Dusk at Dawn.

[chatterbug]

Well I am back from the service. That was difficult and I felt rather uncomfortable during the whole time.

Got there. Talked to everyone then when ladybug showed up I just said Hello ladybug and then just stayed with both brother in-laws.

Then went into the service area early and sat down. Ladybug came in and the seat next to me was open. I was thinking please don't and the bench in front and behind me was open. She just stood there for 30 seconds ( most likely 5 to 10 seconds but it felt like a long time )and looked at me and looked around and then turned and went to the coffin. Her brother came in and quickly sat down beside me. I whispered thank you to him. And then I watched ladybug as she turned around and saw that seat was now taken and she had a bizarre look on her face for a few seconds and then went and sat down right in front of me. So I starred at the back of her head for a few minutes. Thinking. WTF. This is rather difficult, but I can do this I am here for friends and family. My other brother in-law who was sitting on the other side of the aisle ( It was his father who passed ) looked at the both of us and pointed to the bench behind him that was open. So I got up with my other brother in-law and went and sat there.

The service was difficult. The sermon was about 50 years of marriage and how they survived the hard times and thrived in the good times. All I could think was. I wonder what your thinking since you could not even make it past 10 years. And I held back the tears. And just went all stone face and blank and counted flowers and anything else that was in the room ( Thanks Aver )
And I thought about how the first time in our relationship that was difficult for me and ladybugs actions. How she bailed, and how she just purposely hurt me during the most difficult time of my life( this is just pre affair ). How I did not during her difficult times. My brother in-laws sister sat in front of me. She was a LBS as well. She looked back at me during her own fathers funeral and asked me how I was doing. How was I holding up and said that she was very thankful that I would grace her fathers funeral. I looked at her and just said thank you. And I was at peace then. I knew that I did the right thing. It was difficult and it hurt. But it was the right thing to do. Support family. Support good people. Regardless of our personal relationships.

But it was very hard.

When the service ended I turned to my brother in-law who sat beside me and I said. Thank you. I am not going to stay too long as this is very difficult and I feel uncomfortable. He said. I understand. Nothing more.

Then when we left the service I had full intention of leaving. But other brother in-law completely broke down so 3 brother in-laws went out side and shared a few minutes of silence.

When we went back in. I walked around and gave my hugs. The sister who was a LBS walked up to me and again asked how I was doing. I looked her in the eyes and said Inner-strength. She looked at me and nodded and said. Inner-strength right back to me and gave me a hug. One LBS to another. And I could not get over how she showed me such grace at this time. And I knew that she understood how I felt as well.

So then I went to leave and ladybug came up to me and we had the following conversation.
LB: Hi cutter are you working from home today.
C: No ladybug I am at work today. Are you going back to work now.
LB: I really do not want to due to the situation.
C: Oh, OK. Ummm I can see that.
LB: So are you going home now or just back to work?
C: Not going home going to get a bite to eat for lunch then back to work.
LB: Can I join you.
C: OK. I am going here
LB: Ok.
LB: So what are you doing this weekend are you busy.
C: Yes I am busy this weekend.
LB: Ok. Well I have niece staying down And then she asked nephew what he was doing.
C: Ok well I will see you in a few minutes then.
Then she asked her brother to join in.
So the 3 of us had lunch.
Talked about sports. She asked about my family members health that is not good. Talked about upcoming race. That now she may not be able to attend. Said. Well I think the next time we see each other is on the 6th of March so see you then.
I replied take care and left.

Made it.