I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

My W and I have been together for a total of 9 years (dated for 5 and married for 4). We met when she was 19 and I was 23. I had a career in the failing mortgage industry before we married and she suggested that if/when we got married we could move to CA so I could go to back to school and she would work. So 6 months after we married we took a leap of faith and moved to CA from FL.

The back story:
The school I'm going to is very prestigious/ tough to get into/ expsensive. Its a design school so I had to develop a portfolio to get in. After moving here she became very distraught because she was unhappy with her job and missed our friends and family (more importantly her widowed mother). She wanted to move back but I pressed her to stay here and carry out what we moved here to do.

I began going to the college's public night program to develop my skills and portfolio. After about a year of this, I applied and did not get accepted. I developed anxiety and deppression. I felt guilty for dragging her out here and failing. Again she wanted to move back to FL but I begged her to press on and allow me another chance since we had sacrificed so much to get here. The college suggeted I go to the local city college here to further develop myself and my portfolio as it is a "feeder" for the college I was trying to get into.

After finishing at the city college I began to develop my new portfolio. She gave me an ultimatum in that if I didn't get accepted this time she wanted us to move back or for me to do something else (she even threatened to leave me then if I didn't "show her light at the end of the tunnel"). I applied again got accepted and received some scholarship money.

It took me a total of about three years to get accepted to the college. I feel like my depression held me back from making progress faster. I took meds but never really saw a therapist. My W's main problem during a lot of this time is she worked and I didn't. I had an electrician friend that I worked for on and off but never steady job. She would push me to go get a job but I always felt it was more important for me to focus on getting into school - big mistake.

Where we are at now:
I started school in Sept '09 and and my first term required that I work 80-140 hours per week (which means I had little time to sleep much less spend with her). She went on a weekend cruise with her girlfriends in Nov '09. When she came back she was very distant. The Friday after she came back she told me she wanted to separate, possibly divorce, and she wanted me to move out. I panicked and felt blindsided. At the top of her laundry list of reasons was that I didn't have a consistant job while getting into school, she wanted to start a family and didn't think she could wait for me to get out of school, she had already been to school and didn't want to be at this stage with me in her life... We talked and she said she wanted to "temporarily" separate and refused counseling. She suggested I go back to FL to visit my family for the holidays while she tried to figure things out.

I went to FL and when I came back she was sure she wanted me to move out and would not accept me even staying in the spare bedroom. She then said the temporary separation was beginning to feel more like a easy let down. No matter how hard I tried she simply wanted me out. She said she loved me but was not "in love with me" anymore. She would still be affectionate to me though?! To please her I moved out in Jan '10.

She turned 29 in Dec '09. She went out and bought a new cell phone and changed my plan to be separate. I thought it was odd but I went along to not rock the boat. I checked our cell account a few days after I moved out recently to find out what my minutes were. I looked at our Nov and Dec '09 bill and began to see page after page of text messages and phone calls between her and another number. There would be 20-30 texts a day from sometimes 6am or 9am to 11pm to 3am!

I did a reverse number look up and found out the name of the guy. I asked her about him and she played dumb then she told me he was a friend she chose not to tell me about. At first she said they met during a training class at work then she confessed she met him on the cruise in Nov. She said he made a pass at her on the cruise and she accepted. She says they "made out" and would have done more but her friends pulled her away. She said that she wanted to be with him and we had no chance at getting back together. She made the first call to him the Wed after being back from the cruise. She talked to him almost all day before I came home the Friday that she told me she wanted to separate - then after we talked for a while she left the house to go get more wine and called him while she was gone!

I accepted this at first. Then I read a couple of books (Save the Marriage, The Magic of Making Up). I learned about emotional affairs. I wanted an opportunity to change and she said she had given me too many opportunities and was "done." I ask her to hold off on the divorce though and she agreed. Then, she said she was beginning to feel pressured though and wanted to not talk everyday. After not really talking to her for about 2 weeks we talked this past Friday and she says she still wants a divorce.

I love her more than anything, I see my errors and I see this as an opportunity to turn our marriage around and improve it 100 fold. I have ordered a copy of The Divorce Remedy - BUT AM I TOO LATE? I feel like any day now I could get served. Please give me any advice you can - I would rather die than loose her for the rest of my life.

Me- 32
WAW? - 29
No kids