Looking for Advice

[rockedworld]

Hi GW,
((hugs)) about the dog.
I can only speak from my sitch because i don't have a ton of experience with all of this. All I know is that I did try setting boundaries before I had evidence and I was told I was wrong/blowing things out of proportion etc. and nothing changed. As a matter of fact, that is when things went more underground. I found out later that's when my H got a secret second cell phone because I was challenging him on all the TM's on his phone. Once I had the evidence and confronted, that is when things moved.
I am not questioning/criticizing anyone else's perspective, but can only share from my own. I just hope it's helpful in some way.
Hope you are doing ok today...

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - right now, I don't want to think about a boundary or not, but my initial inclination is I need evidence...but there is just too much other baggage in the household right now.

I just got caught up on your sitch and wish I had done it sooner. Learned something from you again...I fell back into trying to fix W last night and I'm sure it came across as controlling. I did stop and let go, but probably not soon enough.

I control through fixing things and doing too many acts of kindness and W controls through mood swings and temper. Kind of a screwed up R isn't it. This has got me kind of thinking do I really want to go through with this. My gosh, I can't believe you and Rabbit kept it up for a year.

[Lotus]

GW,

Sorry about the loss of your dog. I know how hard it is, I've had to do it before too.

[gutwrenching]

I've got a lot of thoughts swirling in my brain, lots of reflection, but I want to sit on those thoughts another day or two. Need to focus on the family/dog right now.

But one quick one - W did it again today at work. Seems to be trying to push me to other women. Female worker is talking to a few of us about a trip to Vegas over spring break where she will chaperone a few college students. I then jokingly asked who is going to chaperone you. W immediately says to me that I can go to Vegas and chaperone her. This is same woman that W has made comments to me about before - like "she's your buddy" when we needed to ask her to babysit for us. What is the best way to handle those? Do I ignore (what I did today), do I go along (make W wonder if I'm seriously considering), or do I tell W how childish those kinds of comments are?

[gutwrenching]

Ok - the oddness continues. The difference is I simply don't care right now which is good I think. First of all, W doesn't come home in time for swim lessons...again. Didn't bother me at all, just continued my routine. At one point, W TMs me asking if I am home. I reply with a simple yes, no explanation that we are leaving for swimming, didn't ask her when she was coming home. Turned out all the lights inside and out of the house and took the girls.

Get back from swimming and W looks dejected, but dinner is all made and waiting. I think she is waiting for me to say something or ask a question. I give the DB approved smile and Hi and nothing more; W immediately says "I forgot it was swim lesson night"...I ignore, make sure no body language, no facial expression, no mad look, no words.

After kids go to bed, W goes to basement gets her computer and brings it into the living room where I am watching some TV, reading a little. No hiding something tonight. That's different. Normally it is either no computer at all, or if on the computer, on it alone in a different room.

Later she asks me when is the kids Spring break. I tell her, don't ask why she wants to know. Go back to what I was doing on my laptop. Then W says I am thinking about going to visit my dad for a couple of days. I can't tell if she means all of us or just her, but I don't ask questions. Basically the book she just read (I read it too) impacted her and she wants to visit with her dad for a couple of days (no he doesn't live near OM, but yes that has crossed my mind). So I asked what days during spring break. She says she wants to deconflict with spring break b/c I had mentioned all of us going skiing again...next shock, b/c she literally frowned at the idea when I suggested that a few days ago. Then she says and this is a quote "we certainly won't drive that far south to visit my dad when we leave here this summer"...I made sure no reaction, and just agreed with her.

So - she might be throwing crumbs again, tonight I don't care. I have to learn to make myself happy again, I'm tired of so many "bad days" and I'm sick of caring about what she is thinking. I'm numb tonight...and numb is better than sad, angry, or suspicious. I have spoken very little to her tonight...odd b/c we've been in the same room together a majority of the night.

The dog hasn't been mentioned tonight. I talked to daughter a little about it, but that's been it. Nothing from W. And I couldn't help myself with one devious comment. D8 had field trip today and caught 5 fish...most in her class..I said something about not believing D8 when she sent me the text about her fishing adventures being pretty confident D8 hadn't shared this with W today.

[Lost Rabbit]

Do you know what you have probably done the best thing! I find that when I can no longer cope with the crap being dished out its just better for me to retreat into myself for a bit.. This is a huge 180 for me as before I probably would have blasted off at H, but no I take time out. Usually it brings H to me, rather than me losing it chasing H away from me.

The honest truth is that when we are not affected by either cake eating or crumb throwing we then feel better with our lot, some days we can do it others we cant, so dont beat yourself up about things just accept them for what they are.

At the risk of repeating ourselves over and over again as we all seem to be stuck on this one at the moment is that we cant fix it only they can. Its gonna be hard setting boundaries with her if you dont have an proof of EA but you can set boundaries of what behaviour you will accept her inflicting on you. Be firm with those, you deserve to be treated respectfully and with some semblance of kindness especially infront of the girls.

It is very hard and very wearing but things do get better even if its only from your point of view.

[sandi2]

This is all I'm going to say again about setting a boundary. This is referring to her computer activity at very unusual hours and shutting herself off in a room for privacy. At this point, you don't have any proof of OM, but her activity still comes across as disrespectul to you (if I'm understanding you correctly). Of course, if you don't feel that it does......then it shouldn't bother you.

Any boundary that is set up should not be a control method over your W, but it is telling her what "you" cannot live with. It is about showing "you" respect. If she wants to go deeper undercover with OM, then she'll have to do it away from your house. If she is doing her "work" at home, then she should not have any problem giving you password or keeping the door open so that you can see what she is doing.

If she chooses not to show her H respect by doing what has been stated, then there should be some type of consequence or reaction to that. Only you can decide what type of reaction that would be, but if there is "nothing" then everything will continue as it has been doing and she will disrespect you even more.

As I said before, I believe this is about choices and respect. You are concerned that you come across as controlling whenever you are firm or if you take charge. "Who" makes you feel that way? Many women use that excuse of controlling whenever they want to eat cake. (But, let me quickly add that not all women do and some have legit reasons for calling it controlling.) I'm just talking about your stitch.

I think you are seeing too much "control" issues in the R and perhaps that has to do with military training (I have no idea about that), but taking care of the finances when you are the one who is better qualified should not be seen as controlling. I bet she has her area of responsibility that she handles. I was raised up to believe the man should be the leader of the home. (Of course, if there is no man, then the woman is the leader....needless to say.) I'm not suggesting that the W is in the same position as a child in the home, or anthing like that. I won't get off into all of that b/c I don't have time and I don't think it's necessary. I realize this goes against the grain for a lot of the younger women....and I understand that. I do believe that things need to be equal in making decions, etc., and each partner should be respected as individuals, but just as in the military there needs to be an order of rank (if you will). Whenever a woman feels that she outranks her H in the R, I personally think that is when she starts to show little signs of disrespect until it begins to build up to a greater degree. I know this is not a propular concept in our society, and nobody knows how hard that is for me to live by, at times, but it is my spiritual beliefs and I have seen it go very wrong when this is out of order.

Anyway, that is my reasons for suggesting the boundary. You have tried the other route and it didn't change. She does respond whenever you call her out about her bad moods. It would be a 180 if you called her out about "private" computer activity. Remember that Michele says if it isn't working to do something different.

Like I said, you need to make it about your feeling disrespected and not about "trusting her". She will try to turn that around and make it trust issues, but you would need to keep the subject on how you feel and what is difficult for you to live with.

So, enough said from me about that, but I wanted to clear up any misunderstanding I might have caused.

[gutwrenching]

Rabbit - thanks again and I do want to mention she treats me respectfully in front of the kids. That has only been issue one time and I put a stop to that and she seems very aware of this since. I know its important to her, with her mind being that we will D eventually, she wants us to always get along for the kids sake, she has told me this more than once. I need more days of not caring about cake eating and crumb throwing...need to get to the point where I can drop the rope.

The only part that really I cared about and continue to think about is could she be setting up a rendezvous with OM while visiting her dad. I guess a big sign would be if she stays in her dad's house or in a hotel...

Sandi - I follow your advice and logic clearly, especially now. It really sinks in about being a 180 calling her out on private computer activity, but I still know I would need to be careful here...think thru very carefully what I would say.

Last night - no private computer activity...she was in the same room with me, just a few feet away...so there was no reason last night.

Thanks for the words on the finances. Just wanted to make sure. That is one I have wondered about a lot. W is insecure when it comes to finances, in fact, when she dropped the bomb she told me I had better not throw money/finances in her face to try to scare her into changing her mind.

I'm still looking into the software suggestions that sportsfan mentioned.

[gutwrenching]

Ok - becoming very cautious and maybe cynical. I now auto suspect crumb throwing. W friendly tonight and we actually talked about a few different things tonight.

W is pursuing trip to visit her dad. Cemented tonight when she found out he's been pretty sick for a month. She told me she would stay at their house and then probably take one day/night for herself in San Diego. She again told me things like "we" don't want to deal with visiting him when "we drive out this summer." She said things like if she goes alone that she fills that square for "us" for a couple of years to not have to visit again. She actually opened up just a little in talking about her relationship with him and told me one or two things about the past I'd never heard before.

We hung out in the living room all night after kids went to bed. Her computer was out, but again, not hiding in a room. And we talked back and forth a little bit...not a ton, but much more than the night before.

Not sure what to make of this...so for now, not making anything of it. The fog with the kids has been gone for the last couple of days. The wall with me, still seems to be pretty darn strong.

I am working hard at no pursuing, no cake eating, being more decisive not worrying about what she will think. And working at being happy regardless of what she does/thinks/says. I had a great run today...I was finally able to just zone out and forget about things and had a good run.

[gutwrenching]

Oh and for some of my friends that have been with me thru all this...what do you think I do for valentine's day? We will be skiing and staying in a rental house that night with the kids and even a hot tub. I was initially thinking either (a) nothing or (b) a card without the word wife or love anywhere in it. Thoughts/recommendations?