You had a choice. But rather than giving her the space it seems like she kept asking for, you kept bugging her. I wouldn't say she was a rageaholic. If someone you didn't like kept bugging you, I think you'd get pissed too.
All you did was get her pissed and now you're saying "oh well I guess it's what I wanted in the first place".
Have you done anything for yourself during all this? You say that you haven't listened to any of the DB seniors so far. Well it's not too late, even though you keep muttering to yourself that it is. If the people on DB have started to lose respect for you, it's no wonder your W has.
Start TODAY. No calling, talking, etc. GAL. Get her respect back by getting your confidence back.
She is a rageaholic...and not because of what happened today. People have been telling her to go to anger management for years...including her family. When we were together, it was like walking on eggshells at times to try and not do anything to make her angry. I'm not a professional but I speculate that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder.
And while it may not be too late to work on me (I mean it's never too late for a person to do things for themselves)...I'm sure the R is done. If it wasnt done after my going over and catching her and OM, it is now.
She said today it would take a long time for her to get over being so miserable and get over how I treated her in the R. Statements like that are so infuriating...the way she talks it was like I was one of these spouse-beaters or something. She is just as much to blame for what happened as I am...no more or less.
And of course in any of our conversations over the past few months did I ever once mention all the stuff she did? nope...as always I just let her dump on me because I know to even suggest she had any fault would piss her off.
Anyway...what happend over the last 24 hours was a mistake...I wish it hadnt happened, but it did happen and I cant change it...just like I cant change anything else in the past.
And as I said without risking any legal reprocussions I cant do anything but keep to myself, workout, read, take care of D3, and hopefully get my IC to help me with the codep. issues with my ex.
However there are certain things... ONE THING... the LBS can set out to do, no matter how hard it is, to get on the path.
No R talks. One thing. That is not to say one should not feel how they need to feel but make ONE GOAL and stick to it.
Ok, I think you are right that ONE GOAL is reasonable to ask newbies.
And no R talk is the easiest for me, personally.
And I meant that you all waste your time when you dish out excellent advice but the newbies aren't able or willing or too afraid to follow it! Sorry if that cam across wrong-was trying to say thank you for trying still!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
ok nsw...use the fine people here to provide "peer pressure" to you so you will be motivated to do the following! good luck-one day at a time! :-)
Quote:
And as I said without risking any legal reprocussions I cant do anything but keep to myself, workout, read, take care of D3, and hopefully get my IC to help me with the codep. issues with my ex.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I gotta find an outlet for my anger. It just comes on all of a sudden...due to my thinking about the past present and things that havent happened and may not happen.
Right now I'm so angry at my ex and the OM...and I want to say all these horrible things to them just to blow off steam. The things running through my mind to say are attrocious and the pre-split me would never have even thought of let alone say such horrible things to another person.
Supposedly one way to accomplish this is to write a letter you're never going to mail...but I fear I would just end up sending it. And that would certainly be a one way ticket to an R.O....meaning game over...my ex and the OM would win and me and D3 would lose.
Thanks for the tips guys. I'll start looking for that book to add to my now vast library.
It's just so sad...prior to all this I would get angry, but I was able to deal with it. I guess the things I got angry about werent nearly as life shattering as this is though.
it sure would feel good to say all the stuff I;m thinking to my ex...but then I know I would regret it right afterwards because I normally dont think of such terms and horrible thoughs even when I'm mad at people.
So I've got to work really hard not to start up the silent treatment again the next time my ex picks up D3. I did that after she blew up at me for catching her and the OM together and then I felt like crap for acting like that when she left.
I refuse to feel bad about my hurt feelings anymore...and one way to avoid that is to be calm and polite. Hostility only begets hostility.
but saying it...and doing it, are two different things. keeping my fingers crossed.
nsw, I kinda stopped posting here (as in other threads) when I saw the vets chime in and give better advice than I could. Also, to be frank, it was agonising watching you slap both yourself and posters with the well-intended advice given.
Stop crossing your fingers and uncross your MIND. You've been making excuses for yourself in real life and now even here. You've already prepared a backdoor, essentially what you said a few posts back is ... "Gee, Sandi, Puppy, Gardener, whoever ... thanks for the great advice, but basically I find it too much of a hassle to listen and act on it, so please go on advising if you feel like it and if you don't, I won't blame you but will continue to mope here".
Get off yourself, your self-flagellation / ego trip, and your behind.
I think I can understand a morsel of what your ex must be feeling. You're presenting yourself as a most unattractive person to have any contact or communication with. And I'm actually in your corner to start with.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
and I was reading another thread "Women lose attraction for their men because those men exhibit unattractive behaviors and men fearing the loss of their women become weak, needy, insecure, wussy and pretty much feminine and very unattractive."
this is insane or rediculous or both...women lose attraction and leave, and that makes the men even more unattractive because they react to their W leaving?
