You just have to ask yourself is your WILL strong enough to heal these wounds and repair damage or is it merely a puff of cosmetic powder and a dose of much needed anaesthetic This is the stuff great art is made of.... being able to create out of pain and to throw light on a festering sore and let the light kill the cooties Or is this a lingering problem that only seems as if it is being solved In astrology light is WILL light is the DESIRE TO LIVE AND BRING LIFE so... it's your WILL that's involved and nobody can know how strong that is but you
Yesterday it was a quiet-pleasing day together after a long long time. Especially for me. Because I managed to stop all sorts of thoughts from ruining my mood and didnt talk R but most importantly didnt WANT to talk about our R which was what made the difference. Usually we dont talk about our M but I am constantly thinking of what I would want to tell him...
I came home and found him there. He fixed the sink although he cant do handyman jobs around the house and I made sure I expressed many times how pleased I was my cabinet wasnt "moist" anymore, he had done the stduying with the kids, took and picked up my son from his English lessons, fed them, etc etc.
I cooked an apple cake with my D and niece (which turned out great!), his father came for a visit and he asked me to give his dad some of it to take it home with him, he gave my son a bath and we all spent a few minutes in my D's bed before they fell asleep. My kids were so excited and happy.
I gave him a lil kiss on the lips and he was warm and accepting but probably a bit shocked. Late at night after I went to bed I came back up in the living room to ask him something about a voice recording machine I want and I saw him panicking that I would be coming for a "a talk". I asked him what I wanted, went back to bed with a smile and snuggled with him this morning.
It wasnt very difficult to keep ME positive thru the day. You have to understand that the last memories of almost 8-9 months of us being in the house are of walking on eggshels and before that only of sicknesses and deaths. We need a new routine.
I could tell he felt good about himself last night. Like he was there, did what a father does, and was accepted like a father is.
And I felt good because I wasnt the source of his stress yesterday.
flo, I do enjoy AOS. I always did little and big things for him. Sometimes, too many to the point he considered my taking on his responsibilities as acts of love and when I didnt, indifference.
I am careful not to do that, not to manipulate or control him but offer little gestures that can only be explained as acts of love.
I need to stay positive and control my resentment. I want to be a loving and understanding person. My kids respond so well to me when I keep that in mind. My mom does too. My two indicators of "good behaviour"... H needs time to accpet this is who I am. I am not who he is AFRAID I am... K
PS BTW, he never mentioned anything about the password, I didnt either. And no, I didnt find enything except he has kept 3 emails of hers regarding work from last June. She had forwarded some links about football and has kept those links. Didnt bother me at all.
There are times when life simply gets out of control. It is in those moments when we realize we are not ultimately in charge of our destiny, that someone knows best and that the smart thing to do is to let go and pray like heck. Sometimes things must get worse before they can get better. Something has come to a head. Jupiter in your sign says that something must be removed to make room for the result you want. Create the inner space for a prayer to be answered and the chances are high that it will. A New Moon in Aquarius in your house of the unseen suggests there is someone waiting for your call. Once they receive it, they will happily deliver the goods.
You do have an active role now in getting what you need and want. Work with the gods and they will show you where you can get more.
I need to stay positive and control my resentment. I want to be a loving and understanding person. My kids respond so well to me when I keep that in mind. My mom does too. My two indicators of "good behaviour"... H needs time to accpet this is who I am. I am not who he is AFRAID I am... K
Maria, print this off and stick it where you will read it every day! Controlling one's resentment can be so hard to do but doing so can reap great rewards.
I can see many good things in your situation and it just seems a question of getting the scales to balance down so that the good things weigh more than the bad and so then you can start to be on an upwards spiral. That in turn will help your H get his mojo back gradually.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I've struggled with resentment as well. I had a lot of role modeling of that from my mother, and honestly I think I learned it as a habit from her. In recent years I've actually realized that many wives/mothers don't regularly feel resentful. It sounds stupid, but I guess I just didn't see the alternatives very clearly.
Take care and I hope that these more peaceful relaxed times become more frequent. From reading it sounds like you have the capacity to set a positive tone with your H, and that that works.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So glad you surprised him with a kiss and no R talk! It'll be interesting to see if that helps him to relax and be more "there" for you and the family.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I totally get being who you are and not who H is afraid you will be. I have the same issue now. I tend to get frustrated that H doesn't see "the real me" but we cannot control other's perceptions. We have to stop the eggshell walking, trying to "show" H that we aren't who they fear we are. Those are THEIR fears.
I think with time and persistence, they will begin to trust who we truly are. They can't see it now because they are in fear mode. They are also having a hard time looking at themselves and thus projeting onto us. Just take a step back and remember he is just going to fear what he's going to fear right now and all you can do is keep validating yourself. Remeber PM's self validation and self soothing. Being positive is wonderful. It feeds you. You are not letting him affect you then. You are detaching and enjoying your life and not walking on eggshells. It's a tricky tightrope to walk, but we can do it! Great job!
Wow, I am so pleased to see things turning in a positive direction.. or maybe its you thats 'turned' this time!?
Great that you just kissed him and let the moment be, better still that you didnt feel consumed with thoughts of your R/S or things you wanted to ask him. I am sure those moments will get more often and further apart... I am SO happy he is starting to move a little now...giving you the password, coming home early (!WOW!)and being more present in the home (so a H isnt just for Christmas, huh!? ). Did you ever have the convo about him staying permanently, or ..he just is?
Hugs to you and ...well done. Where you find yourself with your once stbxh is an extrodinary thing.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
). Did you ever have the convo about him staying permanently, or ..he just is?