Thanks pup... NOTE, it IS better to get a real person to do this.. that way you don't have to talk to your H and aren't exposed to the drama directly.
HOWEVER, you can get a halfway version of it with a phony email account. YOU will have to read his emails still, but HE will think you are fed up with his childishness an he will begin to freak out.
I would also find a GOOD sitter and start going out at night. Go out to movies, restaurants, dress up... talk on the phone while he's there... act like he doens't matter... he's just a darn ghost.
If he challenges you and you HAVE to say something
"I am ready to work on this marriage once she's gone... Don't expect your family to wait for you forever..."
This morning he texted me "Have a good day!", I didn't respond, and then he texted again "How was your class last night?" I responded with short "fine, justa long night".
I think it's also the use of the word "just" here. It's as if you're justifying YOUR distance from him, when HE'S the one cheating, and you are only protecting yourself emotionally!
That "just" is used as a softener, MB, as a way to "rescue" him from feeling the consequences of your delayed response.
mb, if you are worried about ignoring his texts as coming across as playing games, you can always say "I am only comfortable speaking with you concerning kids or finances. I know you will understand. " and then ignore the silly ones.
I do text my WH ONLY in response to S...but that is all he texts me about anyway!
Ya Newmama you got it... He's playing games with HER, so he thinks everyone's playing games with him. The OW is likley playing games with him too... I believe the popular expression these day is called "Hot and Cold" lol
When you shut him out, make sure he KNOWS WHY. If you give him a full explanation and details of where you are at, its not a game, your cards are on the table.
Since you won't fight with him anymore, which is GOOD, well done there! He's using the phone and the kids as an excuse to get that interaction from you.
Next time he sends a text write back :
YOU'RE HURTING ME
and send it... CAN that message and reply with that to EVERYTHING HE WRITES you...
I think it's also the use of the word "just" here. It's as if you're justifying YOUR distance from him, when HE'S the one cheating, and you are only protecting yourself emotionally!
That "just" is used as a softener, MB, as a way to "rescue" him from feeling the consequences of your delayed response.
Do you see that?
Puppy
I am completely with you on that one PUP... he feels guilty so he wants to make sure YOU aren't angry with HIM.
When you say "just along night" he hears...
I love you, I don't believe you are hurting me at all, my upset has NOTHIGN TO DO WITH YOU.
He wants you to let him off the hook.... its a symptom of his guilt.. and when you tell him your distance is from a long night he does a happy dance... HE is GUILT FREE for a few hours...
You need to stop feeding him these life lines...
Tell him he's HURTING you, shut him out, and watch him DROWN in his GUILT.
He will NOT last long under those conditions... no one with a shred of conscience could...
Allen A & everyone else, Thank you for the advice. I'm so torn at what is the right way to go. As I'm sure my H is too. I know a few couples that have gone through this and managed to save their marriages.
1. LBW chased and begged at first, and then gave up, which brought her H back. The H told me it wasn't until he realized his W had given up on him, did he realize what he was losing. 2. LBH pursued and it brought his W back. This one happened to be my sister, with whom I've had lots of talks with her about my sitch. In her case, she said her H's loving texts, and talks is what brought her back. 3. My own parents went through this (unfortunately they are both passed, so can’t really get their advice). However, I do remember some of what happened (I was a teen). I think on both sides there was pursuing and detachment until they finally were both on the same page and worked it out.
I’m thinking of trying the nice girl for the next couple of weeks to see what happens. My birthday is at the end of this month, and I’m using that day as my deadline for the nice girl act. If after that, I haven’t gotten any positive or more commitment from H, then I’m going to do a 180 and detach. I haven’t ever stuck with one technique more then a couple of days, because I let my emotions and impulses take over. I’ve seen positives and negative on both nice girl and detachment with my H.
In the meantime, I’m still going to work on contacting OWH. I do have a family member working on getting this guys info for me, as she has more time then I do to work on this.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
By taking readings I mean he is focussing on your feelings, your moods, your needs.
Walkaway spouses dont' do that... They are in full Out the door Mode... this guy wants to come back.
MB28 you just need to apply MORE PRESSURE.
Even a few rages and quick exits would work well.
You must have built up hurt and pain.
Wait one time when he's there and he acts casual and asks how your day went just
Look at him for a few seconds...
Let rip the hurt and pain in one HUGE BURST
YOU : YOUR AFFAIR IS KILLING ME!!!
Then you RUN OUT... don't even take a darn coat... run into the street, get in your car and DRIVE...
A few of those can really get the message across. I am sure this is how you feel anyhow. I am not suggesting you FAKE upset... I really don't think you need to. It is IMPERATIVE that you show TEARS and not ANGER... and that you aren't blaming him.. blame the OW and the affair.
Allen A, I love your last post. That is exactly what I want to do every time I'm talking to him. Just burst it out "Your A is killing me". And no, I would not have to fake that one (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I have a lot to say on rages but I will keep it short.
1. Focus on the affair and the OW... motion for your H's HELP. Do NOT leave him feel at all under ATTACK. 2. Once you let loose, LEAVE.. don't apologize, don't dust or vaccum, just LEAVE 3. Don't do this often. Save them for once every week or so. Act cold and indifferent. 4. The focus is to demonstrate the pain and hurt you are feeling, its NOT to attack your spouse or leave them criticized.
He WANTS to experience your emotions, that's how he keeps that life line open... so you HOLD them BACK... except for the rages.
After you come back (a few hours later.. NO TEXTING) you apologize :
"I'm sorry I got upset. I am not sorry I AM upset. I am sick of your lying to me and our children. I do'nt want you to see that. I don't want to share ANY of my emotions with you <insert name here>. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please do not interact with me. I cannot repair a marriage while you are with that woman."
and you LEAVE calmly without ONE MORE WORD
Its ok that he knows how you feel, but he can't get a taste of your emotions when HE wants it, YOU will decide when to rage. And keep them to a minimum.
The key is to show him NOTHING.. think Mr Spock here... he's a good sample to build on.
These are hard to do, so use them sparingly... And the apology and taking back your emotions is essential here. He needs to know you are holding back your feelings until his affair is over. He wants them and he cant have them... don't let him.
2. LBH pursued and it brought his W back. This one happened to be my sister, with whom I've had lots of talks with her about my sitch. In her case, she said her H's loving texts, and talks is what brought her back.
MB,
Was your sister having an affair when this happened? It's very different when infidelity is involved. I have personally never seen the pursuit thing work. EVER.
