Hey everybody! - I'm still alive, lol. Thanks so much for checking in on me. I've been trying to find some time to post an update, cause it's pretty lengthy, but am aiming for tomorrow night to take some time out to do it. I've been lurking around a bit and still reading on a lot of you others though. So many people doing such great work and continuing to inspire me, that's for sure!
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Saturday Jan 2nd - After I posted on here, I got all cleaned up and headed out for some shopping. Found some great new clothes and shoes. Definite mood booster!
Sunday Jan 3rd - Was feeling much better. Went to religious services in the afternoon and then up to my parents to visit and then to friends house for dinner. Got home kinda early to prep for my interview the following day.
Monday Jan 4th - Had my interview first thing Monday morning. I think it went well and was told that they would be doing callbacks to schedule for shadowing at the end of this week, beginning of next. (No calls yet, still hoping, we'll see.)
Then went to see IC and had a great session of unloading, another pick-me-up and my PMA was pretty much back in full swing.
Got home around 1:00 in afternoon and H was home for lunch. H avoided all conversation with me and there was apparent tension in the air. I went to bed around 12:50am, left my bedroom door completely open. Woke up at 1:20am and my door had been closed and could hear H was home out in the living/kitchen/office area.
Tuesday Jan 5th – I was in the kitchen after work starting dinner, H got home and came in with same silent treatment attitude going on. I had left a note on taped to the kitchen cabinet a few days before about some money stuff. H pretended like he was reading it for the first time and got all irritated and said something about it, to which I just replied non-combatively, but not friendly either. Five minutes after that H was back to friendly self and the wall was dropped, chatting with me and showing me his new wallet he bought and this and that. I had to get ready for my church meeting and asked H a quick opinion on a part of my outfit (some fishnet stockings) and H was positive in response. Then H left and wasn’t home when I returned from my meeting later on. Noticed that some cleaning supplies were missing and had already concluded that H must be working on getting the new place to wherever he is moving ready (paint supplies had been missing as well). Woke up to my bedroom door closed again letting me know that H had come home.
Wednesday Jan 6th – Didn’t see H. Heard him get home around 11:30, which was earlier than nights before.
Thursday Jan 7th – H got home around 8:30 in the evening. The dryer vent line was clogged and had to be snaked from the roof, so I helped H with this little project. After we finished, we were standing in the kitchen and I could tell from all the previous signs in the week that H was getting ready to move out. So I asked H when he was moving out. H said “starting tonight, I’m moving some things tonight and then tomorrow the rest of it.” I asked him if he was moving in with OW to city where she lives. H said no and explained he was moving in with one of his gym buddies who has a house in the area where my parents live. Emphatically stated that he was not going to live with OW because that’s not what he wants to do right now. Regardless, I knew that I was going to have a hard time watching this go down so I decided to pour myself a strong drink. As I am sipping my drink in the kitchen, H was chit chatting a little bit. I got some liquid courage and decided to open up and say some things on my mind starting with asking H “So…what story are you guys spinning to all of the people you are introducing OW too as to who she is and what she really does?” H looking like deer in headlights “what do you mean?” AFG “Well, what is it that you tell people she does for a job?” H “Umm, that she’s a CNA.” AFG “No, she isn’t, but that’s funny if that’s what you’re telling people.” H “Um, yes she is, do you want me to show you her card?” AFG “Sure H, you can show me her card” as I am laughing and showing that I am ready to call his bluff completely. AFG “We both KNOW what she does and who she is REALLY is. There are no innuendos, implications, or hunches, or guesses here. I am talking cold hard facts and the complete TRUTH of this situation. And if this is how you want to go out of this and leave this situation, then fine, so be it, but I thought that maybe you’d still…” then I paused trying to gather my composure, but the tears started streaming. H “that maybe I’d still what?” AFG “that maybe you’d still show the true person you are and the decent person who still has some integrity left inside of him.”
H broke down all barriers at this point and decided to be the most honest that I can ever remember him ever being before. H admitted to who she is/what she does, said he couldn’t believe that I knew, asked how I had found out, to which I didn’t reveal anything about my information sources. H said that “he’s not ok with her going out and being with other people, it does bother him, but it’s only a temporary situation, she has student loan and other debt to pay off.” So laughable, isn’t that what they all say to justify it??? I just told him that I felt sorry for her that whatever happened in her life to make her feel like she isn’t worthy or good enough of doing something legitimate and honorable in her life. And I also said how dare he get upset with me that I haven’t found a full-time job yet and I already have a real job even though it’s part-time and it was at his beckoning that I took it in the first place and I was in school also at the time and yet, now him being with someone who is doing this and that’s ok for her to do as a job?!?!? And that I felt sorry for him that he doesn’t think more of himself, that this is all that he deserves, someone who goes out during the week and f’s other guys for a living and then he gets to have her on the weekends.
He also wanted to know what I had thought of her. I told him I was going to offend him completely if I told him. He said he wanted to hear it. AFG “My very first thought when I saw her was “how much is he paying her” and my second thought was “he really thinks that little of himself”.” H “You didn’t think she was pretty?” AFG “No, she looked worked over and worn out and just trashy. Believe me, the image I had conjured up in my head was soooo not that and I would have readily admitted to what I thought she was going to be.” H “Yes, I know you would’ve been honest if you thought she was hot.”
And then at this point I am crying through pretty much all of this and then I walk over to H and put my arms around him and he puts his arms around me and he just starts holding me and I just start sobbing. Then I look up at him, right in the eyes and just said to him that this isn’t me just drunk and saying all of this stuff and now hugging him, but this is me just trying to say good-bye. Then he looks at me and says “I just want you to know that you still do it for me, this wasn’t ever about that. You still turn me on and I’m still attracted to you and it’s been really hard through these months seeing you when you look really pretty and especially when you’re boobs are showing (meaning cleavage). And I did think you were seeing someone else a while back.” I just acknowledged that I thought he was thinking that as well and that I’ve met a lot of new people and have been having a lot of fun getting out and doing things with people again. H asked if it had been hard for me seeing him losing weight and getting sexy again through the months and I said that it had been and that I had basically had to chain myself to my bed most of the time. H then initiated an apology again for bringing OW to our house and said that he didn’t mean to hurt me. (My walls and guards still up in regards to that incident, but I let him say his peace.)
We then broke away and H started to walk away towards his room to start packing and leaving. I started crying and grabbed his hand again and told him I needed just a little bit more time and pulled him towards the couch with me. H came over and sat down with me and I had my legs laying across his lap with my head on his chest. I was holding him and he started to hold me and then stopped. I looked at him and said “I know that I’m touching you and you’re not touching me, and I get it, I know why.” H “I’m just trying not to make the same mistakes in this relationship that I made in ours.” AFG “Ok, I don’t want you to do that either. I will get up and walk away right now.” H pulled me back and said “I just never thought it would be you that I’m saying that too. How F’d up is that?” and then started bawling. We just sat there hugging and crying and I also told him that I still loved him and that I wish nothing but the best for his life. During all this time the CD player had been playing music and this song by Snow Patrol called Run came on and we both just looked at each other and then held each other silently listening to that song and I can’t remember ever crying so much in my life. And after the song ended we both got up and I went to my room and he went and started packing his stuff.
A little later I had to get up and go get something and I saw him in the hallway filling a box with his things and tears streaming down his face. I went to bed and later on I heard him come and close my door. Then I heard him leave. I thought he was gone and going to stay the night at his new place because he had already taken his bed apart. But when I woke up at 4 in the morning to get up and go get a drink in the kitchen, he was asleep on the couch in the living room.
Friday Jan 8th – I pretty much cried non-stop the entire day at work. Got home and decided I had to leave and get out of the house for the evening. Didn’t want to be in the house anymore with him while he was moving out. So, I start getting ready and heard him get home. Heard someone else with him helping him load up the rest of the things he was taking. I went out when I finished getting ready and had the best friendly appearance I could muster given the circumstances. Although, I did look smoking hot! Black short sleeve Gucci cashmere sweater with deep-v cleavage plunge and jeans and black patent open work/open toe 4 inch heels. H did a double take when I went out to the garage. Then excused himself from his friend who was helping him and followed me back into the house. Told me I looked really nice and then we just briefly conversed on some logistics stuff. Then he left and I went out to dinner with friends. Had to text message him a little later about needing some money and he responded immediately and obliged my request.
Saturday Jan 9th – I went to one of my best friends baby shower and then had a girls after-party dinner out in the evening. Got home and could tell that H had stopped by to pick up most of the rest of his stuff. Only had surfboards and a few other personal items left, but H was officially moved out. Sunday Jan 10th – I went to my religious meeting. Stayed home and did laundry and paperwork stuff for the rest of the afternoon/evening. Texted H about dryer still not working and would need his help with it. H responded back that he would come by tomorrow night after the gym.
Monday Jan 11th – H came over around 9:00. Helped fix the dryer. Then had brought his brand new laptop and asked me to help him set up a few things on it, which I did. H ate the leftovers from the dinner I had made and we were forced to interact and talk to each other for the evening. It got late and I was ready to go to bed and he left. All pleasant enough despite the circumstances. I had asked him to bring a list of some items that he had taken back and he said he could do so the next evening.
Tuesday Jan 12th – H never showed, called, or texted. Sent H this text at 10:44p.m. “When you agree to do something (bringing the items on the list I gave u last night to me today) and then I hear nothing from u & have to assume that u are not bringing them, I feel irritated and annoyed that my time, plans, and schedule is not considered just as valuable or important as yours, and it also makes me frustrated that I can’t depend on u 2 do something when u say u will do it and/or the courtesy of a notification from u of a change in ur plans. I want to schedule with u for tomorrow or Thursday to bring them by. If that won’t work for u, let me know, and I will take some money to go buy some replacements.”
Wednesday Jan 13th – Text from H at 10:50a.m. “Sorry for not calling to reschedule with you yesterday. Have a lot going on @ work and it just slipped my mind. Do not pull any money from my account. I will bring some of the things on your list tonight, but its probably going to be late, like after 8:00.” Text from AFG to H at 11:52a.m. “I appreciate your apology – tonight will be fine. You mentioned the possibility of using a dolly from work, that would be helpful as well if u’re able to get it – if not , no prob.”
I met with my lawyer who said he would be filing the paperwork by the end of the week and H would be served next week.
Text from H at 5:08 p.m. “may need to just bring everything over tmrw. Super busy today.” Text from AFG to H at 5:23 p.m. “Ok, but will definitely need by tomorrow – thx.”
Thursday Jan 14th – Got a text from H at 8:48pm “I am still coming…” and I responded “Ok.” H showed up around 10:00 all irritated. When I asked why I felt he was on the attack mode he huffily stated that he had to go out of his way to bring this stuff back to me and that I could have offered to meet him halfway and that he didn’t appreciate the text he got from me on Tuesday, etc. I just stayed calm and told him he could have suggested for me to meet him and that yes, it made me feel like my time wasn’t as worthwhile as his when he decided not to communicate any change in plans to me.
H then asks me for one of the vacuum cleaners and I had a hard time deciding which one I wanted to give up and while in mid-thought of trying to figure out which one would be better for me to keep H gets extremely upset and storms out of the house and peels his truck out of the driveway. Then I get a text from him a few minutes later “I hope all these material possessions bring you all the happiness in the world.” Before I could even respond he starts calling my phone. I pick up after a couple of times and calmly explain that I had no problems letting him take one of the vacuums, I was simply trying to decide which one would be better for me to keep since we have a lot of both carpet and tile and each vacuum was used specifically for one of those. H calmed down and ended the call more civilly.
Friday Jan 15th – Just needed some down time and stayed home. I did text H just some information on some money I was taking out of the account. Never received a response to it.
Saturday Jan 16th – Went and ran errands and did some shopping in the afternoon and evening.
Sunday Jan 17th – Had a religious assembly all day out of town with family and friends. Afterwards I met up with my best friend in (city) and went to dinner and spent the night with her at the hotel she was staying at for a work conference she was attending.
Monday Jan 18th – Went to IC in the morning. I texted H about cable/internet bill being past due and ready to be disconnected if he didn’t pay it within next day or two. H called and said he would take care of it.
Tuesday Jan 19th – All hell broke loose. I was at work and around lunchtime H started blowing my phone up. Left a voicemail saying that he was thankful for the heads up on the papers being served to him and that I was a liar because I told him it wasn’t going to be done at his work and just a whole barrage of crap about the wording in the documents and on and on. So I called him back when I got a chance, because I had no idea when/how the papers were going to be served to him except for what my lawyer had told me and I had given him that info the week before when he had asked me that it was going to be this coming week. I tried to explain this and that the wording was legal terminology but he just went on and on about how he is NOT paying alimony and he will get the best lawyer around and he doesn’t care how much money it costs to fight me on that and blah, blah, blah. Then hangs up on me. Then texts me and brings up some very offensive, slanderous stuff from 10 years ago and brings up all the old history of money and debt stuff that I did. Tells me he’s coming to the house tonight to come and get the rest of his stuff. I remained calm throughout all of this.
About 6:00 H shows up at the house and gets the remainder of his stuff packed. Tells me that he hopes all the stuff in the house makes me happy and to lose his number, delete it from my phone and never call him again because he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me ever again. Also asks me to meet him at the bank tomorrow afternoon to close out the joint account so he can get his own account, which I agree to do. Also explain that the other bills will still need to be paid despite him doing this, and he gets even madder. I go on to explain that if he should stop paying them, then he can expect another summons. H “Is that a threat? You’re threatening to take me to court now?” AFG “No, this is not a threat. You asked for advance notice on these things and I am just trying to give you fair warning of what will happen should you choose to stop making the payments.” Then H leaves the house and texts me “Its painfully obvious to me now more than ever just exactly what I am and have been to you through out this whole relationship. A CHECKBOOK AND NOTHING ELSE.” Also asked me to have the cd’s separated (that was all that remained at the house of his) to bring to the bank with me tomorrow.
Wednesday Jan 20th – Met H at the bank around 1:00. We walk in not talking and with extremely tense body language between both of us. Have to sit directly across from each other in the waiting area and we are each trying to ignore each other, not look at each other and preoccupy ourselves with our cell phones. Finally a CSR brings us over to help us and we start taking my name off of the account to leave just him on it and then I already had my own account. Well, she asks if I wanted to switch to this new debit card that has a rewards program, which would have been very beneficial for me since that’s all I use to pay for everything, but it costs an annual fee of $25.00. On the extremely limited budget that I’m on, I explained that because of the divorce and my budget there was just no way I could swing the $25.00 right now, but as soon as I can I will sign up for it. She says ok and continues on with the processing of H’s info now on the old account and getting that set up. Then offers him the same thing to which H says “Sure, why not.” I didn’t say a word. The bank woman finishes that up and then comes back to me to finalize and says one more time to me “Are you sure you don’t want the rewards card?” I explain again that I will be doing it just as soon as I can come up with the extra $25.00. Bank woman turns and looks at H and says “Now, you see, that should be part of your divorce settlement that you pay for her $25.00 so she can sign up for it.” I just did a little nervous laugh and said “Yeah, I know, well the lawyer is handling that”, as this was getting extremely uncomfortable and awkward now and I know she was just trying to make light of the situation, but I had already had to fight off the tears a couple of times during this whole encounter.
So bank woman gets up to go get something off of the printer and H turns and looks at me and says in an undertone “You just had to say something didn’t you?” I just looked at him completely dumbfounded and said “What are you talking about ?” H “You just had to make a comment about the lawyer. What are you gloating now?” At this point I thought I was either going to slap the s+++ out of him or get up and walk out. AFG “Gloating? Are you kidding me?” and tears are starting to well up in my eyes. I turn to look away and have my stuff ready to bolt out of there now. Bank lady comes back and says we are done and I say a quick thank you, and start practically running to get out of that place with H right behind me hot on my heels. H comes over to my car and I had him the cd’s he had requested and then get in my car very flustered and crying and leave.
Ten minutes later I get a text from H “I don’t want to argue with you on any of this crap anymore. I will keep my cool and not be confrontational with you from here on out. Im sorry.” I ignored it while crying pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
Around 5:30 I get a couple of phone calls from H and a voicemail with him in an apologetic tone saying that he just has some things to say to me and if I could please call him back.
Text from H around 8:00 “I’ll take that as a no on the call back?”
I text H back “No, I think you’ve said enough & I’ve heard enough from u since yesterday & I don’t think there is much else for u to say or for me to hear from u at this point.”
H texts “Im not looking to argue or berate you @ all (AFG), just need to tell you a few things. I just want to clear the air between us. Believe it or not it does matter to me.”
I call H about an hour and a half later. H says “First, thank you for calling me.” Then goes on to say he’s sorry he got so out of hand over the last two days with everything. He just took it all way too personally instead of realizing it’s just a legal process we have to go through and he doesn’t want it to be ugly like this between us. He does still care and it kills him to see me cry. Basically the gist of it. I just listened and then thanked him for his apology. Then said I just have a slight problem that he had had such a change of heart in such a short time period and that I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t that he was just trying to save his ass now. H emphatically denied this and the call pretty much ended on an evened out tone again.
Thursday Jan 21st – No contact with H.
Friday Jan 22nd – I texted H about my car needing some fixes. H called me and said to bring it to him on Monday around 5:00. Just stayed home for the evening. Needed another veg-out session.
Saturday Jan 23rd – (Service.) Stayed home, more vegging.
Sunday Jan 24th – Religious meeting. More relaxing.
Monday Jan 25th – Went to H’s work around 5:00. I looked smoking hot if I do say so myself! H asked if I could give him about 10 minutes to finish up what he was doing. I said sure and went over and said Hello and started talking to one of the other guys he works with. It almost seemed like I had some sort of magnetic power from that point on though because like 4 other guys all started coming out and coming over to say hello too now and I was definitely in flirty/friendly mode and I can see H from over across the room watching out of the corner of his eye and then finally come over to get me to go and take him for a test drive in my car.
Well, we leave to go for the test drive and I’m thinking he is going to just have me run up the street and back, like normal. But instead, he has me drive around this huge loop like a 15-20 minute ride together. During which he tells me about talking to his mom on the phone over the weekend. (Their first convo in months.) And I can tell he is still angry with her and about it because he has an attitude while talking about it. I just told him I don’t have anything to say about it, that it’s solely between him and her.
Then back at the shop, H is showing me what is going on with the car here and there. Then looks at me and says “So are we still under the don’t ask, don’t tell policy?” I look at him questioningly “What does that mean?” H “I’m just trying to find out what it is that you’re wanting out of all of this, what to expect.” AFG “That’s not for me to say right now. We need to let the lawyers handle that and it will come in time when it’s supposed to.” Then H stops what he’s doing and looks at me and says “All things considered, is this what you really want to happen still?” (meaning the divorce). I about lost it right there because this is the first reconciliation statement he has made throughout any of this. I just said “You can’t ask me that right now. I can’t talk about that right now. Right now is not the time for this.” And tears started welling up and he said “Ok, ok, we don’t have to talk about that right now then.” Then I said I had plans and I needed to get going. H looked disappointed and confused and scared and lost, some of the realness starting to come through on him finally.
So I left and went home and had a girls night with two of my best friends who came to spend the night.
Tuesday Jan 26th – Religious meeting. Text from H that he didn’t get a chance to talk to mechanic but would get with him tomorrow.
Wednesday Jan 27th – Didn’t hear anything from H.
Thursday Jan 28th – I had a catsitting job that I would be doing until Sunday. I texted H that I’d like him to bring his W2 to the house on his lunch tomorrow and bring back a couple of the beach towels that I still hadn’t got back from him.
Friday Jan 29th – Got a call from H that he wasn’t going to be able to bring W2 to the house. I asked if he could just fax to me and he said yes. Never got the fax and later he texted saying that he wasn’t able to get it faxed but that he would bring it to the house tomorrow.
Saturday Jan 30th – Went to a memorial service in the afternoon for an older person I knew. Then went to (city) with friends shopping and out to dinner. Coincidentally ran into H’s nephew (who worked at the restaurant we were at as a server) whom I hadn’t seen in many, many years, but that H had told me he had hung out with on his trips to (city) many months ago. Sunday Jan 31st – Finished catsitting job. Religious meeting. H stopped by early evening to drop off W2. Was only here for a few minutes but had slammed his finger in his truck door after he pulled into the driveway. (Nerves?) Asked me for ice pack and kinda wanted to be babied a little bit about it. Don’t know if OW was in truck waiting but H looked like he was on his way somewhere. Had to call H about the rent check a little later for a couple minute phone call.
Monday Feb 1st – Appointment with IC. H called me around lunchtime for what seemed like was an excuse just to call because I can’t even remember what it was really about. Then H and I texted back and forth about getting the rent check to the property manager to which I agreed to go pick up from H at his work tomorrow morning. Had a girls night at my place with pizza and salad and wine and watching The Bachelor. Super fun and 3 of my best friends spent the night.
Tuesday Feb 2nd – Met H at his work in the morning to get rent check from him and drop off his mail to him. H called me around lunchtime and said he just wanted to let me know that he wasn’t dragging his heels as far as getting his response filed for the D paperwork, but that he had an appt to see a lawyer the next day. I told him that I understood and I appreciated him letting me know that. Religious meeting in the evening. H texted me around 8:30 “You recording Lost tonight?” I responded that I definitely was. H texted back “You mind saving it for me? I have no dvr and im still @ work.” And also some info about getting the other vacuum that he took back to me cause I asked to borrow it and that he would drop them off tomorrow. I replied that that was ok and I wouldn’t erase the show.
Wednesday Feb 3rd – My youngest brother came over for a while and hung out with me. H dropped off the vacuum in the garage but never came in or called to let me know he was here. Just got a text from him afterwards “I need that vacuum back asap as it is the only one I have.” And I didn’t respond. Made me feel like there had been another shift in his mood going from last night to this.
Thursday Feb 4th – I texted H in the morning “Thanks for dropping off the vacuum – appreciate it” H texted back “I need it back asap.” AFG “Ok, no prob.” Yet again, seemed to confirm another moodshift of his or another round of animosity coming up on the horizon. I grocery shopped for party supplies for the weekend.
Friday Feb 5th – No contact with H. I prepared food for a party I was having at my house on Saturday night.
Saturday Feb 6th – (Service.) No contact from H. H’s parents came and dropped off a folding table of theirs for me to use and got to see our place finally. They absolutely loved it and H’s mom said “So, this is what he gave up? All I can say is Idiot.” Finished prepping for my party. It was a pong and poker party with like 18 people who came. Here was the menu and I made everything myself fresh, from scratch: Tarragon Chicken Salad Sandwiches w/Mesclun mix Cubanito Sandwiches Turkey Club Sandwiches w/Avocado Ranch sauce Corn Chowder Spinach & Artichoke Dip Dilled Deviled Eggs Carrots & Celery with Ranch-Bleu Dip Mini Coconut Cupcakes Brownie Bites
It was DELISH!!! And everyone had a great time playing poker and hanging out.
Sunday Feb 7th – No contact from H. Religious meeting. Superbowl party at friends house. Then drove down to a restaurant and met up with a couple more friends to watch last half of Superbowl and then stopped by another friends to hang out for a little while after that. Very busy day!
Monday Feb 8th – Appt at lawyers office. Lawyer said that he had been contacted by another lawyer that H had hired. My lawyer said that he likes H’s lawyer and that he and H’s lawyer are working on another case together right now as well. So that was good news at least. Said things should go fairly quickly from this point as soon as we get our financial disclosures filled out and back to them asap. So I’m working on trying to get that done. Text from H around 5:30 “I need the vac back.” I texted back around 11:00 “Ok – I can bring it back to u on Wednesday”. No response back.
Tuesday Feb 9th – I texted H “Need to schedule with u for my car – am over 100k miles now”. He texted back almost immediately “Late tmrw night? Like 9:00?” I said that that would work. Religious meeting in the evening.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
That's a long update AFG! Read all of it. You sound good, and the tears will flow for a while. Let them. Its part of the healing process. I'm glad you're keeping busy and getting a life. Take some time now to really enjoy yourself.
I can tell you this: "YOU DID THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU."
I hope you stick around. You have a lot to offer others here -- even though I know you don't think so.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Now I have 80% of our assets, 1/3 of his after tax income per month and health/dental/vision for the next three years along with all my legal fees paid and I kept the apartment and all our possessions
I knew there was a reason why I swore I'd never get married again, lol.
