Getting Tired of Trying- any advice?

[Rhody5]

It's amazing to see how many people are going through the same thing! Here's my story. In the beginning I really wanted it to work out.. Now I’m just really tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

WAH and I had lived together for about 9 years - 4+ years of which=married. Late this past summer he just didn't seem like himself. He didn’t want to go to events we had planned months ago, instead telling me to take a friend. He was frustrated that having a baby didn’t happen right away (he has a teenage son from his first marriage) and that his friends didn’t have time to talk like before because of their young kids. This is when I started seeing/hearing the first signs of what was bothering him. I didn’t dress sexy enough around the house, that he wanted me to stop taking the fertility prescriptions, that I didn’t trust his judgment, that I criticized something that he had been working on, that I fell asleep on the sofa sometimes at night and came to bed late, that he wanted to get rid of our dogs. It wasn’t as though we sat down and discussed these things.. In a tense moment, he would blurt out one, and me, not having read DB, I said everything you shouldn’t, reacted the exact way you shouldn’t, and we grew further apart. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from.. couldn’t understand where my usual fun, loving, smiling husband was. He started sleeping in the other bedroom and withdrawing further. I tried to reach out but not realizing that he needed his mancave retreat time, pushed him further away by trying to continually reach out.

September-October
He drops me off at the airport for a work trip and I’m getting love you texts, etc. It’s like a sense of calm has restored. Then while I am away that week the emails get colder.. when he picks me up at the airport he is really quiet and withdrawn. I ask what’s wrong and he says he’s not sure if he loves me, thought he’d feel different once he picked me up but he doesn’t. Then bam..I get a text that he’s at his sisters- thinking for dinner, hanging out? Come home from work and he had packed some of his things and left. Once again, I did the exact opposite of what I should have.. the pathetic crying mess, sending needy text/voice messages, etc.

Interestingly, when he left, I checked one laptop he had left around. Found a couple of messages from his therapist about scheduling dates and then.. found a pretty graphic one between the two of them. Basically he writes he has to shower alone and her response is pretty much everything she would do to him while in the shower. I think my jaw hit the floor in utter shock. But in a weird way it was kind of a good thing. I could finally get my mind around what was happening.. he was cheating on me. Not that it made it easy but for the first time I didn’t feel it was my fault.. I cried to friends, sat on the email for a while and then that evening forwarded on to her with a cc to him=just a hi, I’m x’s wife. Thanks for this email. It’s clarified a lot. Got an immediate emotional response from him and then another that am.. how I ruined his life, how I embarrassed him, how she never wants to see him again, etc.. I found the DB book and started to pull myself together. Moved all of his stuff out of the bedroom into an upstairs bedroom, took down all the pics in the house of us. Started running a lot more. He would stop by occasionally and said I looked good, said he was attracted to me, try to be intimate, etc. Said he saw that I was having a good time with friends, he started coming out of his cave.. We have separate bank accounts but I began seeing notes from his bank that he overdrafted….I questioned him on it and then I soon saw a “change of address” notification in the mail. Not with everything but on most of his mail. That’s how I found out he got an apartment. He wasn’t/isn’t paying anything towards the mortgage or any bills here (his justification is “but I’m not living there”) but he can afford an apt.? Towards the end of the month I’m out with friends in town for some big event here and we run into him. First time we’ve seen each other /spoken with one another in a while.I start getting texts after that. You guys coming back this way? Then more flirty later that night. Interesting..

November-December:
He’s been homesick so he flies out to visit his family and pays for his sister to come. Again, I am struggling to make ends meet with all the bills on my shoulder and he has all this extra money to spend? Week two I start getting emails, pics, texts.. How are you? What are you up to? Send him a pic of the house and he says it made his day. Then he asks for a pic of me.. in his favorite pair of my underwear, etc.. Emotional rollercoaster continues. Wished I had remained strong but at this time I find out my dad is dying – stage 4 cancer. I decide to shift all my focus to my family situation and then deal with WAH situation later. He agrees to watch the dogs while I head home. In ICU texting about how it’s hard to see my dad like this and WAH sends back, that will be him someday, all about him, etc.. I am tired of the self-centeredness and need family time now so leave the phone alone. I spent the rest of the day with my family choosing caskets, etc. I get a text from him that afternoon about how he can't take it there about how the dog chewed a book. I pretty much lost it that night.. walked outside, called him, and finally pretty much exploded into him. You are calling me about a book that the dog chewed when I am watching my dad die? I am done.. don’t want anything to do with you anymore, as soon as I get back I’m getting the ball rolling on divorce, etc. That next evening I start getting the I’m sorry texts, phone calls, etc. I ignore them all. He’s home when my cab pulls up. Tell him I was serious, I am done, to get out, leave me alone, etc. Amazing what exhaustion and three days of no sleep can do… He had never seen me that spent before so I think he was scared. He came back later that day and it was the same story. Leave me alone..Then I get a text “I don’t want a divorce.. I still have feelings for you”

Sporadic contact and then the day before Thanksgiving he comes crying.. He wants to come home, wants to have thanksgiving dinner just the two of us, etc. The next am I am up for a 5K and halfway through I notice he is out there on the course cheering for me. On the way home, I get stuff for dinner, go all out and we have a great evening. The next day he moves all his stuff back in. I can soon feel him growing distant again but know enough to give him some space. I continue on with holiday stuff, groceries, decorations, tree, etc. He doesn’t want any part of it. He picks up his son, it’s like Christmas again. The next day I can still sense the pulling away so I ask and he says he is just tired, depressed with the winter weather type stuff. That Monday I come home from work and he is gone. Took his son and all his stuff- and they even took the car this time. So I am stranded and my heart torn out again.

January-now
Occaisonal emails and at one point actually get “I’m very sorry for any pain my departure is causing you. And I appreciate your concern as to my welfare” then about how he can’t live with the dogs in the house, how he wants a house that is a joy to live in not stressful.” What would have happened if we had had kids I’m wondering.. He changes his profile pic on Facebook to a really depressing dark one, won’t accept my friend request, etc. My phone is now blocked and I can’t call him. A few days later I have errands to run and ask about the car. Send a note asking about it and get back “ “I understand your need for transportation but I think there are issues we need to address first, etc.” I take a day off from work to start the lawyer finding process and am home when he stops by. He’s emotional and agrees to counseling. He picks me up for the session and it goes well. ’m pretty quiet as it feels good to hear him finally letting stuff out and communicating. She offers that we give up the dogs and just as we are getting to the issue of his counselor EA issue, time runs out. And the dam opens and tears just start flowing from me.. she mentions it’s a “lot of levels of loss at once” Losing my husband, my dad, and now my dogs.. I’m just feeling beat down so I don’t say a word the entire way home, just a flood of tears streaming down. I manage a meek “thank you” as I get out of the car. Later that night get an email from him “I’m sorry you were upset tonight.” I don’t respond. 2 hours later I get “So what do you want to do.” Again, I don’t respond. Just exhausted.. What do I want is a good question at this point.

The next am the dentist calls, he missed his appt. Then I head out to walk to the metro and he's in his car driving by waiting for me. Rolls down the window “what do you want to do.” I ask him the same. He notes the ball is in my court and I just walk away. need time to think about everything. The next day out late having dinner with friends so haven’t been checking my phone. At 9:30 “How did your day go?” Then at 12 am “I guess by your silent treatment it means you don’t want to talk anymore” I soon respond that I’ve been out with friends and ask how he is. He says he can’t sleep. He’s been up thinking about “life. work. you”

The next day I am out walking the dogs when I turn the corner and see him pulling into the driveway. huh? He asks if I want to go out for a drink. Good conversation, good times, he’s relaxed and like himself. Hang out watching TV, he asks if he can sleep here because he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. The next am drives me to the metro and it’s completely like before. Joking, smiling, laughing. Then crash and burn. As I am getting home I see the email “how come you didn’t tell me yesterday or today you had been personally to the rental office” Huh? I had been there when I went to pick up the car that time but that was it. Meanwhile I realize he has my keys and I can’t call him (blocked) so call a friend to call him and ask if he can bring my keys.. shivering freezing outside. He does and tells me I “defrauded him” by not telling him I had been there. Says he needs to sit on this for a few hours and he’ll call me. Is he hiding something from me? Was he afraid I would find something/someone? Never calls. Surprisingly not angry when he heads out.. just too tired of it all.

Again, sporadic emails including his “I'm not ignoring you. I think like you said, I let it go for too long and I’m very hurt by things that happened. I’m sad about it. I really don’t want to talk it.” I’m holding strong for days until my dogs gets out and I need the car to get him. Friend calls him but no response. I get an email later that day “I’m sorry. I thought it was about your dad. I hope you find it soon.” I’m pretty pissed and later that night respond “Thank you. I am hurt you thought my dad had passed and couldn't even call. I can't do this anymore. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, someone who is there for me when I most need them. I can't continue this non-communication we have going. I want a more loving relationship and I want to be happy again. Don't worry. You don't have to do anything, I'm filing the papers this week. I wish you the best.”

The whole process will be easier if we are communicating b/c I don’t have a ton of money to spend on lawyers so a couple of days later I send “any chance we can talk.” He responds “about what” seriously? So now I have to make a decision on next steps. So tired of trying and spending so many months going in circles. I can file for divorce but afraid that would be the last straw and there wouldn't be any hopes for reconciliation then, Or.. I could at least file papers where he would have to pay something towards the mortgage at least, Maybe that might be a way to shake things a little. Just confused and tired and ready for a better 2010.

[Number 8]

Wow--you've really been through the wringer. I'm so sorry for your situation. You've been through an incredibly difficult time, and your ability to stay sane through it all is a testament to your strength.

I'm new to this site, but I'm not new to the kind of behavior you have described with your H. I've been a teacher for a decade, and I exclusively work with emotional/behavior students and special education. In my experience (and take it for what it's worth), he is cycling through high and low states. I know that it's hard to communicate and cooperate with someone who has emotions that run such a wide range in such a short period of time. An emotional roller coaster is an understatement.

Right now, I believe that my H is experiencing (and has been for some time) some depression (only lows, no highs). I made the mistake of trying to discuss this with him early in our separation. Let's just say that it was not well received at that point. I tell you this because your H may not be ready to hear this or think it about himself IF you believe this is a possibility.

You seem to believe, like I do, that if your H is emotionally/psychologically healthy, then things can and will improve. Do you think this could be so?

Also, I have wondered if my H was waiting for me to take the next step, even though he's the one who left our home. I have made up my mind that I will not be the one who does anything. I know you're exhausted, but think very carefully before you file any paperwork. Have you read the Divorce Remedy book yet? If not, it is a great read with lots of guidance and helpful advice.

I'm very sorry that you've had a difficult time. I lost a parent almost 4 years ago. The pain I felt then rivals the pain of being separated from my H, but I don't know which has been worse. [My situation is explained as "New to separation and needing support" if you want to see it.] Keep taking care of yourself, and try to have a good day today.

[MarkG]

I didn't have much time to read it all, but.... his THERAPIST?!?! o.O OK now that's crossing some sort of professional boundary, but I suppose it happens. Next question is how was the therapist unaware of his marriage? If she wasn't unaware how would this embarass him?

As for filing - do you want a D or no? I suggest if you want to reconcile DO NOT file, make him do it. As for DBing itself, sounds like you did it already. Detach, GAL, keep making him make the moves, but if there is still a OW make sure you keep your boundaries that you won't be in an open relationship. But I suppose I should sleep some tonight, good luck, ttyl.

[Rhody5]

@number 8 - I definitely agree on the cycling through high/low states.. It's now a question of how long I can wait it out without losing my sanity at the same time. At the very beginning I brought up the fact that he may have PTSD and a few days later they had PTSD training at work so he sent me a text saying he was learning about it. He wasn't opposed- just closed off on sharing how he felt about it. There's also a history of mental illness in his family (sister tried to commit suicide years ago when she was living with him and his ex.... long story but she just moved back here this summer after losing their house. Now lives in H's apartment building with her family.. coincidence that she moved in and his 1st marrriage broke up and now she moved here in June and he started walking away in July with us? Hmmm) And I definitely agree that if he were to get healthy, our relationship will improve but how do I get him there? Just don't know how much more "wait it out I have left in me" Haven't read DR but will check it out.. and will check out your thread in a minute.

@number 8, @mark G - Thanks for the advice on filing. I will definitely follow that advice. Although he is pretty strapped for money so don't think he'll be going that route. But one lawyer told me about this other option where I could take him to court to at least make him pay a portion of the mortgage... not like alimony but a way to force him to at least pay some commitment. I like the idea in that it forces reality that he can't just walk away from responsibilities.. but afraid that it will have the same effect

@markg - I know! He says it's not her fault b/c she thought he was single but still. Just wondering how much of an impact that has had on all of this and how to unravel all that damage at the same time. Everyone says I should report her but I promised h that I wouldn't as long as we were trying to work things out. No, definitely don't want a D but at the same time, also want my life back. Want the option of having kids, stability so don't know how long to try and work it out and when to cut my losses and move on to a more healthy life! plus, struggling to pay the bills and he pays nothing towards the house for months but expects to share in the investment? Not fair.

[MarkG]

You don't need a D to move on to a healthier life. A D is a paper, much like a M is a paper. A friend of mine who is D once told me "rings don't plug holes" - omg the truth in that sentence, sorry if it's too blunt. He applied it to his W, this applies to guys too but IDK in what literal context... anyways, logistics of that quote are besides the point. A M license won't stop a cheater, and the absence of a D paper can't stop you from detaching, GAL, and setting boundaries. If he's already starting to come around it sounds like you're a lot closer than most of us, but read up early on in my sitch, there's a too soon to jump back into their arms when you think they are ready. I fell into this after she left her OM, it worked to have contact with her for a short time & she cut ties with him for while, but my pursuing too quickly made her do a 180 to her 180 and she's right back with the same OM. But I suppose it's past my bedtime, as I said in my thread already, so gnite and ttyl.

[Vulcanized]

Rhody, sorry you are here.

I understand your feelings - it's where I am. You can read my story if you wish.

His counselor can be disbarred for having an A w/your H. I assume she is licensed? If so, you may wish to look into filing a complaint w/AMA.

Take a deep breath. You'll get through this. We all will.

[Rhody5]

I love it-- that's a great way of looking at it! It's funny though because my friends (and our mutual friends) all think I am a doormat for putting up with it. Someone completely walks away from all the bills, doesn't contribute anything to shared expenses and then takes the car and doesn't let you use it even to do errands such as getting groceries for major snowstorms? They just see jerk and don't understand why I want to try and why I don't file and severe all ties immediately.

[Rhody5]

Just read your story.. so excited for your next steps!

How are your friends and family with your decision to move back out? Mine are really pushing me hard to cut the ties and move on with my life. Love that you have pets too. H demanded that I get rid of the pets and the counselor we saw together suggested we put them in care for a bit to work on the relationship first. I was the stubborn one here. I've already been giving a lot...and what am I getting in return? I get rid of them and then a month later he will run again and I'll have a totally empty house! Plus, they've been keeping me sane. Even those days you just want to stay in bed, they force you to get up and out!

And she is licensed.. actually up for renewal in June this year. he says it was just flirting but if you saw the email (I should cut and paste it here at some point) it's pretty graphic so not sure it wasn't a PA too. Just afraid of reporting her at this point as that might be the act that shuts down h's willingness to even try to work on our relationship. Trying to set a deadline in my head for when if things aren't better than I can report it.

[Awoken]

Hi Rhody,

Glad you found the forums/Sorry you need to be here.

I read your entire post. You've been through some tough stuff already, and overall is sounds like you are handling yourself really great despite some awful circumstances.

After reading everything, this is what I picked up the most on:

I deserve to be with someone who loves me, someone who is there for me when I most need them.

But then you said:

Just afraid of reporting her at this point as that might be the act that shuts down h's willingness to even try to work on our relationship.

Believe me, I understand this conflict of thoughts and emotions. I've read many times here in the forums how fear controls and stops us from taking action when we most need to. I'll be interested in what the others say, but I think you need to go ahead and report the therapist. Not because you are trying to punish H or her, but because it is the right thing, and you are standing up against adultery, standing up for your marriage.

From what I've read in your post, your H has responded the most when you have stood up the most for yourself.

Hang in there.

[Vulcanized]

And she is licensed.. actually up for renewal in June this year. he says it was just flirting but if you saw the email (I should cut and paste it here at some point) it's pretty graphic so not sure it wasn't a PA too. Just afraid of reporting her at this point as that might be the act that shuts down h's willingness to even try to work on our relationship. Trying to set a deadline in my head for when if things aren't better than I can report it.

That is your decision as to whether or not to report her. The fact is, any sort of inappropriate relationship w/ a patient is completely unethical and she can be disbarred for it.

I understand your reticence not to do anything that may anger H. But I guess it comes back to: you don't have much of a M/R w/ your H right now. As for this therapist, I would question whether or not this is the first time she has been inappropriately involved w/ a patient. I would be inclined to think not, as she is completely aware of what she stands to lose if this were discovered.

How are your friends and family with your decision to move back out? Mine are really pushing me hard to cut the ties and move on with my life.

My single, never M friends have been pushing me to D since 2 months in. This attitude is definitely taking a toll on my R w/these friends.

Told my BFF a few days ago that he doesn't understand, it is nothing like dating somebody, that it [M] is way bigger than any R he's ever had. I know he still doesn't get it. But I am trying to make him understand that either a.) he support me in trying to save my M or b.) we will no longer be friends anymore.

Another single friend drunkenly uttered this to me: 'I need you to be single w/me so I have something to do next Thanksgiving'. That sentiment really makes sense of why she's been so adamant that I get D so early on.

My M/engaged friends seem much more understanding and supportive of my decision to try and save M. I'm spending most of my time w/these friends.

I think generally, one's friends don't want to see you in pain, and since the one causing all the pain is the WAH, friends jump to conclusion that if H just goes away, he'll take the pain with. I understand the intention is good, but the actuality is it just doesn't work that way.

Plus, they've been keeping me sane. Even those days you just want to stay in bed, they force you to get up and out!

AMEN!!!