Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

OK mission accomplished...WH assumed my limited talking was because I was "tired!" (which is true, I am) He said "you must be tired, right?" and I said "Yes, I guess I am! Why do you ask?" and he said "Oh you're just a little quieter than usual!"

But I mostly stayed away...he appreciated the leftovers, I worked out, folded laundry before coming downstairs, cleaned up in the kitchen...and he rocked S to sleep and then left!

I saw a red file folder on the entry table with some papers sticking out of them. My heart started beating quickly....but I peeked. I was thinking they could be the DIY divorce papers we started 10 months ago. Turns out they were TURBO TAX forms!

So when WH presented me with a pen and a paper to sign, I did not freak out or bat an eyelash! He said "I made you a copy so you should file your copy somewhere." (ouch-I know it's weird by now that I should still be bothered by references to our "separateness" but it still does bother me!)

So now I wonder if he is waiting for our tax return to file for D? Except that we really were going to do it the cheap way since we both agree on everything....so if he needed even $1000 he could have come up with that by now, right?

Well I have been forcing myself to picture the worst case scenario of losing my baby every other day to c*&tface and WH. And it still makes my heart break and makes me cry thinking of losing S for part of the week every week. Still, if I am ever going to face my fear, I must face the pain.

Why did this [censored] promise me a family, get me pregnant, give me the greatest love of my life (S) only to possibly take him away from me with a divorce? How cruel is that? I realize there are other cases out there, but I am taking a moment to feel sorry for myself. Just a moment.

OK. I took a deep breath. I am switching my thinking back to hopeful.

Tomorrow I will be working out, eating chocolate, and seeing Avatar in 3D (finally!)

WH asked me if I wanted a coffee tomorrow morning when he came over and told me my dinner was delicious.