I wouldn't call it sex chat - I think its more along the lines of authoring an erotic novel. Putting thoughts down in an email and seeing how far she can expand in an "open" environment with no disappointment, no talking about it, no worries of saying/doing the wrong thing.
The guy she is communicating with is close to being a WAH as he has a similar issue at home with his wife as mine had with her husband. They are supporting each other insomuch that each has a set of needs which were left untended for so long.
Once my wife told me that she wanted a physical relationship with the guy, we discussed the issue and her needs over a weekend and thought we had come to an agreement that said, "yes, we will work on this together". I checked her email/texts the next morning and found that while she had committed to me, she was also sending him erotica emails discussing her likes/dislikes.
That's when the shirt hit the fan as I was under the impression we were working through our problems - how could she continue her pursuit of this guy if she were truly wanting to work it out.
I soon found out, she couldn't!
She has been emailing back and forth since Sept 09 and didn't cross the line until January.
She is continuing the relationship with her friend. Whether she flies out for a weekend is immaterial at this point.
She is working on becoming more attractive and I, too, am doing the same thing.
At some point she will be forced with a decision to make and I plan on improving myself for myself to help make that decision a no-brainer.
They pass email and text each other regularly. I am not monitoring any of it as it is not healthy for me.
Don't mean to rain on your parade here, but this is one messed up relationship.
There is nothing NORMAL about two married people, even in crisis, involving themselves with others to "explore" their needs.
To me, this is all bullshit for "I wanna do another person."
Pardon my frankness, but I now have to side with the more hardcore gentlemen who've written you, and tell you that if you continue to allow her to carry on this relationship from your home...and ESPECIALLY if you allow her to travel to actually do the deed with her erotica partner....you are an idiot.
You surely cannot be so out of touch with reality that you actually think any of this is positive?
I will reiterate what I told you earlier.
If your wife is unable or unwilling to stop with her new friend, it is time for her leave.
Period.
Anything else, no matter how you spin it, makes you the whimpiest and lamest of all men. And rest assured, if you tolerate her continuing to act out her fantasies with this man, you will likely NEVER get her back.
Odd that I am now the one telling you that you need to reach down and make sure you can grab a pair...
Blessings.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
At some point she will be forced with a decision to make and I plan on improving myself for myself to help make that decision a no-brainer.
They pass email and text each other regularly. I am not monitoring any of it as it is not healthy for me.
At some point.... today's a pretty good day, it's as good as yesterday and probably as good as tomorrow but today is always good.
Mike what would make her change? What would it take for her to make the decision today?
"If you're still emailing the other guy while living with me and our children, you obviously have no intention of doing the right thing and working on the marriage, so you can have him but you also have to leave."
Then cancel the internet. Unplug the computer, disconnect it, box it up and put it in the garage or some other storage.
If she asks what the f!@#$%* you're doing, you tell her simply and without using more words than this:
"I've had enough, you won't disrespect me in my own home anymore."
Then get some boxes together, and start packing up her things. Tell her she has a few weeks to move out, tell her that once she finds a place you'll even help her load up a moving truck to put her stuff in it and tell her that she needs to sleep on the couch, you're not sharing your bed with her anymore.
And then tell her that you will both talk to your kid and let him know what's going on and that she will be moving out.
And then leave the room and reject her. If she follows you, get up and leave and go in another room. If she argues and brings up points about what you've done, you tell her "I was willing to work and improve myself, you apparently were not. I've decided I don't want this anymore, I want better."
Robx knows what he is talking about. I strongly recommend following his advise TODAY!
Some say it is better to wait, I want to tell you that it is better to act now. Every day that goes by while you continue to tolerate irresponsible behavior from your W, the higher the costs will be.
Did you read any of Britt54's thread? Look at the manes she thanked. These are wise people that know what works.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Would it be easy, rather than kicking her out and paying her alimony to have sex with other men, exploit the current situation and use that to jump start getting your own personal sex life back on track?
Since you are both into self-exploration and fantasy, would it not derive the greatest satisfaction if together you played out your sexual fantasys? Has she ever shared with you what she is fantasizing about? Have you ever taken the time to ask and listen? And help her to achieve orgasm through erotic dialog, actions and toys?
If your wife has felt neglected for a quite some time, she must certainly have a "loaded gun" in the dresser drawer and probably another in the closet (in case the batteries on the other start running low)... Is that mutual interest taboo or something that has been explored?
Your wife has some guts to tell you to your face she is planning on exploring sexual relations with a stranger. She did that on purpose. Is there a role she wants you to play? Obviously, she is playing the role of the dirty girl. Is she dominant or submissive? Is she doable? What does she feel her punishment for her behavior should be? Noone gets off scot-free.
I am interested on how you are planning on approaching valentine's weekend?
I now share a friendship with a person who has always been there for me in the 25 years I have known her. As the years went on and the pressures increased, our connection waned with energies re-focused on overcoming the pressure - the need to produce to prevent from being a statistic. My wife became desensitized to her true needs not being met over the years but was still strong in her conviction to be a loving wife. Her genuine being and focus has never faltered or been in question.
Over the years, I slipped into a pattern, a habit, a ritual, of putting my needs first to overcome my own insecurities rather than forging a partnership with my wife to offset the daunting tasks of remaining above water.
As I take self-inventory, I find I like about myself. With each coming day, I smile to think of what new thing I will find which I have neglected for so long. Here are some things I have come to realize in the first week:
1) Taking 15-30 minutes per day to take care of your appearance is a small investment which pays off big. My teeth are whiter, my breath is fresher, I smell better because I spray cologne or use an aftershave creme.
2) Taking time at the end of the day to lay/sit next to your wife is a good thing. That conversation has proven to be fun without the harass of daily living mingled into the conversation.
3) I enjoy spending time with my family as a family unit. I am still having to correct my habit of making a bee line for my office to solve "another critical issue". I now have options whereas before the only option that existed was that of neglecting my family and heading to my office for the majority of my time awake each day.
4) Most importantly, I am no longer mentally sedentary. I have a wider scope vision of what a person needs to consider to be healthy and more well rounded. I am reforming my definition of what it means to love, what it means to be a friend, and what it means to be a man.
Do I have it figured out?
Heck no....
Am I making mistakes?
Oh yeah.
What I cannot do right now is enforce a position which I have no bounds to enforce. Sure, as her husband, I could take the "Not in my House" stand but in doing so, I reinforce to her that I am close minded and incapable of letting her explore her needs. Besides, I no longer have the stake of Husband in her eyes - I am a friend.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not about sex. This is not about my wife hopping the next plane to Cali to have a steamy weekend with a stranger. This is not about her craving additional drama in her life and seeking a partner locally.
Might it go that direction - sure - if I prove to her that I truly am the person she has created in her mind then, yes, that is exactly the direction it will go because she will need a new person in her life = I will be gone.
This is about a woman reconnecting with herself and redefining what she wants and needs as a woman. Its similar to me typing this morning to this board. Therapy which allows me to sequence my thoughts and revisit them in a way which allows my wife and I to move forward.
Our session with the MC the other day reinforced our tack. We each discussed what got us here and reiterated that we are living together as friends for the sake of the child. We both stated that we had no present desire for a divorce. He positioned himself as the one representing the marriage in our 3 person triangle and listened to us. His analysis - this is the time to better understand who we are as equal individuals with the hope that next time, we are open to allowing him to enter the equation and establish goals for us both as married partners.
I concur with that.
I also realize that I will have to overcome the fear of uncertainty as this person is now a permanent fixture within my wife's life. She has always had guy friends in her life - all of which were from her childhood. Over the years, she made friends who became our friends with the full understanding that she was committed unequivocally to me.
Will I ever regain that commitment from her?
That my friends, is what is eating her up right now.
We are in limbo right now with mid-March as the next time to consider our position. I am making moves to better who I am for the sake of bettering the person I am.
I have scheduled outings with my son to include seeing the Harlem Globetrotters and a number of Spring Training games over the next 45 days. He and I are going to see my Mom this weekend and hitting Disney on the way back home.
I am feeling better about myself and taking strides in the right direction to make myself more attractive.
With respect to my actions, I need to be detached yet involved, say fewer words, and integrate myself into a family unit that needed me for many years.
Either you are Mr. Spock or one of the most "logical" persons on this board I personally have ever come across.
In a nutshell (sorry your Matrix 3 monologue tended to be a little emotionaless for my taste). You are fine with her exploring her female emotional needs with someone else because that allows her to understand how she really feels. Likewise you are doing the same.
And with both of you doing so, you are presenting a model of perfect adult, married behavior for you son who will emulate your logical way of thinking in his adulthood.
So given such facts, if she said she wanted to actually move forward and have sex with another man for the sake of exploring her needs (hypothetically) you will allow her to do so. Meanwhile, you will continue your course of exploring your needs and what it really means to be a man. Making yourself attractive, etc.
Do you not see the contradiction in your thinking?
"What I cannot do right now is enforce a position which I have no bounds to enforce."
So your vows of being each others one and only partner is not an enforceable position because you feel that you have become "inadequate" for her needs.
"I also realize that I will have to overcome the fear of uncertainty as this person is now a permanent fixture within my wife's life."
How so? He is not a permanent fixture. You are just allowing him to be.
So for the sake of argument. If your son wanted to experiment with drugs, women of questionable attitudes, etc., you would allow him to because he should be allowed to explore his needs and desires.
Hmmm if I were a woman or your son, I'd like to be your W or child. No offense.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
