Some feel pressure, both externally and internally to get it over and done w/very quickly. They are the extreme cases that feel the only way that they will ever be happy is to be rid of the entire situation pronto. Also, guilt drives them to do things as well.
Others, well, let's just say that as long as they are not pressure into doing something, they'll continue to walk the path. Also, some are just so happy to straddle the fence and not rock the boat because they have the best of both worlds.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Since I also live in NY, apparently according to my L you must agree to the separation and then you must wait a year. At that point the D is final. If you don't agree to the separation the D can be faster. That didn't make sense to me but thats the way he explained it to me.
Snodderly has given you a good explanation the way their mind works(or doesn't work).
I find it curious that he is signing the house over to your eldest son when you do have 5 children (or is it 7). How fair is that? None of my business really but just IMHO.
OP - You're right, it's not fair, but nothing about this has been fair. S26 is the only child in position or has the interest at this time to be able to take over half the farm. H in his haste to be rid of me and what he feels are his burdens that this is the only way to go about it, and let us keep the place. So, while he is not being fair to the rest of the kids, he is 'giving' up his half of the property so we all can remain here. I guess it could be worse. He could force the sale of the place to get his half.
A divorce isn't automatically granted at the end of one year is it? Doesn't that have to be filed and paid for separately?
Snodderly- In reading your posts to other folks on depression, I guess I should give up any glimmer of hope that H would ever return. I admit that I do not know much about H's childhood, said he didn't remember when asked, I do know this. When he was 9 years old his dad died suddenly when his appendix burst. His dad was recovering nicely from the surgery when the hospital put a pneumonia patient in the same room. H's dad caught pneumonia and died. H's father was the love of his mother's life. (She had been married for a short time once before to an abusive man) H's mom withdrew from her 2 sons for a while. H has an older brother. H once told me that if it hadn't been for him and his brother that his mom would have joined his dad. I don't know as if she ever fully recovered from losing his dad. H's mom had to go out and find work to support them. I do know that she was very overprotective of her sons. She would not let H play sports in HS for the fear of him being hurt. She would not even let him carry a pocket knife until he returned from the Army. I believe that's why H enlisted so that he could be free of the sheltering. From what I knew of H's mom she was a wonderful lady and I loved her. I know she didn't like H's first wife, but I do believe that she liked me. She didn't call on H often and never interfered with our marriage, but he was always there for her whenever she needed him, and I know H loved her very much. We lost her about 24 years ago due to a heart attack.
Since there is no chance of H ever going back to talk to his mom and with an extreme avoidant personality (I couldn't get him to see a MD much less a C)I guess I'm destined to live w/o my H.
H once told me that you can not expect another person to make you happy, that it has to come within. H ran because he was unhappy, and blamed it all on me. I don't think by his actions that he is any happier where he is now. He told me in the beginning of this that he hadn't realized up until 2 months before bomb just how unhappy he was, he'd just had no reason to leave before he re-met OW. I know that he has a hard time looking around here when he visits. S26, dil, and S23, and I, are doing a lot of renovating on our old place. H would go in spurts as far as renovations here, but was never really into it. H told me after bomb that he was sorry he couldn't be the man I thought he was, and I told him that I always accepted him for him. I always had, but I guess it wasn't enough. In the end I guess just loving him wasn't enough.
I believe it doesn't matter what I do or don't do now will make a difference one way or another as far as ever having H return. It would give me peace to let him know what is in my heart and mind about all this, so I can just try to let it go. H is in such a fog that he probably would not even remember me saying anything anyway. Maybe writing a letter would be easier for me. What do you folks think?
One thing that I forgot to mention. The other day in an email H stated that either we (us living at the house)needed to either divide up the utilities and give him the money for them, or get them out of his name. I had already started paying them in January. I told him to give me the customer service and account numbers and I would get them out of his name. I told him the kids and I had a financial agreement that worked for us and that I, and only I, would be paying the utilities. He also stated that his half of the mortgage was due. I told him that that was between him and S26. (H talked to S26 and H will pay it this month) I told him to look into a Quit Claim deed, that it might be cheaper. I guess this probably was a mistake as it prompted a talk between H and S26 that the house would be switched over in March. H still has not given me the customer service or account #'s. H forgets so much these days, should I remind him again to give them to me or continue giving him the money to make the payments? I know about what they run so he is not asking for more than they are. Paying these bills are a 180 for me as H always took care of them. Showing him that I am and can take care of business makes me feel good. I just wonder if it enforces his notion that we really don't need him. We certainly can get by w/o him here financially, but he just doesn't realize he was so much more to all of us than a paycheck.
There were times in the beginning of all this that I felt like everything I did was a mistake that was the "final straw" and I would be "served" at any moment. That feeling will pass. Look out for yourself and your kids and know that you will be able to handle whatever happens.
If he doesn't give you the accounts, IMO just give him the money and let it go.
Like yours my H has an avoidant personality. It is it's own brand of wierd to deal with.
He may never realize that he was more than a paycheck. Sometimes you get little chances to say things to let them know though. You just have to watch closely.
Snodderly- In reading your posts to other folks on depression, I guess I should give up any glimmer of hope that H would ever return.
SA,
While depression is difficult to watch and MLC have no guarantees, you do not have to give up hope.
As time passes, what you hope for may change, but good can come out of this even though it does not always seem like it in the present.
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H once told me that you can not expect another person to make you happy, that it has to come within.
This is very true.
SA,
I wanted to quote your entire post but I decided to respond a bit differently.
Lately, I have heard a phrase several times that stuck with me…
Be the change you want to see.
It is a very simple way of stating the Law of Attraction. Which is a theory that seems to be growing in popularity. Maybe google it.
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I believe it doesn't matter what I do or don't do now will make a difference one way or another as far as ever having H return.
If you think you will fail at this, you will fail.
No one can guarantee your H will come back to you. But if you believe he won’t, then that is what you will get. If you believe it might be possible, but in the meantime you live for yourself and your kids, the outcome, after time, just might surprise you.
They tell us they are not returning. Some go as far as filing and even following through with the D. But that does NOT have to mean that it is over.
Is the old M dead? Absolutely.
Can a new M be created? Stranger things have happened.
Are you on FB? You really should become a fan of DB and people will find you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My H parents are both dead. His mother when he was 13 years and father when he was 18 years.
He has visited their grave twice recently whereas before he never went. I believe he is sorting the issues out in his head by visiting them where they are and although he can't speak to them it helps unmuddle his mind and come to terms with what he needs to.
Don't be too pesimistic about your H parents being dead. Where there's a will there's a way..........
A divorce isn't automatically granted at the end of one year is it?
I believe that it is final after a year. It is then considered "no fault". If you don't agree to the separation then they can make it faster through a "fault" or with cause.
I think the others have stated it well. You have to get past the fear of the D. I know that for many people that is very hard. But the fear can be turned into your shield, with some work.
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Are you on FB? You really should become a fan of DB and people will find you.
This is called the alt.
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I just wonder if it enforces his notion that we really don't need him.
I wouldn't worry about him. Prove to yourself that you can take care of everything. He will notice.
Seeking, No one is advising you to give up on your h. However, what we are trying to tell you is that there is nothing you can do for him right now and that your energy would be best used to focus on you and your family. Your family needs you now more than ever.
As for the finances, in my area, my xh had to authorize the transfer from his name to mine. If you have joint credit cards and there are balances, you will need to determine whether to pay them off or request that the account be transferred over to a new account w/just your name on it. In my case, contacted the two joint accounts and advised them that I had lost the cards in order to do this. The reason that I'm mentioning joint credit cards is that whatever he runs up on that bill will also be your debt as well. So, get your name off of them as soon as possible.
As for him being just a pay check, he will need to figure that one out. When they are in crisis nothing you do will please them. They are so out of sorts and bounce all over the place. That's why it is very important to take care of yourself, try not to analyze their every word or their behavior. It's really not about you at all, but about them and searching for the answers that they need to heal.
All you can do is pray, have faith in the man upstairs, and dig deeper for more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking, As someone who has/is on both sides of the MLC let me tell you those feeling are real. I remember feeling exactly the same thing about myself. Less than a man more of a function. Its amazing what a mind can do to itself.
You have got to be very careful here. The only analogy I can give you is of someone sinking in quick sand. If you panic and try and pull him out you will get sucked down with him. Your are no good to anyone standing in the same hole. Go look for some sticks and ropes(self improvements) but for God's sakes stay away from the hole.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
