Puppy, Yes, she was having a PA. It started with a guy from her work that started flirting with her, then texting, to phone calls, then PA. Her H found out about her having feelings for another man right before the PA started. She said she needed to get her head straight, and her H supported her on this. Well that was the night it turned into PA. She never denied the A, in fact told her H that night. He begged her to stay, and she did for a couple of weeks, with her flaunting the A in his face. Of course he was heartbroken, and he say's it's the hardest thing he ever had to do. After a week or two my sister decided to move out to continue the A. This is where my brother-in-law started pursuing her, and in there case it worked. She finally decided that she loved her H more then this other man, and dropped him and went back to her H. This lasted all about 6-7 months. They are still struggling with trust issues, but are working on it and they both say they are happier then they were before.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Puppy, Yes, she was having a PA. It started with a guy from her work that started flirting with her, then texting, to phone calls, then PA. Her H found out about her having feelings for another man right before the PA started. She said she needed to get her head straight, and her H supported her on this. Well that was the night it turned into PA. She never denied the A, in fact told her H that night. He begged her to stay, and she did for a couple of weeks, with her flaunting the A in his face. Of course he was heartbroken, and he say's it's the hardest thing he ever had to do. After a week or two my sister decided to move out to continue the A. This is where my brother-in-law started pursuing her, and in there case it worked. She finally decided that she loved her H more then this other man, and dropped him and went back to her H. This lasted all about 6-7 months. They are still struggling with trust issues, but are working on it and they both say they are happier then they were before.
So maybe a strong stance -- that day -- may have averted the PA, MONTHS more of continued emotional and physical involvement, etc., etc., etc.?
And what kind of emotional toll did "flaunting it in his face" take on your brother-in-law? We may never even know, but as a man, it makes me shudder.
Look, you can DO whatever you want -- it's your sitch. I'm just saying that in studying THOUSANDS of affairs the past three years, I've never seen this tack work. Never. Even Hope4Us's notoriously-long, patient, "standing" for his marriage was accompanied by VERY strong confrontation and exposure on the front end (and re-exposure midway thru), including to his own children.
We just would like to caution you about using only one sample as a reference... and in this case the sample is about a woman having an affair - that's a very different animal...
Allen A, The funny thing about my brother-in-law is I was the one he leaned on during that time. And I was the one telling him to not call her or text and to go out and try to have fun. Here I am a year and half later and I'm NOT following my own advice.
I just had a long conversation with a close family relative and she laid it out to me just like you all have. I'm acting desperate and I'm available when he needs me. She finally said to me "Your afraid he will be mad at you if you tell everyone, including the OWH". And she is so right, that is my fear, I don't want him to be mad at me. She explained that going dark and standing up for myself will show him, that he cannot walk all over me. She asked me to please put all my energy into myself and my kids and stop worrying if I'm actions are going to hurt his feelings.
I know it's the right thing to do, why does it have to be so hard to implement. I feel like I'm going insane with these different emotions; be nice or detach!!!! I believe it's the loneliness that is taken over in me )-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If you can find a friend or family member that can tell OWH FOR you, the result is the same - an exposed affair.
if you are affraid, find someone ELSE to do it.
You COULD try a different route.. talk to the OWH as if you are trying to confirm there IS NO AFFAIR... he may tell YOU there is... and you are again off the hook.
If you are afraid, there are routes around that to get to the same point.
Allen A, Thank you, I have found someone that will tell him for me. However, I think I'm getting close to being able to do it myself. I have a couple other people that are helping to either get a phone# or address for him. I'm hoping by this weekend he will know.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Good job being persistent, mb! And thank you for being honest about your fears...I know all about not wanting to rock the boat with WH right now! (even though it may be the wrong thing to do...I just don't want to call his bluff!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
To be honest with you both of you doing it together will carry more weight.
If you show up at his house as an individual he may just think you are crazy, but if you have a friend with you, it gives you more credibility. And yes that friend may help you find the words...
