WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

[quote=DiamondGirl]

Eventually you will find that even if you do react, your reactions will be different than they would have been in the past.

Right now, if you can learn to validate his feelings, eventually it could make a difference in your communication.

I did notice that what I responded to him was different than what I would have a few months ago. This time when he blamed it all on me I refused to own his stepping outside the marriage as a solution. I told him that before that point we were equal: We both hadn't the tools to deal with crisis, we both had made mistakes, and we both did not know what was wrong exactly with our marriage or how to fix it.

I'm working on the validating part... Am reading a book called "Crucial Conversations" (sorry I don't have it handy to give the author's name. It has so far been very enlightening...

[DiamondGirl]

Updating on the last week's drama and kicks to the head....

re: big blowout conversation with WAH I mentioned before... I'll just list some of the points...

Started out re: custody agreement wording - WAH is angry that I feel he is a bad father. He says I've shown that by stating I want "sole custody" of the children. Said that he sees that as my thinking he's going to run off or hurt the kids (referring to the clause about not taking them out of province without signed consent). Says that shows that I have no trust in him whatsoever when it comes to them.

I told him I was not going to give up my right to have a discussion about my children going out of province without me, regardless of who takes them.

He starts spewing... horrible R.. no sex (in more abusive wording of course).. don't understand him... controlling..

Said he filed for D that morning (this knocked me off my feet emotionally)(I now know that he can't file without the custody and separation issues resolved first as you have to attach copies of the agreements to the D app)

I called him insensitive and cruel as I have only known about everything for less than 5 months... (only I was more rude and said "known you fu**ed someone on my b-day" for less than 5 months)

He said there is a difference between fu**ing and making love... more of the same old spew...

Said he was planning on taking them to see her in the summer (she lives in attached country) and I was only being vindictive to prevent it. Said he planned on moving there, but wasn't sure when exactly, probably after summer. (another emotional blow but less because I suspected that's what he planned)

Then said in a calmer tone... "honey you know I'd never hurt the kids... I get that you don't trust me personally, but trust me with them"

When I refused to budge on the custody wording issues, he got angry again and said "by the way, I didn't F*ck her on your birthday.. it was the next morning" Nice huh?

I cried all the way to the lawyer's office..

Lawyer says that unfortunately all she can recommend is mediation to resolve wording issues and says I should get an actual separation agreement since he is so volitile (sp?) emotionally... Said she would not recommend removing the "consent" wording...she sent him an email to invite to mediation but as I knew he would, he refused... They charge a huge amount that is way out of my reach (retainer required) but WAH can qualify for legal assistance.. great...

Talked to SIL as D3 forgot her bedtime toy when visiting WAH and she was crying for it... SIL agreed to bring toy down next day after work (thurs).. vented as to comments WAH made re: b-day... She ripped him a new one that night regarding comments and rubbing my nose in OW... Rec'd an email 6:30am from WAH apologizing for comments that were "inappropriate and uncalled for"...

SIL brings toy to my place.. said that WAH said we were overreacting re: toy and refused to bring to house... Said she is at the end of her rope with him.. everyone in household was.. said she didn't know how much more she could take from him.. rude.. not contributing to household (money or chores)... angry then depressed then angry.. Told her to hang in there and to not enable him.. to let him see natural consequences for his actions etc. Said she suggested to him that he maybe live elsewhere and he looked like he was going to cry..

Went to IC that night.. she said OW motives probably trying to "rescue" H.. gave me more sugg re: handling kids reactions and said to be wary of H re: traveling with kids out of province (though passports are needed for them now and they don't have one). Said he needs to feel full consequences of choices (you guys are so knowledgeable about this it's awesome!) and to tell SIL same.

Talked to SIL re: consequences on Friday

She said he came to her in middle of night and said he was so confused. Wasn't sure moving out of province right idea. Wasn't sure he could be away from kids that far away. Wasn't sure OW relationship would work. Said he was going to ask her to move up here instead and if she wouldn't maybe their relationship was done.

Told SIL not to get her hopes up as I wasn't. Told her that he could just end up with another OW or this OW could convince him moving in with her was worth it.. She's hoping on him hitting bottom. Told her not to hold her breath!

I guess I was right as WAH emailed me this morning wanting to finalize wording on custody docs... told him I had no urgency any longer as I handle subsidy otherwise.. said he did and wanted things formal... told him I wouldn't sign his revisions... he said for me to send him how I wanted to see the wording..

*sigh*

On top of it all I'm sick as a dog (cold) and fighting with my mom (who lives in same house with me)

[DiamondGirl]

Oh yeah.. and I forgot the part during spew session with WAH where he accused me of having affairs with ex boyfriends throughout M

[cat04]

DG,

I am sorry to read the details of your drama.

One of the things I noticed with my H is that he could not stand the idea that I could not trust him or believe things that he said.

I too, even very recently, was spewed upon because I had boyfriends before I even met H. And yes at one point was accused of having A with them during the marriage. I didn’t but that is irrelevant.

Everything you have heard is really typical. The mood swings, niceness, apologies… It is all typical and normal.

If you haven’t, you should dive into the resources and the archives. It will help you realize that you are not alone and allow you to recognize generalized MLC behavior. As you can do that, it will make it easier to deal with as it happens.

Even though he is not happy about you protecting yourself and your children, it really is necessary for you to do so. If he ever wakes up, he will understand why you have done it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh yeah.. and I forgot the part during spew session with WAH where he accused me of having affairs with ex boyfriends throughout M

Did you?

[DiamondGirl]

I'm struggling re: these darn custody docs

Issues for me are: sole custody/joint custody, travel out of province and summer vacation duration

Re: sole/joint custody - I don't think that I can rely on him to make sound decisions re:kids right now.. And his time warp mind right now makes it difficult to get a response, plus I want to avoid more spew calls.. However, joint only means that I have to discuss "major" decisions.. not minor ones..

re: Travel - On one hand, I don't think he would take off with kids.. but what if this OW isn't the last OW? What if he gets another OW in a farther country? I don't want to go on record anywhere saying I agree to let him merely "notify" me when he wants to go on a long trip with kids, and not be able to have a say re: appropriateness of travel arrangements etc.

However, he cannot take them out of country without a passport for them and there needs to be both signatures on it to get one (as of now that is).

Another recommendation by L was to put a clause stating "agreement reverts to sole custody should parent (H) move out of province". Because of the fact it is difficult in her opinion to co-parent from separate countries.. That would start WWIII!

Plus he wants to be able to take them for 6 weeks in summer (guess where) which due to age of D3 and son's disability, would be too long to not see me and probably ruin summer camp plans (and funding) for S13 as I have to secure funding for camp and register in Feb of each year to ensure spot for him... And H wants to let me know a few weeks before whether going or not..

My plan right now is to stall on sending him a revision.. but if it goes to court it can't look like I'm uncooperative either (that's what I would claim about him with emails as backup)

Any thoughts, suggestions, tips, similar sitchs?

[DiamondGirl]

Forget it? Or have the affairs? LOL No to both..

No affairs... both xbf had told me that if I had problems with H they would want me back married or not and he knew that...

Haven't seen either of them in person for 20+ years.. spoke to one briefly online on FB but H knew about it and knew that my history doesn't get erased and that I stopped talking to him a week after contact..

He also accused me of partying too much since he left and ignoring the kids... since I'm never there when he picks them up/drops them off...

[DiamondGirl]

I've figured out that I pretty much only have to stall until March 1 as a new rule is coming into effect in my province that requires the applicants for custody to supply a detailed plan on how the children would be raised and cared for, including people involved in therapies, etc. WAH would have a hard time coming up with a plan because I have always done all of the paperwork, appt making and research into S13 condition. He doesn't know which agencies and services are involved in his care. Even if he were to guess, he doesn't have a clue as to what is needed in the coming years for S13.

I'm not worrying about it anymore, but I am getting my info together just in case he's spun enough to try and apply anyway.

[DiamondGirl]

Soooo tired today.

Started a second job last night (will only be for 3 months or so) and am still getting over the cold from the weekend.

I am feeling so hopeless right now. I know, I know. Everyone has days like that on this forum... It is just so hard when he's emailing me asking what I object to in the custody docs to imagine a future after (or if) he comes back to earth.

I'm pretty sure he falls into the category of man who thinks divorce will end his pain or finalize the chapter and it saddens me. I don't want to be divorced from him. I want a chance to forge something new together.

I'm starting to wonder if he will actually hit bottom at some point or if he's going to continue spinning for the rest of his life. It hurts to think of it as it would be a damn shame because the man I married was so full of love and compassion.

I don't want to have to lose my home to the MLC monster. I wouldn't qualify for a mortgage as I stayed home for so long and have a limited credit and work history.

I can't afford to buy him out either. And doing so would mean I'd have to qualify for a mortgage.

I'm feeling so hopeless today that we're going to end up divorced and our family ruined by his insanity.

I've been successful at controlling my impulses to make his downfall quicker... I've been telling myself that he will have to crash and burn through his own doing not through my actions.

I am afraid that going to court for custody will be a part of his crashing and burning and I don't want to be the cause of his hitting bottom.

Trying to concentrate on me today is next to impossible...

I need to hear some positive stories that divorce isn't the end of the road for this because right now it feels like it is...

[DiamondGirl]

Ok.. So I finally got Internet access back at home so I can visit the alt and connect with everyone... Pretty much the highlight of an otherwise rough day..