The other question is... what if he tosses the letter? Are you going to just send another one or are you going to knock on his door the second time?
He's going to be quite apprehensive if you leave an anonymous letter on his door and later on show up in person...
This is just a matter of being a forthright person... people having affairs sneak around like that... people having affairs avoid disclosing themselves and who they are... YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of and have NO REASON to hide.
If you are forthright he will be more likely to be forthright with you.. if you sneak, he's going to be less inviting to you...
We are making a lot of assumptions about this man's character of course...
We need to find out why you would want to just leave an anon letter... I would take my kids there with me and knock on the door... SHOW him you are not some quack and you have kids and are a serious and forthright adult
Thank you everyone. I know what I have to do; it's doing it that is hard. I will figure this out one way or another.
Seen H last night for a few minutes, and he was very cold and short with me. No R talk, just kids and house issues. However, I remained very calm and upbeat and let his coldness roll off my back. This morning he texted me "Have a good day!", I didn't respond, and then he texted again "How was your class last night?" I responded with short "fine, just a long night". I just don't understand how he can be cold one day and then all sweet the next. I thought about this, and I think I've found a pattern to his behavior. When he see's or talks to her, he is mean to me. On the days he doesn't talk or see her, is when he is sweet.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Even the second text shouldn't have been responded to. There's no urgent question in there, nothing about kids or finances that requires you to answer.
I thought about this, and I think I've found a pattern to his behavior. When he see's or talks to her, he is mean to me. On the days he doesn't talk or see her, is when he is sweet.
That may be, but also look at his responses to your behavior. He may be jerking the string.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I am with pup on this... why on earth are you texting him at all?
He's CHEATING ON YOU... DISTANCE is how you maintain your dignity and self - respect.
When you interact with him you are TEACHING him to walk all over you. You are telling him he can cheat and there are no consequences. When you maintain your attachment to him he has no impetus to leave the OW... He is enjoying his cake and eating it too...
Take your cake away... STOP interacting with him. Tell him if there are any questions to send an email to a friend of yours.
Now, I realize your friends may not want to take on that job. Penny reccomends that, but there is a way around it. YOU make an email account on hotmail or whatever with your friends name as the user name. Tell your H to email any matters to discuss there and they will be filtered to you if needs be. He won't know you are reading the mail yourself. He will still feel you are distancing yourself.
This has two benefits. It takes YOUR attachment away from him. He WANTS to interact with you. Every time you respond he gets a kick out of it... but when YOU respond, you are telling him what he's doing is OK. HOLD IT BACK. In addition to this putting pressure on HIM, it detaches YOU from his moods and drama. You will start to feel better.
DISTANCE DISTANCE DISTANCE is a VERY important part of ending an affair. It's counter-intuitive, but it works. When I finally found the strength and courage to give my wife the silent treatment and brought boxes home and started packing THAT is when the REAL stress hit her... she was a complete wreck... the affair didn't last long after that... and when she did communicate my intel told me it was almost always a fight between the two of them.
Do not interact. When you protest his affair and then talk wtih him after that, you INVALIDATE the protest.. he thinks you trust him that he's not cheating. He is deluded into thinking his denial is believable. He thinks that's why you are interacting with him... because he's not cheating.
This is REALLY HARD I know.. but you got to stop texting him... especially when he texts you. I am willing to bet you respond RIGHT AWAY TOO dont' you? Can you guess what we will say about that?
Regarding his mood... Affairs are RIFE with DRAMA.. HIGH's and LOWS. One day is exiting and fun and thrilling, the next reality has sliped into the meeting and a fight erupts and the two selfish mixed up people take it out on the only two they can... each other. They fight over having to sneak around. They fight over having to lie. They fight over having to hurt their famlies. They DO fight.
Highs and lows are a cornerstone of infidelity. It comes with the package. He's going to be moody, aggressive, defensive, charming, funny, childish.. you name it... he's going to be ALL OVER THE BOARD.
He's in an UNHEALTHY AND UNSTABLE emotional relationship with the OW... this is going to TRANSLATE into UNHEALTHY and UNSTABLE behaviour. When impulse controls you, you are an impulse.. you change from one moment to the next.
mb, if you are worried about ignoring his texts as coming across as playing games, you can always say "I am only comfortable speaking with you concerning kids or finances. I know you will understand. " and then ignore the silly ones.
I do text my WH ONLY in response to S...but that is all he texts me about anyway!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I will put it simpler... keeping in contact with him won't end the affair any sooner.
REALITY is what ends an affair. They are FANTASIES.
You showing up in the parking lot knocking on the driver door window while they are all over each other.. THAT breaks up affairs
YOU showing up in HER home telling HER husband that her irritability and distance isnt' his fault, that she's been having sex with your husband.
You telling her husband in front of her that you love your family and you would appreciate it if he kept is WIFE away from your husband.
HIM being shut out of his home, wife, and family... minimal involvement in the home he's returned to over and over again... the home he can't let go of... FACING the LOSING of that home is reality.
That's how affairs end.
I understand if you want to go a different route, all of us here can only offer our advice and you take what you want and discard what you don't... the best we cn do is post something that you may find helpful.
You are educating yourself and working very hard at this... THAT is a great sign... I have seen a lot of bitter people on here who won't take any ownership of their marital problems and who want to be needy or defensive... you are above all that and I am very impressed with your earnestness to fight this affair ... all of us here know very well how painful it is... and how rewarding.
Now, I realize your friends may not want to take on that job. Penny reccomends that, but there is a way around it. YOU make an email account on hotmail or whatever with your friends name as the user name. Tell your H to email any matters to discuss there and they will be filtered to you if needs be. He won't know you are reading the mail yourself. He will still feel you are distancing yourself.
I had to fight an affair on and off in my home for over three years. I heard a lot of "I'm not seeing him anymore" only to hear "I'm in love" a few weeks later.
The last SIX MONTHS of that three years was when my strategies were put into full force. I was needy, apologetic, helpful, friendly, etc.. for a long time early on. THEN I distanced myself but I mopped in the basement for a while. When she did contact me I responded right away. In short, it took me two years and six months to find the strength and courage to fight properly. I was only doing a half-effort and then i regressed.
This PATTERN of pursuing the rescue of your marriage and then faling back to a half effort... is PARLELL to the affair.
The affair is a pursuit of the fantasy, and then falling back to a half effort in the affair because reality has been hitting home hard.
I KNOW how hard it is to fight an affair, we all do. Fighting them with FULL FORCE will end them MUCH sooner. If I had just found my self-respect and dignity sooner I would have saved myself a lot of pain.
We are trying to spare you that pain. He needs to see you are serious and that you mean business. He needs to know the clock is ticking and that his responsability is at home. Texting him that your class was fine is not sending that message at all I am afraid.
We just want to see your home NOT have to suffer any further. I would just shut him out completely and tell him to leave a message if he has anything to say.
