Question

[awest1217]

Ok so the last post I was ranting. I had to call my mom because she also works in the same school district as H and has off. S is really fussy and not feeling well. He has had a raspy voice since Saturday, and now has a nasty cough with drainage. I was going to take him to daycare, but with him being so fussy and not really wanting to eat much, I figured it would be better to be with grandma who will spoil him and give him the attention he needs today. Going to take him to the doctor after work. H said he wants to come with us so that is nice, and I am figuring S will need some type of medicine so while we are waiting for that, we will go grocery shopping because I have minimal in the house.

I know I need to watch my anger, but some things are starting to boil up. I feel like H wants my sympathy with his situation and I am tired of giving it. I understand he has to say good bye to his "best friend", but I have been without mine for a year. I am the one he cheated on. I am the one who will get hurt when he chooses to slip up. I have been reading a few other sitches on here, and if he really wants to make us work, he should be the one saying he will give up OW. He should be offering, not making excuses as to why he might slip up and scared to come home. IT is a thing of will power. He didn't talk to me for three weeks straight. NO CONTACT AT ALL! Why can't he do the same with her. I am the one who has been through everything with him, not her. I have our S not her. Why can't he just give her up and really focus on us. I understand the being sad about losing a friend, but if this is what is best for us and he has kept saying since October "I don't want a divorce", then why not do everything possible to make us work. I love the i love yous and him actually kissing me (only one time, who knows if that will continue), but what about the real issue here. I am so tired of being the only one in this R. I am tired of having to support him, when I am the one who got hurt. I am tired of holding this relationship together when he isn't willing to change and let go of the only thing I have asked this whole time. I know I need to calm down, but with there now being a deadline, I feel like we have to work a lot fo this out now. As I said above, I don't want him to think he is going to come home and just magically stop talking to her and us be ok. He needs to stop now so when he comes home I am not going crazy. And another thing...since he is the one who has lied and cheated, why am I the one sacrificing and giving him more privacy. Why can't he actually be open with everything with me?

I know that all sounded harsh, and very selfish. I just need to get that out because I don't want to hold a grudge. Things I have changed about myself that I don't want to have come back with H coming back are...controlling my emotions, being more loving, leaving housework adn other chores for later when being with H or S is more important, not being controlling to H, not nagging, being more thankful and grateful, and LISTENING (which H has complimented me on the most).

I know this doesn't sound at all like I have the last few weeks. I think I am just overwhelmed because H doesn't seem excited to come home, and the way he sounded when he told me is like man that is soon. It is, but was he at all thinking "I want to be home before our 1 year mark" which is one week later? I mean did he have any plan for leaving or just going by his feelings. Was he just planning on playing us both for forever? Who knows know...all I know is that in a month or sooner a lot has to happen. Scary, but exciting.