Emotionally I'm feeling better than the other day. The IC definitely is helping me to figure out what self care looks like for me right now: not telling myself negative stories all day long, not having negative conversations with myself.
I've been having brutal problems with procrastination on doing billable work lately. It's partly because the nature of my billable work right now is not very engaging (resurrecting a "dead" project, doing revisions, etc.). But even more important, my sister helped me to see that my mind is afraid of "losing" my H/M if I stop thinking about it to concentrate on work. She suggested that I start my work with telling myself that I can hold the people who I care about in my heart while I am doing my work.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for posting your "inventory of sins." It totally ripped me open--yup, that's me, that's me, that's me.
And the grief of "if only I had a chance to try."
Well, it is good knowledge for the next R, right?
(((avermont))) remember that Maya Angelou says "When you know better, you do better."
Actually, I think it's good knowledge for a single gal too. Underlying each one of those sins is a belief that I have, a belief which has not served me. A lot of those beliefs are arrogant and controlling in nature. I can start to challenge those beliefs now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I enjoyed your H'a Facebook quote and I also found it irritating. The whole culture of divorce as adventure and the notion that looking back to see what could be done differently or that having second thoughts is "toxic guilt" bugs me. I think most counselors adopt the quick-fix, it's all about you perspective as well. Mine has done so at times towards me, and my H has related that his has to him as well. And this is all within the first month of going to IC.
The rush to reframing divorce as growth adventure seems to me to be suspiciously fast in most psychologists' office and self-help books. There's no way to see what can be salvaged if one doesn't stay open to that possibility for awhile. To my mind, marriages that have lasted over a decade deserve a year of serious consideration. Also, my H definitely suffers from anxiety and depression at this time, by his own admission. If I reframed singlehood as the only true "risk" and "adventure" and ran for the hills while someone was obviously not doing or feeling well, I would then have to deal with a stricken conscience later. Which is what I discussed with my IC. It doesn't make me a controller or an enabler either. I'm standing far aside as suggested and occasionally peeking out to see the [censored] hit the fan. I have no illusion I can "help" or alter the situation as it runs its course. Believe me. Maybe I did briefly in the beginning months. And I'm routinely asked for support by H. There's just nothing I can provide given the situation.
I concur- all this life is too short to put in effort and ride out difficult times...blah blah blah.
Let's face it- it's big business- its easy for an IC to say toxic guilt- then you're the one w/ the problem coping so you need more therapy to get there. The L get paid, the State gets paid- it's disgusting.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
V-day. I had some great ideas but 1. H will be working all day, 2. and I have to see him in the evening during the kids' bedtime and 3. I don't have any childcare options that day. I don't want to be feeling sorry for myself that day, but not sure what to organize to keep myself busy and happy. Even doing stuff with the kids will be tricky due to major transportation issues in this city during an event.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
