Flushing the toxins from my life

[CountingCrows]

Journaling:

Feeling really rotten tonight. I'm doing a completely lousy job of flushing the toxins from my life. On Saturday, after finishing the co-parenting seminar with W, she begged off having S7 spend the night with the promise that she would spend time with him on Sunday. It had been exactly 2 weeks Sunday since she had seen or even spoken to S7. She said that she was starting feel much more comfortable and closer to me because of the time/feelings we shared at the seminar. She said that she was interested in spending more time with me and wanted to be more present in S7's life as well. She called around 10pm Saturday night to confirm her plans. She was going to come over to my house around 10am and spend the day with S7 and me as a family. Eat lunch together, do some laundry, help me work on S7's room, etc. Instead, she ended up sleeping in until noon, called to say she needed to get a shower and would be over after that, then procrastinating until 5:45pm before she showed up. Once here, she spent 20 minutes sitting at the table eating (S7 and I had already finished a hour before) and chatting with us. That was about the extent of the time she spent with S7.

After excusing herself to smoke in the garage, she came back inside and pulled out her computer and proceeded to sit in my bedroom and websurf for a couple of hours (she doesn't have internet access at her place, and she was catching up on some of the new art posted on Deviant Art). I finished my laundry and let her get hers started, I got S7 bathed, worked on some homework with him and got him off to bed. She didn't even get up and kiss him goodnight...just told him goodnight from where she was sitting in the room next door. This just broke my heart, but I bit my tongue to avoid starting a fight or cause tension.

Once S7 was asleep, I sat next to her and visited, watching some TV together while she surfed. We kept the chat mostly light. However, at one point, in response to something on TV, I mentioned how having sex only once in 4 months was killing me. She responded VERY strongly that we were not going to discuss our sex lives. The way she reacted made me instantly realize that she is still having sex with OM. She tried to pass it off that she didn't want to feel guilty (for not having sex with me). She says if it happens, it happens, but that she wasn't going to be pressured. But it was obvious that she didn't want me asking her about it, because she feels guilty.

Multiple times, up until a couple of weeks ago, she had mentioned that she hasn't had sex with anyone since the late night she came over on Jan 5th. (I apologize for not being forthcoming at the time, but yes, we did ML that night). It hasn't happened again since then, but I acknowledge that it has played a big part in my backwards progress over the past 30+ days. She had even talked about how nice it was to reconnect with her "best friend and lover" and had discussed with me that she'd be interested in sleeping over again. Now, she suddenly and adamantly doesn't want to discuss sex at all. She told me she didn't want to hear about my "banging sex life or lack thereof", and she didn't want to talk about her sex life or lack thereof.

A fairly uncomfortable silence fell across the room until about 10pm...less than an hour after S7 went to sleep. W started yawning and said she better get home and get some sleep, before it was dangerous for her to drive home (whatever. She lives 1 mile down the street from my house). I see her out, she hugs/kisses me and tells me she's going straight home and to bed. However, at 1:45am Monday morning, she calls me. When I answered (in my sleep), no one was there. I called back. She didn't answer. I texted her and asked if she wanted something...no response. Haven't texted or spoken to her since. Obviously another case of mis-dialing my number instead of someone else...another twist of the knife in my heart.

I realize that I have made a huge mistake letting her come over on Sunday, thinking that I was anywhere close to being ready to be friends. I just can't do it. I don't want to be "just her friend". I want to be her husband. I've never been overly-possessive, but I'm insanely jealous of the fact that some 28yo tattooed/pierced loser is banging my wife before our divorce is even final...and even more pissed off that multiple people have been banging my wife for years before I even filed for divorce. The intimate, loving, and special experiences that she once shared with only me has being given out like lollipops at the bank drive-thru. I'm having such a hard time accepting and dealing with this fact.

I'm disgusted with her, but even more disgusted with myself for not being totally repulsed by her. I want so bad to be indifferent towards her, to not still want to touch her and hold her and ML to her. I want to be able to look at her and feel NOTHING...no attraction, no sadness, no affection, no anger...no love. Instead, once glance in her eyes and I'm lost like I was 15 years ago when I met her. One touch and my lovesick mind forgets all the deceit and adultery...for a moment, anyway. I can't allow her to have that kind of power over me.

I'm trying so hard to live in the present, and leave the past behind, but right now I'm totally obsessing over each and every guy she cheated on me with...remembering back to those different time-frames in my mind and realizing how badly I was played in every one of the circumstances (and still being played). Also, knowing that what she's actually admitting/confessing to is probably only the (reservoir) tip of the iceberg...it just makes things that much more difficult.

Apparently, I'm one of those people who need to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts before I decide to finally take them back. This is ridiculous! It's been more than 6 months since the bomb and still I'm worse than a beaten dog that keeps coming back for a pat on the head. All I want is her love/approval, but the basic facts are right there in my face:

1. She does not want me as a husband anymore.
2. She's not interested in working on our M/R or stopping the D.
3. She's not interested in being a mom to S7.
4. She's enjoying her freedom to have PA with whoever she wants.
5. She's wants me to continue to provide financial aid.
6. She wants me to be her "friend" when she's emotionally low.
7. She's incredibly talented with her ability to manipulate me.

I am going to my first IC appointment tomorrow morning, and it's not a moment too soon. I really need some guidance and assistance for coping with these irrational emotions and accepting reality for what it is. This is absolutely necessary for the health and well-being of myself and S7.