#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

rr thank you so much for sharing your process. It really helps me to understand the role that self-examination can play in the current and future stage of things. It sounds like overall it has been positive for you to express your remorse over your contribution to the problems.

Cyrena, thanks for visiting my thread.

As Kalni said, the LBS tend to go through a stage where they do recognize all their faults in the marriage, and want to confess them to their spouse. It feels as though it would be a kind of emotional housecleaning. I remember doing it myself, to some degree, and just want to caution that you'll probably get little or no reaction, and certainly no positive feedback.

Yes, "emotional housecleaning" is an excellent way to describe what I want to do. And I wouldn't be expecting a positive reaction in H...I see it more as planting a seed that introduces a grain of doubt when he wants to say to himself "she doesn't understand me, she never even heard me, she thinks she's right and I'm wrong", etc.

I'd suggest, instead, writing a long letter to yourself that you then keep (so that you can refer back to how you felt in this moment of clarity), and then work on changing all of these controlling behaviours.

As we say about the WAS, "actions speak louder than words." Similarly, your H is going to notice and react to changes in your behaviour, when you start treating him as a friend would instead of a mother, and that can only be positive whether you reunite or co-parent. As you act differently, it will affect your relationships with others as well, which will make you feel positive about yourself.

Yes, the how to improve your R... book talks about how men look for actions, not words. And that's especially true for H who is super action-oriented. Communicating in actions rather than words would be a 180 for me, so perhaps I should concentrate on action rather than words.

[rr22]

I wish this guy was my H's IC. If he was, we may not be in the situation we're in.

Why did you end MC? If H sees all counseling as working on a relationship he might be done with, he may refuse even though it could help with the separation. I don't know your H, so I can't guess. I'd try to make the note more friendly and less formal somehow. Would it be easier to say this on phone in a friendly way or do you think he would respond better by email after having time to think about it?

[newmama]

OK the email sounds good but I would change the verb "requested" to maybe "asked to see you" because "requested" sounds like a command! :-)

And thanks for sharing your expensive IC session with us so that we may be able to pick up on something....for free! or at your expense???

[Ready2Change]

My spin:

My counselor believes it is important that he hears from both of us about our separation. Would you be able to join me for the appointment I booked on XXX date at (time)?

[newmama]

Oh I like r2c's suggested wording!!!!

[flowmom]

So, no one thinks that an email like this would be pursuing/pressuring? It really wasn't my idea!

R2C, I like your wording so much better!

Why did you end MC?

We had an MC who really didn't help us and she kept on saying that we were at an impasse due to H not shifting. We both got discouraged and just stopped, leaving things hanging. I guess I thought we'd back-burner it and try something different. I guess H thought that was the last nail in the coffin.

If H sees all counseling as working on a relationship he might be done with, he may refuse even though it could help with the separation.

Possibly. On the other hand, he may feel a sense of responsibility to meet a specific request if it's something that I need for the separation rather than something that requiring him to rise to the challenge of working on the R. I guess I don't totally know what the C has in mind.

Would it be easier to say this on phone in a friendly way or do you think he would respond better by email after having time to think about it?

The benefit of email is that it doesn't put H on the spot. He can sit on it and not be required to respond right away. The how to improve your R... book cautions about how men respond to being taken off-guard, etc. I think that his knee-jerk response would be "no", so email has a better likelihood of giving him a bit of time and breathing space.

[Ready2Change]

95% of my communication with MsR2C is via email.
4% is text messages.
1% is voice.

I set this boundary early. Everything was misinterpreted and twisted when we spoke. I highly recommend the Email path. It allows both sides to respond vs react.

[flowmom]

Ugh. My kids have a cough/sore throat cold and I feel myself getting it . I was just finally feeling like I had gotten over the pneumonia and could start exercising again. I'm worried that this cold will get complicated again like it did before xmas when it turned to pneumonia. I'm normally really healthy, but I think that the stress...

[flowmom]

OK, this is in the mind-reading my H category, which I am working on doing less. H posted this on his FB wall today:

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure." - Helen Keller

That helps me to understand how he is framing this to himself...he is giving up the security of our M to pursue "adventure". Very in character.

[Ready2Change]

Flow, How you feeling?