My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

I'm having another of those "end of my rope" times. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, I can't sleep because my stupid dog won't stop whining for whatever reason. I'm coming up shortly on 2 years since the bomb, and my life is still a bombed-out shell in spite of a lot of effort to rebuild it. I'm so discouraged and I just don't want to live like this the rest of my life.

One of my colleagues at work, aged 34, had a stroke over the weekend; minimal brain damage, really, altho she'll need speech therapy to learn to talk again. In searching for the cause of the stroke, they discovered she has leukemia. I'm honestly not that close emotionally to her, but I've gotten called to the hospital a couple of times to interpret the medicalese--once by the neurologist. She's a single mom, her husband left her last February. Not a lot of family support; mom lives with her but struggles so much with depression that she had to tell her it was time to step up, get out of bed, and feed the kids. When we were alone in the hospital room, she broke down and talked about how afraid she was, and how she didn't know how she was going to go through this alone.

And I can't help thinking that this could easily be me. I have pretty much accepted that I'll die alone (went thru dealing with this when 2 friends, a couple of years younger than me, had heart problems last fall; one died suddenly.) I don't mean it in a pathetic way, only that you come to grips with a worst-case-scenario and then you accept it and put it behind you. But if it was me in that room on the hematology floor--I'd be just as alone as my friend. And that's terrifying. These are the times when you realize just why you hate the isolation so much--it's frightening.

came home from the hospital last night with one of those "tomorrow's promised to no one" feelings, and was just a bit overly expressive of gratitude for my Texas friend's relationship. And got nada back. So today I apologized for loving. And I dropped another rope. So freaking tired of dropping ropes.

Will there be a day, ever, when I don't have to "take it back?" When I don't feel discarded and defective? I've done all the right stuff--and it just doesn't get any better.

Just journaling here. dont' expect a reply, rarely get replies. I just wish someone could tell me that my life will not always be this painful.