Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[MHL]

We talk a good game about unconditional love, but we are not conditioned for it.

I think we are better conditioned to give that unconditional love to our children.

The Love that I have for my MLC W is not unlike that love that I have for my children, in that it is unconditional. It keeps me going and keeps me committed to the time it is going to take.

The expectation part comes later and it is more of an expectation of me. Can my Love for my childlike W move back to a Love that is shared between a husband and wife, that are mutaully committed to one another.

I think I said it in an earlier post as long as there is some pain I know I still care and that Love is still alive in me. It is fear of when I no longer feel the pain and all I have is the ILYBINILWY for my W, will I be able to get the "in Love" feeling back? That is probably the final level of detatchment that is required to Love yourself more.

[trustingfaith]

You are absolutely right - I think we are conditioned to give our kids the unconditional love. They are still learning, growing up, "allowed" to make mistakes, mistakes that are easier to forgive. With adults, it is harder because they should "know better." They should be able to stop themselves from making mistakes easier, so we put those expectations on them.

That is when we have to be able to detach and realize that they are NOT the mature adults we have known them to be or expect them to be right now. They are so caught up in their pain that they don't act rationally and act out of emotion and are selfish.

I definitely do love my H more like one of my kids right now. Iknow for me I finally am getting to that ILBINILWY point which kind of scares me. I guess the difference between me and my H saying it a few months back is that I am not acting on my emotions, I plan on sticking around (at least for now), and I do hope to work on it to get that back. I want it back. I believe it is possible. I have seen many posters on here who do have restored Ms say that it is even a better M than before. Hard work makes something that more valuable.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

Hope you had a good weekend and enjoyed a fairly entertaining SB.

I wanted to pay you a visit her in MLC land as I have been following your new thread with interest.

Part of me wants to be her friend but not to the point where I will "friendly" divorce her and her life will go on with me in it as her friend if we get divorced.

I posted on CTH's thread earlier today and had this to say which follows closely to what you say above.

I feel the same as you when it comes to being friends. I will be friendly with the X but don't see being friends at least from my current vantage point. Maybe in time, but I look at any early post D attempts by my X to get together as cake eating. If the D is what she wants and gets than she doesn't get any of me.

This last sentence may sound harsh but my guess is my feelings will be quite raw post D and I won't want to be available to her on any level other than the business of raising our children.

The BS my W has put me through regardless of whether or not she is a MLCer or not will make it very difficult for me to stomach her by my side anytime soon.

(Post D should it happen)

The above are my thoughts/feelings as they pertain at this time to the very real possibility of the D going through. As you know it's not what I want and I'm going to do whatever is necessary to prevent it from happening.

I'm off to the doctors office to have my shoulder looked at. Catch you later.

[MHL]

CLV,
I don't how I will feel when that day is appoaching, it may come when we hammer out a separation agreement which is the divorce in a nutshell, someone still has to file though. Right now, it is better for me to be her friend, that could change. Just 30 minutes ago I wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her how bad she is messing up the kids. D13 is curled up on the couch, stomach in knots, says its not sitch that she is sick, I know better and it pisses me off so bad. The friend in me keeps me from picking up the phone and going off, which would not get me what I want. If I wasn't so friendly right now, or if we were divorced already, I just don't know????

I appreciate the "raw" feelings, all I have to do is look at my daughter right now and yes I would probably be right there with you. I'll jump downstairs to "separated" for a beer in a little while.

TF,

Hard work makes something that more valuable.

Somewhere, on these boards someone reminded me that which we all already know or at least have heard......"The very best things in life do not come easy".

I too, am scared about being able to fall back in love with my wife some day, but I know that is a ways off but the falling out of love is now. Maybe you really do have to not be "in love" someone in order to love yourself enough to make the "real" lasting improvements in yourself. Do we "love" ourselves enough to stop loving our spouses?

I have read some success stories where the LBS is somewhat thankful for the crisis they went through to get where they are today with their spouse. I am now looking back at my marriage and starting to see and remember the things that I was not so happy about and thinking that I don't want to go back to that even though it was better than where I am now. It is difficult if not impossible to imagine a better life without my spouse in it but if we handle this right and do for ourselves we do end up better with or without them.

It is so easy to say that, I wish there was some part of doing it that was remotely easy.

[cat04]

I too, am scared about being able to fall back in love with my wife some day, but I know that is a ways off but the falling out of love is now.

You cannot allow this fear to keep you from taking the steps you need to take for you and your life.

I am now looking back at my marriage and starting to see and remember the things that I was not so happy about and thinking that I don't want to go back to that even though it was better than where I am now.

This is one of the things that makes piecing hard. If you get to that point, you will have to iron out those issues as well as the MLC stuff, and if you can, then you will have a wonderful M.

It is so easy to say that, I wish there was some part of doing it that was remotely easy.

If it was easy, would it be worth it?

Read…

Hard work makes something that more valuable.

Somewhere, on these boards someone reminded me that which we all already know or at least have heard......"The very best things in life do not come easy".

[MHL]

Cat,
The "fear" has not stopped me but it sure has slowed me down from doing the right things for me. I feel like I am making up for lost time now, I do feel better about me.

Journaling here,
I did end up talking to my W for a little bit last night. She usually calls around 8pm to say goodnite to our S9. She called on time and I answered in a hushed voice b/c D13 was asleep on couch. My W asked what wrong and I said "D13 not feeling well" I did not wait for her response just handed phone to S9. He must have said something to her or she asked him about D13 b/c she asked to speak to me after him, she never does that.

She wanted to know what was wrong with D13, I paused and told her that I did not want to talk about it, she knew what the problem was and it was my way of letting her know that I blame her for what is going on with both the kids.

She then told me that she lost her position at work, they did not fire her but they but her in a clerical position as opposed to a sales position. Her world is starting to close in around her, money, job, kids, marriage, I can't imagine the pain she is in, she started to cry over the phone but kept it together. I was just going to hang up and put my S9 to bed but I told her I would call her back to talk to her after. That was long enough for her to put the armour back on and the force field went up.

When I called back 5 minutes later, she was miss calm cool and collected. We talked briefly about her job and then I brought up last week's conversation and then I asked if she ever thought about what we talked about last week and us and she said "I think about us everyday". That was it she was ready to get off the phone and so I let her go.

I don't know what she is thinking and I am not going to waste any time on trying to figure it out but I do know she is willing to talk here and there and I will take it FWIW.

[C-Bart]

Oh the good old armor. Your doing the best thing you can do by being her friend. Good work on holding onto yourself. Hard to watch someone fail. Very frustrating.

[dwinter82]

Sounds like she is starting to feel the ramifications of not having you there. Now is when you want to avoid R and serious discussions as much as possible (you do not want her thinking about the negatives) and act as if you are moving on. At a minimum, is she realizes you are not going to be there for her on a permanent basis, then maybe she will begin to re-think what she is doing, if she has not done so already.

[fisherman]

She wanted to know what was wrong with D13, I paused and told her that I did not want to talk about it, she knew what the problem was and it was my way of letting her know that I blame her for what is going on with both the kids.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to discuss that with her, it wouldn't do any good right now.

Don't take this the wrong way, by no means am I saying that you should shield her from the consequences of her choices. Just be careful with having the mindset of "letting her know she is to blame." I can't see how that would draw her any closer. More than likley it will only cause her build up that "force field" even stronger.

I can't imagine the pain she is in, she started to cry over the phone but kept it together.

No you probably can't. Again...all the more reason not to add to it. You trying to show her will drive her further away.

[MHL]

Trapt,
Your right, she definitely "heard" my displeasure in my response, probably is the reason the force field went up in the first place. It is hard to see my children in pain and I know I am going to have to watch my W self destruct also as this job thing plays out for her.

DW,
Probably right on the R talks and yes I am focusing on me and the things that are good for me and the kids right now.