Anyway, he started off reading through our "We" vision exercise from last time, and we talked a bit about that. He asked us each how we felt about it, and the exercise, and explained that it's a living document, meant to be reviewed on a regular basis, and updated from time to time, just like a corporate mission statement or strategic intent statement. In addition, we're to make a firm weekly "date" to spend the time it takes to read it aloud with each other, and also post it on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, etc. Just like a corporate mission statement. I can't remember exactly how we got onto the next topic, but suddenly he was asking me about my childhood family and those dynamics. We talked a bit about how Dad treated me, and what Mom was like, and he drew parallels between the fact that I had a hard time being heard by my parents as a child, and the difficulty I've had in communicating with W. We also talked a bit about methods by which each of us can connect with the other - for example, he asked me what would make me feel most loved, and of course I answered "physical affection and closeness", and of course W's answer was "to have me do things for her, or to help more around the house". He then mentioned that if she observes me being attentive to her needs, like doing the dishes or other chores (and it makes her feel more loved), she should respond by giving me a hug and kiss, instead of just saying "Thank you." Pretty basic stuff, but pretty powerful, potentially.
The real kicker was when I described a typical evening, where we sit like zombies in front of the TV, she falls asleep, and I'm basically alone. THAT led him to challenge us to go without TV for 30 days - cold turkey. As soon as he said that, I'm thinking, "[censored]! Why did I have to mention TV???", lol. On the way home, W was feeling rather incredulous and intimidated at the thought of absolutely NO TV for 30 days, what with the Olympics coming up and everything. I should mention that lately, we've both gotten quite interested in a number of shows, and Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights have been really big TV nights for us (Desperate Housewives, The Middle, Modern Family, Cougartown, Biggest Loser, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory). Plus, a couple years ago when the writers were on strike, we "survived" by watching season 1 and 2 of Lost on DVD, and finished just in time for Season 3, and we've been faithful watchers ever since. And last night was the second episode of the Last Season. Not to mention the last episode of The Jay Leno show. Anyway, W was pretty nonplussed, but I said if we cheap-out about THIS, then how will we avoid cheaping out on the really HARD stuff? We might just as well save our money on the counseling, because it isn't going to work if that happens. It was only a 10-minute drive home, but I initially agreed that we could make an exception for Lost, at least.
So last evening we did watch Lost, and I felt pretty bad about it, and worse about it this morning when I woke up. W had to leave about halfway through the episode to pick up S18 from the bus (he had a late evening at University), so I taped it, and I was all set to watch the rest of it with her, but she didn't sit down, so I watched Leno instead. D26 was also watching, and it would have been somewhat awkward if I'd simply said "No, we've decided not to watch TV for the next month." Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was another violation of my integrity, and this morning when I woke up, I decided I was NOT going to watch any more TV for the next 30 days, I'm going to commit completely to the process we've begun, because to do anything else is to admit that a) I don't really buy into the process (and this is costing me $90/session), and b) my marriage really isn't more important than what's on TV. So for my own sake, I have to draw a line in the sand and give myself completely to this process and just see what happens. What W decides to do is up to her, and I will indeed be very interested to see if she rises to the challenge. I'm not going to nag her about it, or mope or fume, or argue about it, I'm just going to observe, and do what I need to do. And the "We" vision is going to be posted on the bathroom mirror, and the fridge, and of course the kids are going to see it and ask about it, and I'll say W and I have decided to work on our marriage. We've even decided not to continue hiding the C sessions from them, but to present it as a positive thing that we're doing to make our marriage better. That can only be a good thing, if we present it properly.
I was also somewhat ambivalent about the approach of V-day, wondering what I could/should do, if anything. Like should I get her a card, or (given what we're going through, and have been for years) if that would seem lame. But in light of the knowledge that her major LL is Acts of Service (really, REALLY no surprise to me), I've decided to give her a REAL gift, of myself. I'm going to make up a series of coupons, with acts of service on them, that she can present to me at any time, in any situation, and I will follow through. These are going to be things like "Clean the bathrooms", "Vacuum the house", "Fold the laundry" etc., and some of them will be WAY outside my comfort zone, such as "Plan and prepare an entire meal" (she will immediately recognize THAT one as being COMPLETELY out of character for me, as I NEVER cook). Along with these will be a card, containing my commitment to actively looking for ways I can do things for her that will help her see how much I love her, and I will act on that commitment. It will be very interesting to see how this goes over. I intend to keep it up at least for the 30-day no-TV commitment period, just to see what effect it has. I'm also going to get that Love Languages book and read it (it's one of the few I haven't yet read).
Our next session is about 3 weeks away, and it'll be really interesting to see how things go during that time. I will journal about it here. In fact, that's one thing I just realized this week - that by posting here as regularly as I did between '03 and '06, I was keeping a journal of sorts, and I can go back and refer to that, and use it to gauge progress, and remind myself of what hasn't worked in the past. I do realize the only person I can change is me, and I have at least a short-term plan now for doing that. A sense of purpose can go a long way, and there's a sense of freedom in giving myself over to the process and trusting the C knows what he's doing. I feel like I'm either on the verge of watching everything I've worked for and dreamt of all my life dissolve before my eyes, or I'm on the verge of the most amazing adventure ever. Either way, it won't be boring. I really hope W will rise to the challenge.
