This is all I'm going to say again about setting a boundary. This is referring to her computer activity at very unusual hours and shutting herself off in a room for privacy. At this point, you don't have any proof of OM, but her activity still comes across as disrespectul to you (if I'm understanding you correctly). Of course, if you don't feel that it does......then it shouldn't bother you.
Any boundary that is set up should not be a control method over your W, but it is telling her what "you" cannot live with. It is about showing "you" respect. If she wants to go deeper undercover with OM, then she'll have to do it away from your house. If she is doing her "work" at home, then she should not have any problem giving you password or keeping the door open so that you can see what she is doing.
If she chooses not to show her H respect by doing what has been stated, then there should be some type of consequence or reaction to that. Only you can decide what type of reaction that would be, but if there is "nothing" then everything will continue as it has been doing and she will disrespect you even more.
As I said before, I believe this is about choices and respect. You are concerned that you come across as controlling whenever you are firm or if you take charge. "Who" makes you feel that way? Many women use that excuse of controlling whenever they want to eat cake. (But, let me quickly add that not all women do and some have legit reasons for calling it controlling.) I'm just talking about your stitch.
I think you are seeing too much "control" issues in the R and perhaps that has to do with military training (I have no idea about that), but taking care of the finances when you are the one who is better qualified should not be seen as controlling. I bet she has her area of responsibility that she handles. I was raised up to believe the man should be the leader of the home. (Of course, if there is no man, then the woman is the leader....needless to say.) I'm not suggesting that the W is in the same position as a child in the home, or anthing like that. I won't get off into all of that b/c I don't have time and I don't think it's necessary. I realize this goes against the grain for a lot of the younger women....and I understand that. I do believe that things need to be equal in making decions, etc., and each partner should be respected as individuals, but just as in the military there needs to be an order of rank (if you will). Whenever a woman feels that she outranks her H in the R, I personally think that is when she starts to show little signs of disrespect until it begins to build up to a greater degree. I know this is not a propular concept in our society, and nobody knows how hard that is for me to live by, at times, but it is my spiritual beliefs and I have seen it go very wrong when this is out of order.
Anyway, that is my reasons for suggesting the boundary. You have tried the other route and it didn't change. She does respond whenever you call her out about her bad moods. It would be a 180 if you called her out about "private" computer activity. Remember that Michele says if it isn't working to do something different.
Like I said, you need to make it about your feeling disrespected and not about "trusting her". She will try to turn that around and make it trust issues, but you would need to keep the subject on how you feel and what is difficult for you to live with.
So, enough said from me about that, but I wanted to clear up any misunderstanding I might have caused.
Last edited by sandi2; 02/10/1011:05 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
