Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

robx,

"Why do you feel the need to gain back her trust and friendship?"

This is a big one because if I don't feel that I could trust her and be friends to a certain degree, I couldn't trust her with my kids. Period. I wouldn't trust her to put their interests first before hers. I know it's up to her, but I need that peace of mind to a certain degree.

"Don't pursue someone who rejects you, they will only continue to reject you."

The thing is I don't go out of my way to pursue her. Only in times when we are actually in contact with one another, I'll be a bit playful but that's it. I believe you're correct in that her rejection of me stems from her inability to deal with issues. But that's not my problem.

Unlike many of the cakeeaters I've seen on here, she pokes her head out of her shell every now and then and seems "normal". It's those times that she has done so that I show her that it's okay to open up when and if she's willing.

Maybe I'm not describing it correctly. But it really does feel different when dealing with her depressing moods. Believe me, if she was like BigJohn's W, I would've kicked her ass out of the house and gotten the papers signed that day I found out about the OM.

The rejection I sense from her doesn't seem like it's someone who knows what she wants. It seems to come from fear. And not a cake eater's fear. A fear that comes from f'king up.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Great to hear from you buddy. We definitely are men of honor and I hate that we find ourselves on this crazy ride.

I hope you and boys are okay. How're things in your sitch?

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not sure what strategy to suggest in this specific sitch b/c one size does not fit all, other than detaching. But she does seem paralyzed by shame and doesn't know how to get herself out of the mess SHE created.

How did stuff get handled in her past when she made mistakes? Was there forgiveness shown in her family life?

Sometimes I think if a WAS (or LBSer for that matter) has not actually witnessed forgiveness growing up, it's harder for them to believe they can get it and if they honestly cannot visualize moving past this, even if they want to, it pretty much stops any progress.

You have a tough task to not pursue, to detach and yet somehow allow for her to figure out that a future IS possible but only under certain conditions....and all this is said knowing it's not your job to teach her this stuff....My simplest advice is to repeat what I said earlier: Be a man only a fool would leave" and hope she's wise enough to figure out how to get you back.

Good luck, we're rooting for you.
J-

[MrBond]

I agree with you about her not having a role model for forgiveness.

In fact, I'll go one further and say that she has never had a good role model for conflict. Her family has always been of the idea that you figure out your own problems. She hasn't had any good close friends to serve as a confidant and when she feels someone has betrayed them, she cuts them off rather than dealing with the conflict.

For example, her dad left her mom when she was 6. I think when he left it was just an accepted thing. No one really went deep into how she felt. He had gotten sick with cancer when we were in college and she helped to care for him for his final few months. Since the day he died over 15 years ago, she refuses to visit his grave or make peace. Her sister and mom never went to visit him even when he was dying. I went to meet him with my W while he was sick and he was a man full of regret and wanted to make amends, but they weren't having it.

Another example is that when all this stuff happened, she confessed her feelings about her boss to her best friend who was also the maid of honor at our wedding. When I was trying to figure out what was going on, I talked to her friend and asked her for details. We found out that she withheld alot of information from her friend about who this "wonderful" guy was and she was disappointed with my W. After my W found out we talked, she cut her friend out of her life.

That's how she's been acting with me. Even though she is in the wrong, she'd rather cut people out than deal with conflict. When we get into a disagreement about the kids, she cuts out my opinion and believes she is right. That's when I treat her like the child she is acting like and set her straight. Afterwards she's fine.

In my sitch, there has been no chance to "validate" anything she says because she really doesn't talk much. Just says what she wants to do and that's that. And she keeps it all to just day to day stuff. All this happened the day she said she was leaving for her boss.

I also think she went after her boss because he was like a "father figure" to her. Where she found someone who would take care of her and could follow blindly without contributing anything to the R.

I'll give an update a little later.

[MrBond]

A little update.

Saturday came around and she went into work. I took my Ds to their soccer game and called my W during the half to give an update. She seemed pretty happy about that.

Afterwards, we went home and waited for my W to head over to the carnival. She came by around 2:30 and we left soon after. The carnival was great, just crowded. I was dad of the year there having fun with my Ds. A few times, my W got the stick out of her butt and laughed. We were able to talk and have a good time. I asked her a few times if she wanted to play or ride anything and she just said 'no'. Don't know how someone can choose to stay down, but oh well. We were all exhausted when we got back that night.

I gave her one of my shirts and a pair of shorts and said she could change into them as she didn't have a change of clothes. She snapped and said 'No'!. I pulled her to the side and told her that I offered as a nice gesture and that she could stand to act alot nicer when things are offered. She said 'okay'. And was fine after. While we were in bed with our Ds, it was sooo normal. We were talking to each other like nothing was wrong and had a nice sleep.

The next morning, we got up to take my oldest D to a baton show and spent some time at the park together. We had a later lunch and came home after. Again, great time and she seemed to have lightened up. She left around 4, and when she did, I got up, gave her a hug and thanked her for the weekend. She said 'you're welcome' and as I walked her out the door, she turned around and said 'goodbye'. She seemed really sad to leave, but oh well.

My girls and I had a great night that evening and all in all, it was a good weekend.

One improvement over the weekend, was that she started actually starting conversations. I acted interested and engaged her, which helped to move things along. It's times like those that I see her old self peeking out of the depression, but one day at a time.

[25yearsmlc]

any chance she'd go to Retrovaille? (No, I would not ask her at this point), but I'm wondering what you THINK she'd say or if it has ever come up...just wondering.

J-

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Right now I seriously doubt she'd go to Retrouvaille. I think she'd get alot out of it especially since her aunt is a nun.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to her sister's to pick up the kids, I saw that she was reading the book "Jesus Calling". It's a book of daily affirmations. I see that she's basically looking for guidance, maybe looking to God for the answers. Too bad she's not realizing that she needs to talk to someone about her decisions.

Seeing that book made me wonder what she actually prays about. I mean, I can't for the life of me pray to God for the strength to leave my marriage. Well in any event I do pray for her to find clarity.

The main reason I don't think she'd go to Retrouvaille is because she's not ready to open herself up to anyone. I mean, this weekend we had a good time. She just seemed tired. Always.

She had the chance to go help at a Health Fair this weekend and a President's Day walk. Both which would have been great for her, but she didn't want to. It's almost like she has no drive to do anything.

Was your H depressed like that?

[pigskin]

As I've posted before, don't even bother with Retrouvaille unless the OM is out of the picture. Otherwise you will be wasting your time, and it is too emotional an experience to have it go to waste.

Your W might be turning to books on faith hoping for forgiveness from God. In my case My W is hitting that stuff hard, thinking that she can bust up our marriage and be forgiven for it after the fact.

I want to tell her that there would be no such thing as sin if that were the case. Everyone would do whatever they wanted and just ask for forgiveness later.

[25yearsmlc]

Well, I don't know that I agree. I think retrovaille might get OM out of the pic for her.

And I definitely think her searching is a good sign and would not negatively read into it. Better yet, don't read either way and then you won't go nuts. Pigskin I cannot speak for your w but in Stuck's sitch his w is pretty Unwell and even she knows it. So I hesitate to project too much of our own situations onto others when they may not apply. I don't know, but I'm mentioning that.

Stuck, if your w's relative is a nun, maybe that's a great thing. We saw nuns when we went but only afterwards and my h is not Catholic nor did we feel the need to be Catholic to get anything out of it. Also you do NOT share with others at the retreat. It's not a workshop where you must disclose things or open yourself up to anyone other than your spouse BUT you do have to get rid of OP to atttend... AGREE that you should NOT bring it up as that is major pursuit, but wanted to explain my pov on it...

(( j )))

[MrBond]

pigskin,

I don't think she's seeing religion as a way of justifying her actions like your W did. That was just plain weird.

I think she is searching for some kind of guidance. But is either too ashamed or depressed to actually go to someone and talk about it.

Right now she has no immediate reason to do so because her family "supports" her regardless of what she's doing.