Next steps

[avermont]

I know, flowmom, really, that I am luckier than most--I do not HAVE to deal with X over children. How hard that must be, I can't even imagine.

I admire all the strength of the parents on these boards.

I am listening to all about clean slates, fresh starts, etc.

I am trying to get excited about new possibilities.

It ain't working yet, but I'm trying!

[pearlharbr]

Why is it not working? What's not to get excited about? Why are you choosing to focus on the negative?

[avermont]

Yes, Pearl is totally right about my motives. About THEM, not about ME.

Working, working, working on that.

Bit of a tough day today: dumb session with IC yesterday (I can't wait til I have time to post about that!)sleepless night punctuated with one of the very few dreams about X:

We were in the house together. He put his arms around me and we danced a little bit. I was thinking--is this like the other DBers post--H gave a little hug today? but this is weird--it is too much. Then we sat and he was being very loving. And I thought--surely he wouldn't be all nice just to try and smooth talk me into selling the house? is this genuine?

And then sure enough, he more or less said: Sell me the house.

And I got MAD (remember, I haven't been feeling my anger) and YELLED at him and THREW things at him.

And then woke up and was sad from then til now.

Oh well. Is this a new phase--dreaming about him?

How is working out the edits on the S agreement going? You have my love and sympathy as you work through that--

[flowmom]

avermont, I'm sorry that the IC isn't helping you right now. I've spent years of my life in C (not recently) and I have regrets about not being more picky.

About the dream. It sounds like you are clinging to the conflict about the house because it's the last shred of your R left. Your love for the house is the last thing that you share with him. I read once about someone having a funeral for their M. They buried some items that were symbolic of the R in a beautiful spot and found some closure that way. I wonder if you could do something like go to a beautiful place and have a ritual where you bury a house key as a symbolic gesture to achieve closure around the role that the house has played in your R? You need to look at that house as a dwelling, to look at it not as the repository for memories that you don't want to let go of, but look at it as whether it's the right place to start the next chapter of your life.

[avermont]

Ummm...because it's always been my nature to focus on the negative??!! I'm working on changing that!

Also, all--unless I am in complete denial, which is always possible, I am not currently experiencing the house as a horrible sad repository of memories.

Yes, it would be different when/if he moved all his stuff out. Bare walls, empty rooms. I would cry rivers.

But--right now, for the day to day--I don't feel all sad and reminded about X while I am there. Really--I'm not saying "oh, the day we hung those doors! The day we painted that wall!"

I am saying "boy, I enjoy the radiant heat in the bathroom. Gee, the woodstove is nice. Sure glad I'm here to enjoy it! The hardwood floors will need re-doing in a few years--and then they will look so nice! boy, these shelves are so great--I can find everything I need!"

Honestly, that is what I am saying, thinking, and feeling.

We also know, of course, that I am anxious, depressed and lately not sleeping.

But also GAL'ing, etc.

There are also big financial questions involved in the house.

Briefly--the more I think about it as a BUSINESS, which is how VT law will look at it:


the rents cover the mortgage.

the mortgage will be paid off in 14 years.

to give up the house gives up the current mortgage advantage, and the future profitability. (very very tiny profit, but still!)

So I am talking with L about how to frame the loss of that future income into a settlement.

I am also saying: why the heck should I be the one to give up such a good financial sitch? Pay a mortgage on my own--housing prices have doubled since we bought this one. I earn $10K less a year then he does; he has a partner to share living costs or buy a new house with.

So even setting vengeance aside, from a financial point of view, staying in the house is very good sense. Maybe even make enough to pay for the IC!

thanks all--more posting later. Lunch hour is up, and I am worn down thinking and writing about all this.

[pearlharbr]

I'm sure you aren't miserable in the house now. I certainly wasn't because I love my house. I simply took down the handful of pictures of us together and everything else was already the way I decorated. But it is the short term. I am concerned how you will feel a couple years down the road when it has cost you thousands of dollars to fight for the house. And you're still scared to go into town because you don't want to run into X and OW. Is that the quality of life you want?

I would be all for you keeping the house if you had the right motive and attitude. But you don't. And in that case I vote for getting the best financial deal and moving on.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver,
I totally sympathize w the bad IC. I had a terrible C right after the bomb, when I was most vulnerable. I agree w Flowmom, if after several sessions you're going nowhere/don't like your C, get another. I wish I had fired my 1st one sooner!

Oddly, I had a dream too last night w H in it! I dont' really think I've had a dream w him in it since the bomb, but not sure anymore. In my dream, we were separated. I can't remember all the details now. But it wasn't a happy flashback, or anything bad really, just kind of realistic I guess. I think it's just our brains processing the trauma.

I'm understanding how you feel about the house. Can the L's give you a timeframe of how this might play out if you fight? Can you calculate the cost? Maybe you already have. I know you're wrestling with this now. But keep thinking about YOU. What is the best outcome for you??

Yes, it would be different when/if he moved all his stuff out. Bare walls, empty rooms. I would cry rivers.

You know what, I am to the point where I can't stand to see H's stuff, I put it away, out of sight. I just wonder if you try imagining what it would look like when all his stuff is gone, will you still want to be there? Maybe so but if you were to get house won't he be clearing all his stuff out?

I don't know if this is helpful but you have my support going through this. And your GALing is awesome! I need to follow your lead there. 6:15 p.m. - time to leave work!! I'll check back soon (((Aver))))

[Gardener]

You know what, I am to the point where I can't stand to see H's stuff, I put it away, out of sight. I did this early on and it did wonders for my daily outlook. I then made the place more "mine". I just wonder if you try imagining what it would look like when all his stuff is gone, will you still want to be there? When his stuff is gone or packed away in garage, basement, whatever, it can be replaced with newer, "happier" stuff, no? Maybe so but if you were to get house won't he be clearing all his stuff out?

I don't know if this is helpful but you have my support going through this. I don't know if I'm being helpful either since I don't know your entire sitch or house issues. Am trying, though. And your GALing is awesome! I need to follow your lead there. 6:15 p.m. - time to leave work!! I'll check back soon (((Aver))))

Peace,

[pearlharbr]

I think that's a great idea. Pack all of X's stuff up and store it somewhere. Does he really have that much left after all this time? Also put away any pictures of the two of you. Then see how you feel about the house.

Think of it this way, you need to make room for your new roommate and her stuff anyway, right?

[avermont]

Hi all--

There is quite a bit of his stuff here, as he moved to a furnished apt. I can't really move or hide the china cabinet, or the big bookshelves.

The hallway wall is hung with family photos, mostly his. They really don't bother me. I took down photos of "us" early on. Bought some new furniture.

I had to take apart the big sectional desk thing to make the study into a bedroom for the roomie. I put half into my bedroom, so now it is like living in college, where every thing you have is in your "room." Still re-arranging for the roomie.

I would get rid of the desk thing entirely, except as it is still an 'ours' and 'ours' hasn't been legally decided yet, I can't really toss it. I could stuff it in the garage if I get motivated enough.

My lawyer is really pushing me to separate the emotions from the finances--and she claims she isn't a therapist! Really pushing that I find that $ amount I would be willing to sell for. Really pushing to avoid court.

I know she is right.

Processing, processing.

The next post is: Top 5 signs you need a new therapist.