Question

[awest1217]

ARGH! This is the time where I really feel everything H is doing is just all about him and nothing about us. Whenever I call him, he won't answer, but if I text him, he will text me right back. Why can't you answer? OW with him?

Tonight S is having a hard time getting settled into bed (still sleeping with me). I put him to bed then took a shower. I got back in about 20 minutes and he was still wide awake. Then for another 30 minutes he was tossing and turning and just playing around. I spanked his bottom after continually trying to get him to calm down. He started crying and saying how he wants daddy. Not a big deal and I thought, S might want to say good night anyway so I told S if he calmed down I would call H for him to talk to. Nothing. He didn't answer and hasn't even text me back. I am sure he is "taking a shower", "exercising", "left the phone upstairs". I mean he is doing a lot right, but am I being played again. Is it that he can't answer the phone because OW is there and she doesn't know about us?

ARGH!

[ClingingToHope]

He may be charging the phone. Yes. It sucks. I'm playing this game with W -- avoiding her calls. But we aren't close now in any way.

[awest1217]

Still kind of perturbed this morning. H did text me to find out if I got to work ok. Tons of snow here and more on the way...up to 14 inches. Never did he say sorry about not answering the phone or even mention it. He just went on about how his night was bad and how he would help me go grocery shopping if I wanted, but he wanted to be home early. I said I wasn't going shopping (it is supposed to get horrible here right when I get out of work) so he could just go straight home and hopefully have a better night since he won't have his normal Tuesday meeting today.

He noticed I was short so asked what was up. I told him I was upset about him not answering the phone and that S was crying for him and he just wanted to say good night. I then asked what went wrong last night, and he said that he couldn't sleep and when he finally did go to sleep, he forgot to take off his ring last night before bed and it fell off while he was sleeping so he was late to work because he was trying to find it. So if he was up, why didn't he answer? Never said sorry or anything. I took the high road and said I hoped he had a better day and that he can just go home tonight and relax (not like I ever get to do that).

I know I am assuming and shouldn't, but I am pretty sure his not being able to sleep is because of OW. Last year at this time is when we were fighting all the time because OW was becoming an issue and he never slept. When he did leave, he said he was glad that he could finally sleep again. We always fought right before bed because I wouldn't talk about our issues until after S went to bed, which was 8 so we would then start talking around 8:30 and fight until 11 or midnight just to get up the next mornign at 6am, but of coarse we would take a while to go to sleep. I really think him and OW are fighting like we used to and like Lolal said a while ago, I am now the OW. I don't fight with H. I let him know that I am upset and why then let it go. We don't fight. I bet she calls him around 9, like she has the entire time this has been happening, or later. They start talking then he gets mad or she gets mad. They fight and then spend a while texting each other until they are no longer as mad or at least have resolved the anger. I just don't know what to think about this. I am going to try really hard not to check the phone records, but I still could since I haven't sent out the check yet. I could ask him, but I think he would just say they aren't fighting. I think I am going to just try to tell him when I am upset and just then let it go like I would like our new relationship to be. Then next week, after I see if anything at all happens this weekend (not planning on it), talking to him about my feelings with OW and her H being gone and how I am very uncomfortable and just lay it all out. It will be hard and I don't know if I should talk to him in person, e-mail, phone, etc. I think in person is best.

So on with another day. I really hope they cancel school early for safety reasons. Since I have been at work, one hour, it has probably snowed about 1/4 of an inch, and is coming down harder now then before. Maybe a 2 hour delay tomorrow? Just no snow day...I have a four day weekend anyway, Friday and Monday off, so I don't need a day this week.

[Lucky11too]

Trust is such a hard thing to gain back and he's definitely not doing himself any favors by being so unavailable. At this point though, it would make sense to talk to him directly b/c you obviously can't make him pick up his phone when you call. Maybe he just needs to understand why he should - for S's sakes and for your R's sake. He seems open to communication and sharing feelings, so that's a good thing. In general in seems like in-person is the best, but whatever you think will work best for your case. It will be hard but as long as he is open with it and you continue to be open with him, it should help your progress. You're doing great, but these setbacks are expected. Just make sure you both pick yourselves up and continue to more forward in a positive direction again.

Regarding the phone records, there's probably no point to looking at the phone records b/c you already know what they are going to show. H has already admitted to talking to her still, (although he says it is less, right?) But it is a good sign if they are fighting. You know exactly what constant fighting does to an R, especially when there is another person available who they have a good time and don't fight with (that person being you). And it's good that you took the hight road today. I feel like I've been doing that a lot recently and it really has helped smoothed things along as we try to figure everything out (I just hope I don't become bitter b/c of it tho).

And stay safe in the snow. I've been seeing in the news all the crazy weather you guys have been getting over there. In some places, it might even be a new record!

[awest1217]

Huge development. The place where H is staying the owners have found renters, and he has to be out by March 15. He said he would like to come home, but doesn't want to hurt me again or still. I said I would like him to come home too, but he is still talking to OW. Plus we only spend one day together and that one day is only for a few hours. Being together every day would be different. He just said I know.

AHH!! I wanted this to happen this summer, but I guess now H really has to choose between me or OW. I need some advice on how to be clear on the boundaries without pushing him away. This is really scary because he hasn't changed the underlying problem. Scary....it is either he comes home or gets an apartment, and I have made it clear if he signs a lease I sign divorce papers because he won't come home then.

The fork is here and one month....AH!

[Lucky11too]

Wow! That is big news. Like you said, currently you only spend one day together, so why don't you encourage him to spend more time with you and S, as a kind of "trial phase" (plus the more time he spends with you, the less time with OW). Ultimately though, he does need to choose. He can't continue to play you both. Try rereading the section on DR again and also review Not Just friends (I just got it, so I haven't read it yet, but I believe you already have, right? It looks encouraging to me). I think you're going to have to just continue to show your loving firm side - ie what you just did earlier - I would like you to come home too (loving) BUT you're still talking to OW. I think in this case, he really is going to have to go cold turkey if he wants to make it work with you - no more 'weaning' off OW. You'll have to make this very clear to him. Think too about other boundaries that are important to you. I supposed it's basically an ultimatum, but if you've already told him that if you sign lease papers that you're signing D papers, then that's a ultimatum as well. Talking about your options first (ie, ending OW) will still give him a chance to make a choice (and hopefully the right one). Maybe too, a resolution could be to go right in to couple's counseling. I know he SHOULD go to IC first, but since he's not following thru, going to MC could get that ball rolling more. I know when H finally got into therapy, he just feels so enlightened and has given him so much understanding to his underlying problems (long way to go, but a start). Hopefully, any kind of counseling could be an eye opening experience for him for some positive change. He may not be able to work thru his OW issues until he has that help. If you can get in there soon, hopefully you'll have a good idea about which direction this is going by the deadline. Just some thoughts...

[awest1217]

Thanks Lucky! I was actually thinking about MC as well. Maybe talk to him next week since we do have to get things rolling sooner. I am only worried it won't help because H has a bachelor's in psychology, he kind of says "if I was a therapist this is waht I would tell myself" or "this is the only thing a therapist will do so I am a lost cause". I have to help him see past his own knowledge on the subject to be open to doing what someone else says without says that won't work because it has been proven in such and such a case to be a bad practice.

I am still going to see how this weekend goes. I have a four day weekend and he has a three day weekend. We both have off the 15th so V-day is a good time to spend together. Maybe we will get to spend all weekend together? I am now thinking that is less of a possibility because H knows if he moves back no OW so he might hang with her as much as possible to get his "fix" before he comes home. Who knows? I can't worry about that. I have to focus on what I want and what I am going to do. I think I am going to get him a nice V-day card and write in it how I know he is scared, but I have the faith in him that if he really wants to stop these behaviors he can, especially now that I know about them. If he slips up, which we will all do from time to time, he can come to me and say I messed up and just pick up and keep moving on.

Then talk next week about MC and about how OW's H will be gone so I need to be reassured they won't be sleeping in the same place, or seeing each other.

What do you think? I am trying to show love, yet let him know subtly that he knows the "rules". He always hates when I bring them up because he says "if I am coming home, don't you think I know what I have to do. You don't have to rub my face in it". I am trying to be sensitive to his feelings, but protect myself at the same time. Very fine line.

On another note, since H may be coming home in less than a month, S needs to stop sleeping with me so he doesn't resent H for "taking his place". So it was rough, but I put S to bed in his own bed. A lot of tears and a lot of "mommy I just want you" :(, but right now he is in his own bed. Now just to keep it up.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I would definitely point out to him when he gets the "I know it all" philosophy, that sometimes an outside perspective helps (as well all know from here!)

Maybe if he feels that way about you rubbing it in his face about coming home means no OW, then don't say that, at least not in those terms. Work around it by sharing new feelings, like the concern that OW's H is gone (which all address the same issue, but maybe would come off as not so attacking?) But it's good that he acknowledges that he knows the rules, so he can't blame it on ignorance. Just continue to encourage him (good idea for the card) but reconfirm the lines where necessary. It definitely is a fine line, so in some areas, you may need to test his response a bit.

Awww, I totally feel for you regarding S. It breaks my heart too, but it is necessary evil in this case. Maybe just try to remind him how much you love him and what a big boy he is being by sleeping in his own bed. But oh, so heart wrenching! =\

[awest1217]

S is still sleeping! It is nice to be in my bed and not have to worry about waking him, but I kind of miss him. He is my little man and dealing with him tonight has brought up more for H and I to talk about before he comes home. All dealing with S. We will need to sit down and talk to S about what is happening, and H needs to be ready for S to get upset with him. S is used to having me all to himself so he may think daddy is "taking his place" when really H is coming back to where he belongs, but S doesn't remember H living here. He only remembers us. H will need to spend some time with S alone, but also be prepared for me to spend time with S alone as well, but the time for the two of them is critical so that S doesn't feel threatened. S has been had a rough time with all of this and H coming home has to be ok with him too. I know he is only two but he understands so much and is very perseptive. There were a few more things along those lines, but I forget now. I will need to either post here to help me remember or write them down.

Right now, I am scared H is going to go dark for a while. I did send him a text that said how I put S to bed in his bed, good night, and I would love to know what he is thinking and I am here to listen if he wants, but nothing in return. I am sure it is hard for him to get kicked out, but he needs this or he would never make a decision. I am ok either way, but if he goes dark, it will put a huge back step on our R.

Who knows? A lot going through my mind tonight, but I need to relax in case we don't have a two hour delay tomorrow.

[awest1217]

Oh yeah... the other thing is me being very protective of S. I am the one who has raised him for the past year so I will need to watch and make sure I don't undermine H's relationship with S. Also we have our routine, which is very different from H's. He is more of a night owl so we will need to find a happy medium where S gets to eat, sleep and play when he is used to, but I also get the sleep I need, and H doesn't feel he has to be in bed at 8, but I can go to bed, but trust H is not doing inappropriate things. Man a lot to think about and not a lot of time to work through some of it. Most of it is just piddly stuff like our schedules and S, but they are still important. S and I have our life now and it is very different from what is was one year ago. S is so different. He has a personality now, opinions, can make decisions, talk, remember, etc. Last year he was saying two word sentences, which was great. I remember the first week H was gone, texting him to just say that S recognized the color blue, and now he knows all his colors, shapes, most of his letters, and many of his numbers. Very different world.