I have been on a long, arduous, hill-to-valley road for about 2 years with my wife now. She and I reconciled but it has been a rocky road trying to get back to normal again.
There are trust issues. Severe trust issues. Many of which stem from old childhood wounds.
We finally decided to stop trying to bang our heads against the wall and go to counseling. We agreed that we would not talk about sensitive things without a counselor present until we could figure out a way to deal with them, to keep things from getting volatile. I had to push her into it, but she and I went together. Once for the initial, once each for the individual and once for the first couples session. And then she got injured and was off her feet for over a month so we had not been back but should have gone anyhow.
Since April of last year, I have been accused of three affairs, none of which were true in the least sense of the word. I have decided that it is basically because of her insecurities and low self-esteem, plus some deep trust issues. (Which we were all supposed to be working on in counseling!)
Well this time it's bad. She is convinced that after we got back together that I slept with someone I used to work with. She says that she has made her decision about what she is going to do and is going to tell me when she's ready to. I attempted to get her back to the counselors but she refuses to go...yet anyhow. I told her that the agreement that we made to not talk about volatile things unless a counselor is present stands and that I will not talk to her about this unless it's in a controlled environment.
This is to #1) keep her from jumping into things too quickly and making a rash decision (which she tends to do) and #2) to let things cool a bit more before doing anything at all. So if she is going to say anything to me, I will politely decline and tell her that I am not ready to talk yet and that the rule still stands.
Thing is I think she's going to pull the divorce card this time. Either that or she's going to try this whole, I'm going to live my life and you can live yours crap.
Now there is a lot at stake here. We have a son with Autism. He has very low communications skills, just got potty trained at 6-and-a-half (sort of...we're still working on that), has a selective diet, has sleeping issues, needs constant supervision and is having increasing behavioral problems.
We also have a daughter who is borderline autistic, who is higher functioning, but still has issues that need attention. She also has emotional problems.
I DO NOT...let me repeat this for emphasis...DO NOT want my children growing up in a broken home. My son's already got enough problems. He doesn't need divorced parents making things worse. My daughter would be confused beyond belief and devastated if we broke up. I would not be able to handle it if they had to endure this.
So, here's my plan...and I need honest opinions from all here.
If my potential WAW actually does say she's going to leave, I will propose the following to, in essence "call her bluff" by "going all in:"
I will tell her that from this point forward, if she catches me doing anything in the line of cheating behavior, (i.e., secret communications, emotional, physical, etc.) and can actually prove that this/these thing/s are going on with hard evidence, then I will give her everything. My car, the house, my stuff, my musical instruments, my computers, my golf clubs, my EVERYTHING, AND have to pay her HALF of whatever I make for the rest of my life, leave and leave her alone only to have contact with out kids when absolutely necessary.
Basically totally turn myself over to her financially for the rest of my life and have nothing, and I mean nothing. And of course, put all of this in a legal document, signed, notarized and entered into the public record.
And why do this crazy thing, you ask? Because I will do ANYTHING to keep my family together and do ANY-THING it takes to make sure my son and daughter have a FAMILY. THEIR FAMILY.
So, is this crazy? Will it work? Ladies, would this be enough to convince you that I am more than serious about what I want? Men, would you go this far to save your marriage and MEAN IT and DO IT yourselves?
I look forward to responses!
Thanks for reading!
M:42 W:38 D:8 S:6 married: 14 together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
M:42 W:38 D:9 S:6 married: 15+ together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
Why should you be the one compromising if she is acting the fool?
Also, seconding Puppy, after my W returned from "parts unknown" for 3 hours and jumped immediately in the bathtub/shower when she got home and I went out to grab a bite to eat, came home 30 minutes later to find OM sneaking through the bushes behind my house - I was immediately accused of "dressing too nice to go out" and that I was "obviously looking to meet someone."
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Trust functions as a two-person dynamic. You are suggesting here that your wife accuses you of infidelity and that you have done nothing. Granted. But what I want to do know is what YOU mgiht be DOING to AGGRAVATE her anxiety over this?
What I am going to suggest is that you take the full disclosure approach reccomended by most FT's in the wake of an affair.
I sense some defensiveness in your post here, so I am thinking when our spouse accuses you of infidelity you defend yourself. Rather than just opening your arms and life up to her for inspection.
Have you taken a good look at your behaviour? Is there NOTHING you are doing that might make her feel uneasy?
If you want to change someone, MWD says you first must change yourself.
When my W was having an affair she accused me of cheating as well. I didn't turn it into a poker game. I just opened up all my communications to her. I told her she can look at whatever she wants to for as long as she wants to.
I invited her to drive me to work, and to pick me up when i was done at end of day.
I made my life fully disclosed to her.
She withdrew the accusation soon afterwards.
Obviously SOMETHING i wasn't disclosign was making HER nervous.
This wasn't her fault. She's experiencing anxiety and I had to find a way to ease that a bit.. so I did.
Can you try something like this? Try to identify what's making her nervous? Is it your cell phone? Invite her to swap them.. on the SPOT.
Tell her she can carry your phone for as long as she likes. And at the end of the day she can see her phone as well. And tell her she's welcome to review any phone records she wants.... NO DEFENSIVENESS whatsoever coming from you on the matter
That's the key thing about Trust. If someone shows anxiety, often defensiveness is the response... This just aggravates the problem rather than softening it into something managable.
There are several things about your message that are based on incorrect assumptions. First and most important is that you can't make your wife do anything even if you offer her everything you have. She obviously doesn't want things. This is about something else for her. You should be focusing on getting to the bottom of that.
Second is that D parents can't handle raising children with special needs without causing damage. Parents can and do every day.
Also, as the guys have already brought up, why would your W jump to these conclusions. What aren't you telling us?
Interesting that you all think this is a bad idea. I have been throwing this to friends of mine here and so far I have gotten positive feedback from all (M and W). Not sure if you guys would all wuss out when it came down to the crunch or not but by the looks of the posts I find it a likely outcome.
The problem is that yes, there are SEVERE trust issues on both sides.
I think that you are all missing the point here. It's a gesture that says "This is how serious I am about doing this."
I actually woke up this morning with the thought that, yes this is too lop-sided, and that I should amend the agreement to include her promising to help me fix this whole damn thing like we had agreed to to begin with. Also, let it state that if either of us cheats and is caught doing so with conclusive proof, then it falls on who is the cheater.
And as far as those above who say things like "Don't give in to her" that's not what this is. It's not "giving in" because if I am true and faithful, I WIN. Not sure how that's confusing.
On the other hand of that notion, no I will not "give in" to her. If she wants to take a stand on her willingness to leave, well then BYE! But I will let her know that if she leaves, she leaves on her own and she can expect to pack her stuff and go bcz I'm not going anywhere. My choice, my home, my kids, my life. She's NOT going to push me out of my own home again. EVER. I am tired of giving in to her craziness and am taking a stand. This is one way of doing that. It is an action plan and a damn good one at that if I may say so myself. It shows leadership, fortitude, thoughtfulness, honesty and an earnest desire to make things WORK.
Just a quick aside, I'm not here to justify myself or my supposed actions to anyone. If you don't have something constructive and helpful to add, don't bother to post in this thread. If you want to know more, I may have the time to discuss that in a different thread. I see a lot of wasted space above. Sorry, my opinion FWIW, but that's the kind of guy I am. I see it and tell it like it is. Can't handle it? <shrug>
M:42 W:38 D:9 S:6 married: 15+ together: 12.5 Bomb dropped: 4/18/05 Back together: 9/30/07 In trouble again: NOW
