Yes, I left my H. In 2006 I began an EA/PA with another soldier and moved in with him and his W. His W and I were good friends during that time, which I know is highly unusual. I felt that my H was still too close since we were all on the same military base. I traveled out of state with our then S1 (now S4) to live with my parents. Ex OM was supposed to join me as soon as he finished separation from the military.
Once in NE, I discovered I was pregnant with S2. It was assumed that S2 was OM's son. Despite that in September of 2006 ex OM left me for another of our friends. He still kept in contact with me, tried to assure me basically that he could keep us both. At which point I either found an ounce of self-respect or an ounce of reality (not sure which really). Told him that I am nobody's standby, and that if she was stupid enough to take him she could have him. I did continue to talk to him. I went to jail in November, just a month after turning 21. When I was convicted and sentenced to probation in January 2007 I was ready to go home to the right man. Amazingly, my H seemed to want me to come home. Making arrangements and figuring out details and finances (I'd done a number on those during 2006) took about a month. When I got there, it was to watch my H get on a plane to Iraq. I sold all of our household goods and returned to NE (as we planned).
While in jail I had asked for an IC because of depression. One of the conditions of my release was that I continue to see her. Not once in 6 months of weekly appointments did she ever consider that my behavior indicated bipolar disorder. Not until I was in NE again last August (2 1/2 years later) while H was in school did the real problem come to light. I went back to the same IC and explained my suspicions of bipolar disorder and my symptoms and she immediately agreed that this must be it.
After S2 was born I still kept in occasional contact with ex OM, though not physically. But I had not dealt with the EA and it therefore was still an underlying problem. Got fed up with ex OM, his GF, his ex W, and all their drama and went NC finally in fall 2008. In spring 2009 the friend ex OM left me for wanted to "make things right" with me. I should have walked away, but instead I thought this was a great way to attain closure. We got to be friends again, spent time together, and ex OM and I never sought to renew anything. I avoided being alone with him for any reason. But I enjoyed having the friends back.
In August 2009 I finally got help, I got stabilized on medication, and I realized what I had really done. And the saddest part is, at the time when I was finally getting well and finally seeing how devastating it must have been to my H, he was beginning a PA. I realized that I wanted my H, and my M, and my sons. I wanted to be the woman he had married. I saw all the extra twists of the knife I had given, even after the A ended - calling ex OM, keeping his W as a close friend, spending time with ex OM and his GF (??!!!). These are things that never even occurred to me as being wrong because when you are either manic or depressive it is impossible to see all angles of anything. You're lucky if you get a clear idea of one facet of any given situation.
It's hard, really, to even describe that time to now without becoming very emotional. Before I got help I can name only a handful of times in my 5 years marriage that I could say 100% I was myself, I was clearheaded, I was not cycling. One of those was sitting in a jail cell, and finally realizing what I had done to someone who loved me. And another was the day I finally realized I must be sick, to have devastated my life. There were a few others, but those two stick out.
You can also check out my comments on my bipolar thoughts and actions:
And if you have an interest in this latest chapter of insanity and how I am coping now that my bipolar disorder is under control, this is my current thread:
I hope I have answered your questions adequately. It is still hard to explain. Because I can never give you a completely accurate description of what it's like, and because it hurts so much to have had your own mind turn on you. I did not want to be a monster or to ruin what was set up to be an amazingly great life.
And all I can say is, please, if your S is bipolar or you suspect they are, please do what you can to get them help. I know that at the end of the day you can't force the pills down their throat or haul them to an IC. But I didn't even know I was sick for so, so long. My mind wouldn't slow down enough to allow me to see how sick I really was. And the people who knew me didn't help me. No one tried to tell me how bizarre my behavior was or that maybe I needed counseling. Most mentally ill individuals are not going to be in a place (IMHO) to help themselves by the time their condition has become evident to the world at large. So basically, if you can see it, they most likely can't.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
