Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[flowmom]

JG, I know how you feel about the time seeming to stretch out. It feels like a year since H moved out.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with S1's illness. It is SO exhausting and it's really hard to be in the right frame of mind when one is so tired. Remember that your H is a father. He can leave you but he can't leave his children. He needs to be sharing the parenting load right now and you need to ask very clearly and specifically for what you need as a co-parent. Being a co-parent doesn't just mean showing up for visits. It means being there in the crises too. If he is forgetting that, it's time to remind him. My H has been great about coparenting but when there has been a coparenting issue I've brought it up right away. Ask him for what you want without saying "it's OK if you don't". If he says no, then he says no, but don't let him off the hook ("it's OK if you can't).

Let the feelings out, but do it in safe ways away from your children and H. Try to steel yourself before you see your H so that you can hide your heartbreak -- that's so that you can maintain your dignity and protect your vulnerability. I find that listening to upbeat music and concentrating more on my children helps a lot. Anything that can be practically discussed by email, I use that. It allows me to pick my words more carefully and communicate more neutrally.

(((JG))) One day at a time. Just keep saying that to yourself.

[January girl]

Thank you for the wise words about co-parenting and letting my feelings out and being lovable.

He asked me to stop by his apartment at lunch to "see the place and to pick-up a small piece of furniture that he doesn't need." I decided to agree because to decline (I think) would be seen as cowardly. Anyway, on one hand I'm glad I did it because now that is over. One the other hand, it was VERY hard to see all of the (insert specific NFL team here) stuff all over his apartment that I'm sure cheap OW bought for him. ALSO, it was tough to see her bed in his bedroom. She is "loaning it" to him, yeah, right. At least it looked cheap and small compared to my (used to be our) beautiful & large bed. He also has her dresser and small kitchen table. UGGGGGGGHHH (Sorry, I had to go off for a second.)

Here's what is bugging me. He seemed so relaxed and almost manic in his "bachelor pad" but also anxious about what I thought about everything. I just want to vomit......weak I know. It really is like an alien has taken him over.

Thanks for all the support today...keep it coming if you can.
-JG

[lostnotgone]

Right there with you - H moved out a month and 1/2 ago to his mothers and just moved into his own place this weekend!! I have not seen the place yet. In a way I want to and a way I don't..
Seems like he has been gone SO LONG!

Keep focus on the kids - it helps! I also have told myself that OW is NOTHING! this is helping some - these OP have issues of their own if they are involved with Married people! I believe bigger issues then me.

Hang in there and keep reading... if you have not read the DBing books get them - I have 2 and just ordered another! Keeps me thinking positive. Ask for advise here... I have stopped asking for advise from friends and family - If they ask how things are I just tell them I am OK.

[flowmom]

JG, if your H is seeking validation from you, I would suggest trying to be "too busy" to give him that. "Oh, I'd like to see your apartment, but I have lots of plans this week. Maybe another time". He's trying to normalize this by getting your seal of approval -- avoid being in those situations if you can. On the plus side, his seeking your approval shows that he is less detached than my H is (who definitely would not want me to visit his apartment and who didn't give me his address until I asked for it).

Details about your H's life don't interest you right now. You'd love to help him, etc. but you're too busy. He doesn't have a chance to tell you about the bed that he is sleeping on because you interrupt with "I'd like to hear more about that later, but someone's expecting my call this minute so I'd better go".

Take care.

[Awoken]

I would suggest trying to be "too busy" to give him that. "Oh, I'd like to see your apartment, but I have lots of plans this week. Maybe another time".

There it is. It's not cowardly for you to be too busy.

"I'd like to hear more about that later, but someone's expecting my call this minute so I'd better go".

Even better.

JG, I hope you can step back and see how strong you are. You're dealing with all this, you're hanging in there. You in my thoughts in prayers. Keep your focus on you.

[January girl]

I have also told myself that OW is NOTHING! this is helping some - these OP have issues of their own if they are involved with Married people! I believe bigger issues than me.

THIS HELPED ME SO MUCH!!! I knew this but I needed reminding. I have read the DB books but it is so easy to slip when you are trying to live it....
Thank you so much for you input.

[January girl]

He's trying to normalize this by getting your seal of approval --avoid being in those situations if you can. .

Thank you for these and the other wise words...I will put your advise
into action starting today. I have been polite but distant now when
I am with him.

[January girl]

I hope you can step back and see how strong you are. You're dealing with all this, you're hanging in there. You in my thoughts in prayers. Keep your focus on you.

Thank you for the kind words....in answer to your question
I have not stepped back to see myself as strong because I
am crying on the inside and barely coping each day. BUT
I'm thinking what's important here is how I project that
I am doing...to my kids, and H.

I have started rearranging the house the way I like it. I put up some pictures last night that I like. D9 is going to a friend's house on Friday and she and S1 are going to be with H on Saturday into Sunday. I'm thinking about making some plans
for the weekend which is a GAL moment for me. Over the years I have put myself SO far down on "the list" that it is embarrassing when I think back on it. I will tell you this NEVER AGAIN!!!

[January girl]

Ok, so here is the lastest BS....

Last night H told me while standing in my kitchen that "a friend's mom" (I knew he meant OW's mom) works in surgery scheduling at the hospital where I scheduled S1's ear surgery for March and "she was going to look into getting us the best pediatric anestesiologist (excuse spelling) for the surgery. D9 was sitting at the table working on homework nearby so I simply nodded and said "yes I knew she worked there" which I did because of the snopping I have done in the past. He looked shocked.

ANYWAY the point of my post is this....I am really pissed off that 1.) He is discussing upcoming surgery with OW and then enlisting her mom's help in the ins and outs of it 2.) He thinks it's ok to bring this up near our D9 who listens to every word we say. SHOULD I BRING THIS UP BETWEEN HE & I OR JUST CHALK IT UP TO HIS CRAZY BEHAVIOR??? I know he isn't going to change discussing our business with his mistress anytime soon so why even comment on it????

[flowmom]

JG, the surgery issue: I would just drop it. Yes, that's super icky, BUT remember that he is spending his time with OW talking about the children that join you and him together and he is making those children his priority. It could be worse! And although he indirectly brought up OW in front of your D, it was very indirect.

BUT
I'm thinking what's important here is how I project that
I am doing...to my kids, and H.

Yeah, fake it until you make it and keep making babysteps towards GAL.

I'm thinking about making some plans
for the weekend which is a GAL moment for me. Over the years I have put myself SO far down on "the list" that it is embarrassing when I think back on it. I will tell you this NEVER AGAIN!!!

I'm with ya (((JG))). Your homework is to post here what your plans area. How about hike on Saturday afternoon, followed by dinner and a movie with a friend, then a yoga class on Sunday morning?