...So for my own sake, I have to draw a line in the sand and give myself completely to this process and just see what happens. What W decides to do is up to her, and I will indeed be very interested to see if she rises to the challenge.
...And the "We" vision is going to be posted on the bathroom mirror, and the fridge, and of course the kids are going to see it and ask about it, and I'll say W and I have decided to work on our marriage. We've even decided not to continue hiding the C sessions from them, but to present it as a positive thing that we're doing to make our marriage better. That can only be a good thing, if we present it properly.
...I've decided to give her a REAL gift, of myself. I'm going to make up a series of coupons, with acts of service on them, that she can present to me at any time, in any situation, and I will follow through. These are going to be things like "Clean the bathrooms", "Vacuum the house", "Fold the laundry" etc., and some of them will be WAY outside my comfort zone, such as "Plan and prepare an entire meal" (she will immediately recognize THAT one as being COMPLETELY out of character for me, as I NEVER cook).
....I'm also going to get that Love Languages book and read it (it's one of the few I haven't yet read).
Congratulations on your therapy session and your commitment to the process!
Also +1 on Chapman's the Five Languages of Love. It along with the SSM, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Hold Me Tight and a few others really impressed me and helped me better understand what was going on.
Make sure you are both absolutely 100% behind sharing your therapy vision statement with your kids. An alternate would be to put it in a wallet card you each carry. Not as good, but I don't know your wife's sensitivity.
As to coupons to do household chores as acts of service. I would like to just urge a little bit of caution. Coupons for acts of service, might or might not go over (in my opinion) depending upon the "motives" you wife assumes in your gift of them to her. My fear in giving those as a Valentine's Day gift, would be that they could make her feel like she needs to remind you to perform acts of service and the statement of love that your acts of service coupons represent are temporary and will expire when coupons are all used up.
An alternate suggestions would be to give her un-requested acts of service that she can recognize as extra special. For example, do what group of household chores you can and then something extra special for just the weekend:
get up early on Saturday or Sunday and get your wife's car washed/waxed/vacuumed or detailed;
do the unplanned meal, like was suggested, but tell her in advance so she doesn't have something planned where the food will spoil;
give her a coupon at a salon for something that will allow her to feel sexy or pretty-but not overtly sexual (examples are peticure/manicure, massage. etc.).
If you do give he a card (I think it is a good idea), a "killer phrase" I saw in a relationship discussion might be...."Let's stop fighting. I really love you. I know what you need in this marriage. I'm gonna try my best to give it to you. If you're not getting what you want let me know what I could do better …"and I really appreciate you and I'm glad I married you."
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
