Trying to move on

[awest1217]

I think that really is what you are missing right now. You are still very focused on W and it is ok to have these angry moments, but it seems that it is consuming you which is not good. You can be mad, but make sure it isn't getting into the rest of your life. You need to work through the anger in whatever way you can so that you can move on and have healthy relationships with those around you. The anger is completely acceptable and natural because she is not giving you any chances and if she does renig on what you agreed, that is just wrong, but don't let the anger destroy the you, you want to become.

[mishka422]

CTH,

I hope you are doing ok today. The blows just keep coming, I totally understand that, but work your hardest to take your focus off of your W. She is living her life and is not accountable to you any longer just as you are not accountable to her. You don't have to agree with what she is doing, but you know that handling the situation with dignity is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your girls. Keep showing them a strong, respectful, capable father and you will be able to counteract what your W is doing.

Be courageous in the face of adversity.

[Cie la vie]

No problem CTH,

I hear you with regards to the settlement agreement. I head into round 3 of mediation tomorrow and long term parental scheduling is on the table along with division of property. I too am seeking JPC, which I believe gives me identical custody rights.

We are currently splitting custody 50/50 since she moved out. My W early on said she would not require me to pay more than my 50% share of child costs. Given her dire financial circumstances she may change her tune tomorrow.

Apparently, I could be on the hook for child support regardless of the fact that we have a 50/50 split, in addition if she continues to be unemployed I could find myself on the hook for spousal support, even though she has pulled in as much or more income than me in the 15 years we have been married.

Fortunately or unfortunately (depends on your vanatage point) we have significant equity built up in our home. She is more than likely licking her chops in anticipation of collecting her share given the assinine financial situation she has put herself in.

Part of me wants her financial situation to continue to deteriorate further to teach her a lesson but the problem with that thinking is the court would likely require me to bail her out.

All we can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Good for you on getting out to play some hoops, nothing like a good sweat to burn off the stress and anger associated with the horse crap we find ourselves buried in.

Keep it up and keep you mind off of what your W is doing.

Writing that last line helps me reinforce it in my mind as well.

Hang in there!

[ClingingToHope]

Good luck, CLV.

I'm guessing all of her good intentions -- that being a relative term -- will go out the window when push comes to shove.

I've been dragging my feet on the taxes, but now I'm going to get them done ASAP so that there will be one less "tie" between us.

[ClingingToHope]

Day is going well today. Lots to keep me busy with at work. Saw girls after school. D10 is having a down day. Big snow storm cancelled my business class, but I can put in some extra hours at work and tonight I can start writing the book I've always wanted to.

I've been dragging my feet on that as well, but it was because it was too ambitious. I'm simplifying my project.

My big remaining goal is to be a published author and perhaps this is my chance.

Last thing, I scheduled my summer vacation. One week in June. Two weeks in July. I did not take the week of August off that W wants to go hang out with biker buddies. Two reasons, I'm going to force her to pay for summer camp for that week. And if her trip falls through then we won't both have the week off.

[awest1217]

Did the girls have school today or yesterday? Just wondering if you got hit with the snow as badly as we did.

[ClingingToHope]

They had school both days. It wasn't that bad. THIS IS BAD. I got my divorce papers in the mail today. Letter from her attorney saying he understands we both want the marriage to end and if I waive the notice of serving and the two-year waiting period then he will file the petition with the court.

In it, she's going for sole custody with visitation rights and no spousal maintenance.

I called her and it got heated. I reminded her that she agreed to joint physical custody as long as she got the house worked out at a meeting we had two weeks ago. Turns out she can't refinance and she's broke and can't live on less so she has to go for sole custody.

By coincidence, D7 had a school performance tonight and I had to see her there. We didn't say a word to each other.

There were lots of misunderstandings -- as usual. She felt like I tricked her into that meeting. She thought we were going the collaborative route and then she said I told I wasn't using a collaborative attorney two days later.

I don't remember that at all.

No matter. I do not want a divorce. Even though much of what she says about us being so different is true, I want another chance to see if we can get it right.

At one point on the phone, I said "I do not want a divorce. I still think this is crazy."

After, I started to write her a letter then crumpled it up. I don't really want to hire this attorney on Friday, but I don't see any other option.

I really just want to go over there and say, it's me. The one you committed to love forever. We've made it through our parents deaths, D7's ADHD struggles, a flood, work troubles, friend troubles. I'm still here and I want to be your best friend. I've always wanted to be your best friend, I just struggle with how to do that. Help me. Tell me what you need because I need you more than you need me.

I don't think I've ever put it that way.

I know you aren't supposed to pursue but I don't want to leave it unsaid.

I'm a mess. Help.

[awest1217]

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry to hear you got the papers. I think at this point you may want to say whatever you have left unsaid, but make sure it is in a positive light and not attacking. If you really want to say you want another chance and that you need her, at this point the worst that will happen is she will just continue with the D. This is completely horrible and I am at a loss for words.

I think the worst part is her going back on what she agreed two weeks ago just because she is broke. There are other things she can do so that she doesn't have to worry about money. Many divorcees have to move in with their parents for a while. If that happened I know the girls would have to move schools so maybe them living with you would be best until she can get on her feet since you are ok right now. Then she can move and you can put the house up for sale and when it sells you would have to split the loss, but that is better than what she is saying. You may have to really dig deep and go for sole custody too. Sorry to say, but it sounds like she is going to make this a messy divorce. Try to take the high ground whenever possible. That does not mean let her get her way, but stay polite and cordial because that will help your side.

I am so sorry. This completely sucks! I will be praying for you.

[ClingingToHope]

I've gotten perhaps two hours of sleep. I just don't know how to act or feel at this point.

Do I put my heart on my sleeve and tell her I've always needed her and loved her and want another chance before this all goes too far?

Or do I just turn it over to the lawyers and let them fight it out over every nickel?

Realistically, I believe she feels she still doesn't love me, but she also doesn't want to stick it to me. The weight of the mounting bills are weighing her down.

But I still want the fairy tale. I still want the W from the first five years of the M when we loved each other and worked together to build our future. I don't want the W of the past five years -- distant, depressed, anxious, suspicious.

Anger, hurt, despair, sentimental. Everything is running through my head. This Valentine's Day is the 15th anniversary of me asking her to marry me. That was a great night.

I lost it in front of the kids last night. It was my night to have them. And I started crying. I didn't tell them I'd gotten the D papers. I said I was sad about Valentine's Day and the fact it was 15 years ago we got engaged.

I wonder if any of this runs through W's head?

[awest1217]

I guess now is the time to think about you. This is so horrible, but you have to do now what is best for you and your daughters. I completely understand the weight of debt because I have thought about my sitch and the debt load so I understand her going for more money, but there are other ways besides just foregoing the agreement she made.

Do the best you can today, and some time soon you and W need to sit down and tell the girls what is happening. They need to know that divorce is happening. Also this may help with D10 and wanting W to go with you to Medieval Times. She may understand that now is not a good time to have a "family dinner". Take care of yourself. Do something to help you.