It's not the reacting that's turning her off. It's HOW you are reacting.
We all made the mistake of begging, pleading, etc. Hell it's just natural. But once you compose yourself, you start to realize that YOU are the one who is worth it, not the WAS.
You are the one who chooses to do the hard work and be faithful (in your case). Anyone can say, screw this and take off like your WAS, but the real men are the ones who are willing to work it out.
You have to keep making the same mistakes and setting yourself up to fail. For example, you say your W has anger problems, yet you kept pushing her buttons. If you know that a hornet's nest is bad news, you don't go poking it with a stick. It's not being a wuss or avoiding something, it's choosing not to do something you don't want to do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think I can understand a morsel of what your ex must be feeling. You're presenting yourself as a most unattractive person to have any contact or communication with. And I'm actually in your corner to start with.
My post above this one kinds of hits on my frustration at this. She lost attraction for me...and her leaving has caused me to be even less attractive. But the catch is...even if I pull myself up to act as stable and un-needy as I was before the bomb was dropped that's the guy she left...and then theres still the OM.
So I have to become even better than any of that. I dont even know what kind of guy that is. If I am to set a goal to be that kind of strong/masculine guy...I have to know what I'm shooting for.
Are there any ladies here who can give examples of traits of the attractive strong guy that seems to be what women are looking for?
Sigh...I was just watching LOST and they were doing an ultrasound of a baby...made me kinda sad as I thought back on my ex and I at her Dr's appointments when she was pregnant with our daughter.
It was a very happy time...but in the scope of things its a hard memory to have right now.
Just my observation but you seem to have a low self esteem. Maybe try working on that. If you don't like yourself then how can your W be expected to? I think this is what many people have told you, just do it! Try to stay strong even at your weakest moments.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I think I can understand a morsel of what your ex must be feeling. You're presenting yourself as a most unattractive person to have any contact or communication with. And I'm actually in your corner to start with.
My post above this one kinds of hits on my frustration at this. She lost attraction for me...and her leaving has caused me to be even less attractive. But the catch is...even if I pull myself up to act as stable and un-needy as I was before the bomb was dropped that's the guy she left...and then theres still the OM.
So I have to become even better than any of that. I dont even know what kind of guy that is. If I am to set a goal to be that kind of strong/masculine guy...I have to know what I'm shooting for.
Are there any ladies here who can give examples of traits of the attractive strong guy that seems to be what women are looking for?
You might want to pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy"...that will probably give you a good indication of what you need to be striving for...
Bravo, CityGirl! Every damn word spot-on! Standing O!
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
You know what makes me damn mad?
It seems everybody who comes here refuses to listen. When the bomb is dropped early on the steps you take immediately following the bomb are perhaps the most crucial and critical ones for both YOU as an INDIVIDUAL and the outcome of your R.
Yes, we all get it loud and clear. When the bomb first drops you are in an utter state of shock, fear and 80 million other emotions that are spinning around in your mind. That is *exactly* why any of us turned to a source such as this. To get guidance from people who have experienced the SAME DAMN THING.
But they don't listen. And things get worse and worse and often times beyond repair. Just like you, I knew better than ANYBODY and it took me a long time to listen. Then it was too late.
Do you think the people that have gone through this, some of us for TWO PLUS YEARS post here because we have nothing better to do? That we get our kicks from giving off bad advice and sharing horrible experiences just for the hell of it?
I am sorry but I think it stinks. You have NO IDEA the pain one feels when their marriage ends and they look back and realize that things could have been different had they actually put the effort in to doing what thousands of people have done that helped.
I learn from this site EVERY DAY. I am inspired EVERY DAY. I try and offer my experience or insight if I think it might help EVERY DAY. I also get very frustrated when new people just don't think we know what the hell we are talking about.
I am terribly sorry for this rant but lately this has really been upsetting me and I care about this forum and the people on it way too much to keep quiet any longer.
Sorry.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I don't pretend to be anything I am not. I am a woman who has endured my fair share and in turn, I have learned an awful lot.
Maybe I can help, maybe not. But if I can help somebody avoid the 50 bazillion mistakes I made, well, I am going to put it out there.
I don't have "vet" status nor any sort of credentials other than saying I have had the experience. That is it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Change "woman" to "Man" and add that I got divorced this morning, and this could still be my post, my words
Unfortunately, I found DB over 7 months post-Bomb and post-MY bazillion mistakes.
But I have learned so, very much here, have had my sanity, emotional state and sense of hope and self-worth and dignity restored time and time again by you good-hearted "strangers" and was steered clear of many roadblocks I was hell-bent on driving right through.
"Maybe I can help, maybe not" I agree with you, here, too.
But I won't stop trying (except, frankly in the case of those who totally ignore and disregard well-intentioned, quality, time-consuming advice given straight from the heart).
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
"Experienced" posters, I hope that what Britt wrote below helps with understanding how your advice can be helpful even when a newbie appears to be foolishly not following it (emphasis mine):
Originally Posted By: britt54
Puppy, thank you so much for the encouragement! I will be forever grateful for all your help as well. You may not think you helped as half the time if not more, I did not follow through on your advice. But even though I didn’t follow through THEN, I eventually did. It was still nice to come on here and hear your words of encouragement and advice. Its nice to know someone is always trying to help you. And your words stick in my mind.
nsw, I hope the advice that you have received is sinking in somehow.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
