you are dealing with someone who is, at best, rational 5% of the time.

He has blinders on. He exists in his own world. There's a constant crowd in his mind and so focusing on you is nearly impossible unless you cause him pain. None of this is a complete description. He probably literally cannot focus on you unless you inflict a strong emotion. And there are certain bipolar individuals who actually experience both mania and depression at the same time. I did, and it is bizarre to say the least. So not only is his mind racing and unfocused (if he has this particular malfunction) but he's sad and sensitive. It's not right, and it's not fair to you, but it is part of the disease.

Why won't he even call?

I want you to understand that this is my best guess. I'm no psychiatrist and the disease process is unique to each of us.

IMO it would depend upon his state. If he is manic, you probably don't enter his mind. He chases whatever idea his mind can fix on at that exact point in time. For me, it was easier to fixate on things and people that evoked strong emotion. I was also hyper-sexual (a typical manifestation of bipolar disorder). This meant that what I could most often focus on was men who made me feel sexy. I could focus on my husband when he made me angry or sad. Unfortunately and shamefully, even my son rarely had my full attention. I took care of him in the sense of his basic needs, but I was never really all there. I sought things that made me happy, even fleetingly. It could sometimes keep the depression at bay for awhile.

If he is depressed then he probably feels everything is his fault. And I didn't just mean any affairs or that he's abandoned you. I do mean everything. Things he couldn't possibly control - the weather, traffic, the washing machine breaking - once a bipolar person starts to spiral to the bottom, it is definitely a snowball race. And we wallow there until the mania kicks back in. I felt utterly alone, and this is when many begin to question whether the world would not be a better place without them or if death would be better than this horrible existence. The bottom of the well is not a pretty place to be.

And if by some chance he is "lucid" at this time he may be staying away from you out of guilt and remorse. He may feel he has done enough damage, too much to come back to you. He will probably draw himself into a depressed state out of guilt and shame.

This man literally does not have the ability to be the man you married. He isn't necessarily lost forever, but he is currently lost within his own mind. Imagine if you will trying to swim upstream in a huge crowd. For his real self to push to the front takes a colossal effort, even if he wants to. I'm not saying he has other people in his head (totally different diagnosis ) but it's a fairly good analogy.