My W and I have been together for a total of 9 years (dated for 5 and married for 4). We met when she was 19 and I was 23. I had a career in the failing mortgage industry before we married and she suggested that if/when we got married we could move to CA so I could go to back to school and she would work. So 6 months after we married we took a leap of faith and moved to CA from FL.
The back story: The school I'm going to is very prestigious/ tough to get into/ expsensive. Its a design school so I had to develop a portfolio to get in. After moving here she became very distraught because she was unhappy with her job and missed our friends and family (more importantly her widowed mother). She wanted to move back but I pressed her to stay here and carry out what we moved here to do.
I began going to the college's public night program to develop my skills and portfolio. After about a year of this, I applied and did not get accepted. I developed anxiety and deppression. I felt guilty for dragging her out here and failing. Again she wanted to move back to FL but I begged her to press on and allow me another chance since we had sacrificed so much to get here. The college suggeted I go to the local city college here to further develop myself and my portfolio as it is a "feeder" for the college I was trying to get into.
After finishing at the city college I began to develop my new portfolio. She gave me an ultimatum in that if I didn't get accepted this time she wanted us to move back or for me to do something else (she even threatened to leave me then if I didn't "show her light at the end of the tunnel"). I applied again got accepted and received some scholarship money.
It took me a total of about three years to get accepted to the college. I feel like my depression held me back from making progress faster. I took meds but never really saw a therapist. My W's main problem during a lot of this time is she worked and I didn't. I had an electrician friend that I worked for on and off but never steady job. She would push me to go get a job but I always felt it was more important for me to focus on getting into school - big mistake.
Where we are at now: I started school in Sept '09 and and my first term required that I work 80-140 hours per week (which means I had little time to sleep much less spend with her). She went on a weekend cruise with her girlfriends in Nov '09. When she came back she was very distant. The Friday after she came back she told me she wanted to separate, possibly divorce, and she wanted me to move out. I panicked and felt blindsided. At the top of her laundry list of reasons was that I didn't have a consistant job while getting into school, she wanted to start a family and didn't think she could wait for me to get out of school, she had already been to school and didn't want to be at this stage with me in her life... We talked and she said she wanted to "temporarily" separate and refused counseling. She suggested I go back to FL to visit my family for the holidays while she tried to figure things out.
I went to FL and when I came back she was sure she wanted me to move out and would not accept me even staying in the spare bedroom. She then said the temporary separation was beginning to feel more like a easy let down. No matter how hard I tried she simply wanted me out. She said she loved me but was not "in love with me" anymore. She would still be affectionate to me though?! To please her I moved out in Jan '10.
She turned 29 in Dec '09. She went out and bought a new cell phone and changed my plan to be separate. I thought it was odd but I went along to not rock the boat. I checked our cell account a few days after I moved out recently to find out what my minutes were. I looked at our Nov and Dec '09 bill and began to see page after page of text messages and phone calls between her and another number. There would be 20-30 texts a day from sometimes 6am or 9am to 11pm to 3am!
I did a reverse number look up and found out the name of the guy. I asked her about him and she played dumb then she told me he was a friend she chose not to tell me about. At first she said they met during a training class at work then she confessed she met him on the cruise in Nov. She said he made a pass at her on the cruise and she accepted. She says they "made out" and would have done more but her friends pulled her away. She said that she wanted to be with him and we had no chance at getting back together. She made the first call to him the Wed after being back from the cruise. She talked to him almost all day before I came home the Friday that she told me she wanted to separate - then after we talked for a while she left the house to go get more wine and called him while she was gone!
I accepted this at first. Then I read a couple of books (Save the Marriage, The Magic of Making Up). I learned about emotional affairs. I wanted an opportunity to change and she said she had given me too many opportunities and was "done." I ask her to hold off on the divorce though and she agreed. Then, she said she was beginning to feel pressured though and wanted to not talk everyday. After not really talking to her for about 2 weeks we talked this past Friday and she says she still wants a divorce.
I love her more than anything, I see my errors and I see this as an opportunity to turn our marriage around and improve it 100 fold. I have ordered a copy of The Divorce Remedy - BUT AM I TOO LATE? I feel like any day now I could get served. Please give me any advice you can - I would rather die than loose her for the rest of my life.
Me- 32 WAW? - 29 No kids
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
I guess I should mention that I think the guy she has been talking to is married - I think. I have dug around some on the web and found him and his wife's name, but I cannot tell if he and his wife are still together or not.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
Well you came to the right place. We are all in some version of the same boat.
When Divorce remedy gets here, read it. Then read it again.
To summarize:
You moved out to Cali to pursue the art thing and she thought she could support you while you did it, but realized she could not. Now she has found someone who is attractive to her (because she has not supported him for the past 3 years) and she wants to bail. You want her back, but (from your telling) the main thing that drove you apart was you neglecting her for your studies.
Do you want to begin neglecting your studies for her? Do you want to give up your dream of a new career to chase her? How will you feel if you drop out of school, give up on your dream, and then have to work a job you don't want just to have her?
Things to think about.
In the meantime, distance yourself from her and quit chasing. Figure out the things about yourself that need to change to make you better (not for her). She agreed to hold off on the divorce, then told you she felt pressured. Listen to her. You will have to decide where your boundaries are with the other guy.
Others will be around soon to offer plenty of advice. Read.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
If he is married, consider outing him to his spouse. If they are still together, then it will really piss your wife off; but it will probably go a long way to busting the affair.
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
Thank you for your reply Ozymandias. At this point I would quit school completely for her, work a normal job, and start a family with her no prob. I am taking a lite term this term in order to get a part-time job and go to IC.
I have lost my passion for school. In fact, it almost makes me sick going there because I know when I leave I can't go home to be with her. I wanted to go to this school and have a career that would help make a better future for "us." Without her it seems pointless almost and our marriage is worth so much more than going to school/new career.
I feel guilty for neglecting her and driving her to find someone else - like I have failed her and us because of my own ignorance.
I agree I need to stop chasing her and I have tried. My fear is that NC = more neglect? I will read Divorce Remedy for sure.
We are supposed to meet for coffee tomorrow. She wants to give me my mail and she says we have alot to talk about. I'm hoping that doesn't include handing me the divorce papers.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
I don't think she can give you D papers. I think you have to be served by somebody from L's office. So put that worry aside for now.
As for the other stuff, when I first got here, this is one of the most valuable bits of advice that I got.
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.
Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control - YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you - HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
Now, take a deep breath. Other folks will come along to help you soon enough.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I have not been able to confirm for sure that OM is married. I have been searching for a way to confirm. I think I have found OM and OMW on Facebook, but I searched their names and found they have different addresses. I've thought about rolling the dice and trying to contact OMW anyhow. What boundaries can I set with him - what does that mean?
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
That list really helped me alot in the early days of my situation. Some of them I had already started doing intuitively, and some I hadn't. Regardless, I read that list many times a day, every single day during the month of total NC w/H. It helped.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
