I had a good night, involved in GAL activity. I had a gig performing tuesday night. It's the night and venue where lots of local musicians come and sit in, so it's a real community type of thing. We all know each other, and there is a lot of camaraderie. I guess some word has spread about my sitch, although I haven't been talking about it. I do suppose some of this is conspicuous: I typically talk about my family all the time and now I don't; I've lost about 30 pounds, and changed my appearance, and I'm not wearing my wedding ring. Normally I wouldn't think anyone would even notice such things, but several people commented on it to me, and inquired how I was doing. I was both embarrassed, and touched that people I pretty much only know through music were concerned.
I had a good time, visited with lots of friends and met a lot of new people. It surprised me when two different women hit on me. One in particular was only in her 20's, and basically asked me out on a date. It was good for my ego, but I'm not interested or ready for anything like that. I'm still legally married, but also in my mind and heart. I got home late, after 1am, and was feeling in pretty good spirits after a night with friends and music.
This morning, while I was taking D17 to school and I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and the tears just came. We were in the car together, and there was no escaping it. I've put up a good front for the kids, and she hasn't seen me tear up before. Of course she asked "what's wrong daddy!?", and I just told her I was having a sad day, and that it was a natural part of the grieving process. I remembered Gardner's words, and told her I would be ok, she would be ok, and we would always be ok.
I feel bad she saw me upset, and I hope I handled it ok. She hardly needs to be worried about me, although I know she does anyway. I'm hoping this trip to NY will give me some time to get my head together and regain my strength.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
