I am hoping for some guidance and support for what I should do with my H because his emotional affair is causing me a lot of pain and stress (duh.)
Quick overview: We have been married 5 years, have a 2.5 year old son, have been separated for 1.5 years, in couseling, both agreed we want to repair the marriage and start fresh again slowly so we don't repeat mistakes. I left because I became very ill after the birth of our son and the stress of where we lived and husbands anger at me was making me worse. I received a diagnosis about 2 months prior to cardiac arrest at best, death at worst (severe nutrional deficiency caused by small intestines shutting down - was wicked fun).
While I was sick H became "Best friends" with his 22 year old secretary and she became best friends with his sister through mutual friends and interests. Now this woman basically lives in the house I lived in, puts my son to bed the nights H has him and actually is my assitant too at work.
I know I have to ignore her (thanks to my DB coach who was awesome) but really this is so hard not to walk away I would NEVER tolerate this in a dating relationship. I would never "play house" with a married man! I used to be full of compasion and understanding for my husband because he felt so helpless and confused while I was so sick, but now he is on vacation with this woman and my son to visit his family (on which I am still on good terms). - - This is after verbalizing to me that he needs to put space in that relationship in order for us to work.
He does not want to hurt her and wants to look forwrad and not backward with us. It is hard for me to look forward when every time I run into one of these things my wounds of living on my own with an infant while trying to figure out what was killing me before I died and having to see their flirting and flauntin in front of me! I never lost it during that time either (had bigger issues!!)
I take great care of myself, have awesome friends and family, am a competitive martial artist etc. so I don't spend much time dwelling, but this week has been really realy hard not to think about giving up.
Hi, Dani, so sorry you are here:-( Has your H been with this woman during the whole separation?
what other suggestions did you receive from your DB coach that you are putting into practice?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thank you for writing, just reaching out makes things better.
She was a mutual friend of ours while married so yes, he has been with her -though I don't believe intimately which I know sounds completely naive - for the entire separation.
Great question - thank you. The DB coach instructed me to have fun with husband, don't talk about her, don't give her any power, he is a pesky insect in my life etc. I was prompted to call the DB coach after my son called me by her name while reading a story before bedtime! AGH!!! Kills me I still remain friendly with her - she even sent me a birthday present. It is all so confusing because she is a nice person??
The crazy thing is that things between my husband and I are great and keep getting better, but it is hard to get closer and closer while people come up to me and ask "Hey is your H living with OW?". - This will be after a fantastic night out with H laughing, talking, kisses even etc.
So confusing.
Again, thanks for writing. Sorry you are here too!
Okay Dani, well I am sure Allen or someone else with lots of knowledge and experience will be dropping by to help you, too, but be warned that 1) this section moves pretty slow-newcomers forum gets tons of traffic 2)you will hear conflicting advice.
So next q's I have: have you already exposed and to whom? Have you been crystal clear with your H that you do not want him to have a friendship with this woman anymore? And that you will not work on your marriage unless he ends it, but you don't know how long you will wait for him?
Have you been looking good, keeping busy, acting mysterious around your H?
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he has been with her -though I don't believe intimately which I know sounds completely naive - for the entire separation.
Odds are 99.9% that they have been intimate if she is living with him and tucking your son into bed each night!! sorry but I bet very good money on it--if you still had access to bills maybe you could find proof of purchases of hotel rooms or lingerie or toys, etc. to convince yourself. I had to do that! I just never believed my H would cross that line!but he did which is why he just became more "in love" and couldn't just end it with her...
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I was prompted to call the DB coach after my son called me by her name while reading a story before bedtime! AGH!!!
I do not know how you dealt with that!!!!!I would be sooooo angry and hurt!
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Kills me I still remain friendly with her - she even sent me a birthday present. It is all so confusing because she is a nice person??
No one said the OW was 100% cruel...but this woman needs to BACK THE %$%& OFF from your marriage! She is NOT ACTING like a nice person in the moment!
Now I wonder if your H doesn't consider it an affair since you 2 are separated?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
"this woman needs to BACK THE %$%& OFF from your marriage!"
Okay, need tips on how to be mysterious!
Let me try to address this stuff.
1. No, I have not told him to end it but he knows it bothers me a lot. I could but I haven't felt it to be the right time because of the ground we were on. When did have 1 conversation with him about it, he felt guilty, acknowledged it needs to stop for us to move forward but I have not forbid it to continue in part because he said he does not expect fidelity from me during this time and I can date other people and it would not bother him (DB coach says she highly doubts that). Then a week later talks about looking for houses together in about a year or so. (I will and cannot move back into the house we were living in (his family home, we were only supposed to be there 3 years - that was the deal for me to buy it - environment kills me, right on highway with trailer trucks going 55 mph hitting giant cracks 15 feet from your bed etc, we would just divorce I cannot handle it there. Would rather divorce than live there, sucks but my body just cannot handle it (I can get my but kicked during a sparring match and punched in the face but I can't live on a highway...I know I am not a wuss but my body is my body and can only change so much.)
2. Look great, active, etc. prob. getting boob job over the summer too - nice icing on the cake. Have plenty of other men dying for H to be out of the picture and given the circumstances meeting one for dinner tomorrow night. The thing is, I can't get involved with someone else or I will end my marriage which feels so wrong to do when things are literally better than they have been in 5 years!! I just cannot toy with someone else like that - most guys look at me like the girl to take home to Mom, not a party time girl so feelings are involved- though in terms of being totally perverted and sexual I have that I guess! Am I the only one is this trio that looks out for others feelings!?!?!?
3. If he porked her, I am getting that HPV vaccine shot. Will call the dr. in the morning. oy! lol maybe they use our old toys LOL cracking myself up - GROSS!!!! Thanks!
4. Yes, when my son called me by her name I shed a tear and held it in so son would not be upset. Karate makes everthing better is all I can say and DB coach really helped me that day - so lucky one was available.
5. Mysterious, I can do much better in that department, have any tips? How do you be mysterious? Wear sexy dress when he comes to get son and look like ready to go out - then go of course!?? Tips really appreciated!!
I sometimes feel like I am being unreasonable. Again, just really confused. I also don't understand how this can be so accepted by everyone - besides the friends he lost because they think what he is doing is awful and my son's preschool teachers thinking he is bringing his perceived affair partner to school with him. He was actually surprised to hear that his teachers thought he was a scumbag!!! (did not put it that way) Again "just friends" he said. Oy.
So confused! DB coach says don't talk about it at all and I have not save that one instance. I called our counselor and am making an appointment for just me. She has been great and we both respect her a lot. I don't think she was thrilled to hear H was "on vacation" with his secretary (also, she has acted really jealous with any attention H has given me.) We all don't work in the same office anymore so we are never together which is nice.
Last thing, I am so not like this person. She is weak and needy and still lives with her parents. She cries all the time and is always in crisis mode because of some medical or family issue, she is obsessed with shoes and purses. I just cannot be like that. If that is what he wants in a woman this will never work. I am strong but not an ass and have really really shown my apprecaition for all he has done. I respect H a lot actually, excelled father, courteous, respectful (now). She can also be happy, upbeat, flirty, has giant boobs and is a ballerina (which my H and I both respect as an artform but really don't get - we are both musicians - though not our primary job. I am a trumpet player and have a great big band I reconnected and play with. Again, I think I am a nice catch but can definitly play up mystery and enjoy every minute!
Need tips on Mystery for sure - Anyone...anyone!!!
A couple dozen long stem red roses with a card sticking out of it (do I dare lol!) on my dining room table would look LOVELY for when he comes back and brings my son home from vacation on Sunday!!! THANK YOU!! They would lift my spirits as well.
We are not facebook friends but the photos up have received many compliments if I can say so without sounding like a jerk Maybe he'll hear about it...
Thank you - Keep the tips coming. Thank you for helping.
This will be fun and more like when he was trying to win me when we were dating.
No problem! Maybe you can just so happen to "forget" to put away the new pictures showing you having fun! LOL!
If you wanted to push it, I would say that when he does come to drop your son off, don't be home. Instead, call him and tell him you were with a friend and running a little late. Let him put two and two together between your "friend" and the flowers.
Maybe leave out the newly washed laundry with a pair of your new "sexy" panties.
When you come back, you again show him how made up you are and you walk in as if you were on Cloud 9. Thank him for waiting, then shoo him out the door.
That'll get a reaction!
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
