1) Should I help her connect with the kids? My daughter especially misses her.
I would say that you should help your D8 connect with her mom. Your focus should be on D8 not on her mother. You need to be the best DAD you can be. You have to worry about your kids and you. Not W.
OP,
Did you mean "Should Not" ???
I am hoping you did...
Those kind of relationships need to be forged by the person seeking them.
I wouldn't try to keep it from happening, but I certainly would NOT try to push it on them. That is her deal in life.
Can you see how pushing that would be considered controlling and manipulative ?
I would put concern into YOUR relationship with your daughter, the only thing YOU have control over.....
It doesn't matter what SHE is. You still do the same thing. At some point you will come to realize what she is, maybe. Grace has been here 3 years and she still doesn't know.
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I miss her.
I know that is the hard part. That is why you have to detach and love from a distance.
Her depression is what is called masked depression. She hides it well even from you. I thought my wife had the same thing but obviously her employer didn't see it the same way. So now she is out of work.
Just follow this advice keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut.
Hang in there.
Mach I see your point. My point is to worry about his kids not his W.
I so want to call his wife and tell her but I think that may be the wrong move
It IS the WRONG move.
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My point is to worry about his kids not his W.
Pilot, There is a process to this.
Forcing, suggesting, making, helping the MLCers do anything?
Eric, Look protect your kids, let them know that you love them, that you are there for them, if they have questions about mom, let them know she loves them but that she is having some difficult times right now.
You can tell her that D8 feels a little left out, but that is about it. But YOU do not help her connect until she starts moving in that direction. And wishing it was happening is not the same thing as it really happening.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Interesting weekend...I found out that the EA maybe a PA. I was totally a wreck this weekend but I knew it was probably going to come to this. The only proof I have is a text message between her and a girl friend that said I am meeting HIM for lunch. The girlfriend respond...OOOOHHHHH - tell me all about it. So i think the EA is know a PA. The funny thing is that this morning she put her weeding ring back on. I did not comment at all. She also said that, whenever this thing happens (I assume she means the divorce)...that she is keep me on her life insurance as the beneficiary. Has she lost her mind...talk about mixed signals. I do know that I cannot look at the ring as a positive and need to continue to detach. I also noticed that she did not say "divorce" but I have a hard time trying to figure her out. She does appear to be opening up a little (and I mean a little), in the form of commenting on a movie I was watching, etc. Just a little more talkative. Any ideas on how I may be able to get her to open up a little more? Also, I continue to flirt to no avail but I'm trying to keep the mood light in the house. If she is depressed does this mean that she may be comming out of this?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Jack she seems to be reconnecting with the kids now, which is a good thing. The only one that she is not connecting with is me. I kind of feel like I am being stomped on. She contacts the OM on the cell phone like nothing. I am trying to GAL and detach but I find myself asking...then why am I still married and why have I not filed. I guess I still hold out hope that she will "come around" and I know that this is the "worst" part of the "for better or for worst" statement but this is really hard. Does anyone have any words of encouragement?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
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why am I still married and why have I not filed
I assume that you want to stay married if you do not then by all means file!
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I guess I still hold out hope that she will "come around"
You need to lower your expectations to zero. "Hope" is not going to work here. You need to love from a distance.
This is why you need to GAL,look in the mirror to improve yourself. To keep yourself busy while your W is on her journey.
Hi Ericmsant, I don't know if you like lyrics or not, but i just felt the need to put these here. The song is sung by Rod Stewart and Helicopter girl.
Your quote:
"I guess I still hold out hope that she will "come around"
How do you know when it's over How do you know where did it all go wrong
Can I embrace the perfect stranger How do you know and where did it all go wrong Cause lately could you tell I lost the only one Could you tell
Stoke the funeral So now it's just me, myself and I
Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just to see me cryin' (see me cryin') Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just because you can (because you can, yeah, yeah) Cause you can
How do you find tinsel Motown How do you find it if it's the only one
Dear, love is strange the right emotion How do you find if it's the only one Cause lately (lately) could you tell (could you tell) I lost the only one Could you tell (could you tell, could you tell)
Stoke the funeral So now it's just me, myself and I
Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just to see me cryin' (see me cryin') Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just because you can (because you can, yeah, yeah)
Give me Motown (tinsel Motown, lady) Tinsel Motown (one emotion maybe) One emotion (with a perfect stranger) Tinsel Motown (me, myself and I)
Don't come around here Just to see me cryin' Don't come around here Just because you can
Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just to see me cryin' (see me cryin') Please don't come around here (don't come around here) Just because you can (because you can, yeah, yeah) Cause you can
Don't come around here (don't come around here) Just to see me cryin' (see me cryin') Please don't watch me cryin' Please don't watch me cryin', yeah Cause you can
Don't come around here Please don't come around here Just to see me cryin'…
Jack she seems to be reconnecting with the kids now, which is a good thing. The only one that she is not connecting with is me.
Typical MLCer reconnect with YOU last.
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I kind of feel like I am being stomped on.
Feel different. We 'feel' because of what we precieve. Change your perspective. You a mouse in a cage? Or a man in charge of his own destiny?
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She contacts the OM on the cell phone like nothing. I am trying to GAL and detach but I find myself asking...then why am I still married and why have I not filed.
This is you choice, come a day when you realize your marriage is YOUR choice and not all hers. This is your choice, and good for you. Stand and suck up the damage, smile and expect more.
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I guess I still hold out hope that she will "come around" and I know that this is the "worst" part of the "for better or for worst" statement but this is really hard. Does anyone have any words of encouragement?
: ) You have what it takes brother man. Most people don't get that part. You made a vow stick to it, honor it, as long as you can. Of course it sucks.
As for lyrics...
Always, known in, all my time, A little left of center now Reflect as I realize, That all I need is to find the middle pillar path to sit like the sun by a star in the sky and just be. Sinners, casting stones at me
I... I stand, not crawling, not falling down I... I bleed the demons that drag me down I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye) I... I'll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)
Goodbye, sunshine, I've put it out again, sad I'm over, personalities, conflicting, I don't need you, or anyone, but me, I'll just be, living my own life I feel my glowing center grow, infecting I feel alive Shovel dirt over lime, plant it in myself to sit like a seed under covers of earth and just be Sinners, pointing fingers at me
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (by myself), not falling down I... I bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that drag me down I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye) I... I'll bleed, (for no one), the demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)
Find something that fuels you Eric. Like a hard pounding song that makes your foot hit the gas in the car on a long road, find something that inspires you not to quit.
Get rid of the sappy crappy love songs on your radio stations...
Time to soak damage.
Time to cowboy up.
Time to roll.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/10/1005:17 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack - as usual thanks man! The biggest struggle that i have right now is trying to not come accross as if it is "over" and that I have moved on. Since a do acknowledge a fair amount of the issues in our M I find myself walking a little on egg shells. Always thinking...."what is she going to think"...the reality is that I need to just say F* it and do what I know to be just, right and good for Me and my KIDS. Everything else should be secondary, since I have no idea when and if she will ever come out of this. When I consider this perspective/approach, I struggle with thinking if I should stick with this or just file for LS in an effort to protect myself and my kids. But then again...I am doing this for my kids so I need to stick this out. By the way Jack - not sure if you are a Creed fan but check out the song "Time" on thier new album - my favorite.
OP - read thru your scripts - will continue to try and detach but man this is not for the soft at heart. I mean I'm living with someone who shows no emotion or provides any intamacy.
Keep the inspiration coming everyone - trust me I need it.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
