My IC pointed out to me that rescuing and fixing behaviors are actually controlling behaviors... and, yes, very much like a parent. At some of the worst points of our sitch, my H would accuse me of being like his mother, which hurt so deeply. His mother is a person who has huge anger issues and is not very emotionally healthy. Never, in our 19 years of M did he ever before accuse me of this. I talked with his sister about it at the time and she was appalled, as her perspective is that, personality wise I am about as different from their mother as anyone could be. OW is actually much more like their mother. But, in talking since, my H was able to say that he was feeling like I was "mothering" him at the time. Very different!
I've been guilty of "mothering" H too much, and unfortunately I've pulled down on myself all of H's mother issues. I'm not anything like his mother, but I invited that by stepping into a mothering role with him. I really lost track of what a wife's role is vs. a mothering role. I guess to an H, he can't see us as a W when we are acting like a mother. Even now, I find myself having urges to caretake H. I think I need to really let go. If we were still together I would work on cultivating the belief that he can take care of himself, and I think that projecting my confidence in his own abilities in that area would be more supportive than all my "helping".
take care.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
MF - Can I come visit the yellow beach house even if I'm not a mom? I won't stay long because all the kids will drive me crazy, but an occasional cocktail would be fun!
RW - keep rereading the detachment article on Livestrong. It helps with the distinction.
Yes Pearl, you are invited! I printed off that article and keep it with me in my journal to re-read often. I think it's sinking in more! I want to explore with my IC why it is so hard for me.
Finding that balance between "caretaking", "mothering" vs. being supportive and caring is hard...
I am realizing too my H has his own part in it. There are times when he pretty much asks to be mothered, and I am going to have to be lovingly firm about not getting pulled into that when I see it. I can only be responsible for me!
Last night was better, H and I were both in better moods, watched a movie together with S15, had some good laughs, some teasing and joking.
I owe it to myself to give this a try. I did not go through 4 months of hell to throw it all away.
Yes you do! And FYI... it wasn't 4 months of hell... it was for months of finally discovering yourself. Get the right attitude.
huh....Gno... you have given me very important food for thought.... wow... Is it possible to turn this around and be able to see it that way eventually? I would love to get there!
RW I haven't been following your piecing thread, but I did follow your thread in Newcomers when you were there.
There is no eventually and you're already there... it's simply a matter of asking yourself the questions that will bring this mindset into the light.
For example (and my memory is hazy here)...
1) What did you discover about yourself when you confronted your H? A: Courage.
2) What have you discovered about yourself since the A? A: That forgiveness is possible.
I wish I could remember more... the whole point here is that during times of crisis we discover a lot more of what we are capable of than we ever thought possible. Once we can put the anger and resentment aside, take a step back from the situation and really look at it objectively... there are lessons that we learn about ourselves.
Another example you discover is the potential we have for change in doing the 180's. GAL, if done correctly, teaches us that we are capable of being happy without our spouse. That we are desirable and "in demand" even though your spouse doesn't think share that sentiment at that moment.
We learn to confront our fears -- and surprise ourselves when we do. I hope this makes sense to you.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I don't know why... I guess because it is so affirming! And, I really needed that. This is frickin' hard and I needed that.
Been struggling with my sense of worth... feeling like I was tossed aside for the better part of the year. Yet, what I did discover about myself is that my worth is not defined by my M or my H. How did I lose sight of that recently?
OK... deep breaths.... thank you. I really needed that.
Hi RW, Just wanted to check in & say thanks for stopping by my thread. I haven't been on your lately - as much as I was when you were in newcomers' but wanted to catch up and see how you're doing. The fact that you're in the piecing thread says volumes about your progress. And that makes me very happy - to know some people have hope. It really does. You deserve so much credit for the way you handled, and are handling your sitch. Very fricking hard, I have no doubt!
Just wanted to let you know, as I said before, you are FABULOUS and I know you'll get there.
I really appreciate that you took time to read my post & weigh in - it really means a lot. Sending lots of support & hugs.
rocked, I'll post more another time when I can write more.
for now just let me chip in that the whole conumdrum in piecing is that you detach in a way from your detached self. You draw on inner strength when your spouse withdrew from you, but to REALLY fix the M and be whole again as a couple, many would feel the wholeness does mean being "one" again in many ways.
So, you do give up parts of yourself in this process. That's what the give and take in Ms are about. Parts which may have been badly hurt and rebuilt by yourself in darker times. And the giving is much, much harder this time round ...
But that's love and M's at the end of the day isn't it? There's not much more precious that that in our world, and even simpler things do not come without risk. So ... you risk. And you will be ok whatever results you get.
(((rocked)))
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Finding that balance between "caretaking", "mothering" vs. being supportive and caring is hard...
I'm trying to use this guideline with H: "would a good friend do this?". A good friend would show concern about H's health. A good friend wouldn't remind him about some specific advice that he had received about how to manage his condition like I did the other day.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts LFA, Deep and Flowmom. I find the support here so valuable, there are not even words. We give so much to each other... total strangers to each other, yet sharing something so intense, so difficult, so life changing... so we bond in a way I didn't know would be possible.
Had another IC session today. She is so good. She gave me an extra half hour today, without billing for it, because she could see I needed it.
I might post more later on that... still processing...
Deep, your thoughts I am also processing... some similarites to what I discussed with IC so that is helpful.
There is this wierd, unfamiliar, yet so necessary balance to be struck right now... between the ME I found in the midst of my blackest days and the new intimacy and raw emotional bond in my newly forming M. I can't find my way through it yet, but feel like it is starting to make a little more sense every day.
