When do you request your spouse end an EA?

[newmama]

The thing is, I can't get involved with someone else or I will end my marriage which feels so wrong to do when things are literally better than they have been in 5 years!!

Dani, please explain HOW things are better now than ever over 5 years?
In your situation, though, I would be tempted to call your H's bluff about you dating other people! But maybe you could just do it with open understanding w/ the other that you are not looking to have an exclusive relationship...encourage the man to date others and you can, too. No hard feelings!

I sometimes feel like I am being unreasonable. Again, just really confused. I also don't understand how this can be so accepted by everyone - besides the friends he lost because they think what he is doing is awful and my son's preschool teachers thinking he is bringing his perceived affair partner to school with him. He was actually surprised to hear that his teachers thought he was a scumbag!!! (did not put it that way) Again "just friends" he said. Oy.

It doesn't sound like it's being accepted by everyone except maybe his family? Do you talk to them about it at all?

Also have you drawn up anything legal regarding your separation? And are you two going on dates or to counseling to "work on your marriage" even though I don't think you will be able to until she is out of the picture.

Check out mb28's thread around p. 23-24 for several articles about infidelity that Allen posted...the interview with Dr. Shirley Glass is the best I think.Your H sounds like he was drawn to "saving" OW...he may have "knight in shining armor" syndrome!

Oh...about being mysterious. First, you sound like you are doing great with GAL (getting a life) so far!
Here is a random list...hope some inspire you!

-leave early/change plans (you can give notice ahead of time) but be vague about where you are going

-start taking a new class and leave a handout around where he might see it

-order packages for yourself and leave them on the front porch so he will have to see it when he picks up/drops off S

-tell your S' preschool teachers about new things you are doing (or other people who can possibly share with your H)

-show up with a guy to pick up your S from preschool! Could be a friend

-have leftover containers or coasters from different coffe shops, bars or restaurants than where you've been with H

-you can mention to H that you heard a terrific band play at this bar you went to last week ( but be vague so he will want to ask you q's and you say you went with new friend(s) you met BUT ACTUALLY GO! Don't make it up.

-fix your hair different, wear different clothes than normal

-talk on the phone while he sees you, laughing before you say goodbye

Now the point of being mysterious is to a) show you aren't predictable...not the same old same old that he knew and b) raise his curiosity

Dani, this could take a loooong time if all you want is to stall divorce (that is my goal still and almost 11 months later, no divorce and it has been 4 months since he last brought it up). IF/WHEN you aren't afraid of divorce, then you can be direct and more pushy.


Have you read others' threads yet? You might find some beneficial info from them.