I, of course, was hoping for a magic wand. But C said EMDR is best for older traumas; mine was too new for this process.
Fine, talk therapy, some visualizations (put all those bad feelings in this box) (I hate visualizations), some EMDR on positive stuff: think of all the people I have who are supporting me; concentrate on focusing on work, etc.
OK.
Early on, when I found out X had moved just one town over, I was crying over how hard it would be to see them in town, for example at restaurant W.
C says: "tell X he can't go to W! Tell him he can't go there for a year!"
Ummm...me and what army are going to control his movements? Even that early on, I learned from all of YOU that I can't control what someone else does, only how I RESPOND to what they do.
Tuesday: I ask for help with my brain. Working on my thoughts, controlling them, re-directing them, cognitive behavior stuff, right? all this in relation to my upsetness about the house.
I say: how about we work on "I can accept her moving into my house?" C: OK! We'll work on that: I can let them have the house!
Umm...."let" is not the operative word here. ACCEPT is.
C: (seeing that I am upset, also VERY clock-watching) OK--how about we do the visualization of all the people who are on your side?
Me: We've done that! I know I have a great support system! That's not the problem right now! (increasingly cranky and childish)
Talking more about the house...
C: He OUGHT to feel ashamed! He OUGHT to let you have the house!
Ummm... and I OUGHT to win the lottery and be chosen the next American Top Model.
C: What if you wrote him: X, I am in so much pain. This house sitch is horribly distressing. I hope you can understand that I need time, blah blah, pain, sorrow, blah.
Ummm.... I know she's not a DB therapist, and maybe someone who hadn't read DB stuff would think: what a great idea! Throw myself on his mercy! But let's remember this is the guy who hasn't demonstrated any compassion since Bomb Day, right?
This C is also the one who supported my idea of asking friends for an intervention, which all of you and all my friends nay-sayed. Even though they are totally on my side and would go to bat for me, they all thought it would be useless if not counterproductive.
So--a C who says: I can tell X what to do and not do; uses OUGHT for someone else's behavior.
What say you all, wise ones? time to switch it up?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
