THat's often how it works - we watch less, they pick up the rope and start watching more. She has been in flux for so long now I would just try to have the attitude "her loss." If you're such a great guy she should be holding on to you and never letting go. It's crazy. She shouldn't play with your emotions like that and you shouldn't let her.
Listen to what Coach says. That will really drive her crazy.
I'm a little confused today. W started to pursue askinging me to get together for a TV "date" a few weeks back. We did last weekend, but it was weird. She said Mondays that she wanted to do it again. I have been...well, less than receptive this week. Very resentful. I don't want to come off as an a** though after she dispute in some effort. Should I invite her to come watch TV with me tonight, or let it go?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I would not initiate. If she calls and asks to watch TV, your call. She needs to work on winning you back.
Based on her telling you she wants it to work, but just doesn't feel the way she should, I don't think she's ready to work on winning you back. Let her sweat a bit.
I'm with GIMA - let her continue to pursue. Let her ask twice. That way you are not being 100% unapproachable, you are just making her try a little harder. Remember, it's counter-intuitive but that kind of thing really does get to a person. It's nice she's being available to you, but remember DR/DB says you shouldn't be immediately available once they start making contact again.
from one of my few journaling epiphanies back in October:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
I visited Dia's thread and rambled for a while since she had mentioned her and her H's resentments. I thought of my resentments this week, thought about the (fortunately) few resentments I had begun nursing and harboring against my wife pre-bomb.
And it struck me: the issues were few, real and they hurt. However, my resentment toward her was really misdirecting and avoiding resenting myself. I was in reality resenting me for not speaking out on the issues, not addressing them, avoiding the conflict that doing so would have caused and for not leading in this aspect of my R & M with my wife.
Could it be that whenever we resent anyone, we are really resenting ourselves, our own failure to address that which produced the resentment: our own inaction?
fwiw
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks guys. I think that she's pursuing. I know that I am having a really hard time with resentment. I'm not sure what to do about it.
W has made points to call me and text me more lately. Last night she sent me texts during the Superbowl, then...get this...sent me a message later that night that she was laying in bed fantasizing about a particular sexual time we had together. She called me and texted me today, and out of the blue called tonight and asked if I wanted company. I said fine and she came here and hung out for over an hour.
I was friendly, but not overly receptive. I didn't really want her to be here to be honest. I can't stop thinking about the things that she has said and done. That's where the resentment is coming from. This has gone on for so long. She has been so brazenly hurtful, disrespectful to me as a man. Insulting. She continues to remain friends with people that are just bad news for our marriage.
I can't even sleep because I am replaying things that were said and done over and over in my head. I don't even know this person anymore. We're still playing stupid games. Not talking about what's going on, or where this is headed. I really want to just be done with it all. In the long run though, it may be better to work through it.
She is clearly trying, I just don't know that I want to anymore.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I'm so glad you kept your distance from her! I disagree that she is trying. She left you! And she wants to come back and cake eat and be on the fence just like she was before. Sorry to be blunt here, but I am so proud of you for sticking to your boundaries. That's gotta be hard. I think if a WAS wants sex, texts, dates, etc, they should clearly commit!!! My H and I are working on our M, but holding off on all that other stuff until or if we fully commit to reconsiliation. As long as he is on the fence, it would just wound me to let him come and go as he pleased just because I'm hurting.
You ARE being a man! You are keeping your dignity now that she has walked away. Keep it up. She needs to get the ramifications of her walk away actions.
You're my idol this week. I need more boundaries like this. Although we have no romance, I do let him treat me however he wants out of hope he'll return. BAd me. Good you.
I heard resentment described as feeling anger/frustration with someone for hurting you and you let it continue without addressing it. We get mad at our own inaction.
If something is bothering you then it is your responsibility to bring it up. This is the flip side of transparency.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
