Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[Onthemountaintop]

OTM,
I've seen you post around "town" but I'm just catching up on your sitch. I'm going to swing some big Ol 2X4 's for what its worth. Its out of love.. I swear...

Please accept too that my response is not an angry how could you, but rather a response because I don't think I've been clear enough for others to understand. Maybe it is also the fact that I'm like the wolf among the sheep. I say I want my M to work, but I am the one driving myself to a possible D.

Do you want it to - or are you just looking for justification as to why you are RIGHT?

If I knew I wanted to make it work with my W, I would be able to. That IS why I'm here - trying to find out why I can't stop thinking about getting out of my M. to find out new ways to see the same R issue.

RE ADHD - medicated usually, but I got through Univ without, I'm trying not to rely on it. Why did I bother with the diagnosis? Because my R was such cr** that I figured it must be me. How does that make me on a high horse. Each day I take a pill, do you think I don't wonder if it really is a patch to a M that wasn't meant to be? I KNOW that I can be successful, with or without. I also know that those who feel successful have lives where they aren't swimming upstream on every route.

If I wanted to be with her, I believe she'd love me more because I would find it much easier to do the extra touch, listen a little longer, be a little less sensitive, change that much more.

She sounds healthy and fine to me – does she have warts or something??? You have 5 kids – she was attractive at some point.

I got one picture of her, with her veil. It was black and white and an old picture, too. I was told by many others that by their culture it wouldn't be OK to meet her and go out (this is allowed by my religion, but I didn't realize that so I accepted). I saw her once in person, but she didn't look at me, so all I could see was one cheek.

What is attractive? It doesn't matter, because it can't change much and I am not not so picky that I want a model from the front cover. What isn't attractive - much easier for me to answer.
- I think that when she decided that her ear surgery wasn't that important, and that becoming nearly deaf in one ear was acceptable is really ugly. I tried to encourage her, get angry with her, deal with her fears, it didn't matter. Only after I said D, did she take note and call her doctor back.
- Not eating b'fast and becoming boney, weak, and constantly sick is ugly
- Not brushing her hair and teeth, that's ugly.
- A wart...she had one for a while because she wouldn't go to the doctor
- Preg. vitamins during our last few kids...wouldn't take it
- there's more...

HOW DO YOU RESPECT SOMEONE WHO CAN'T RESPECT HERSELF OR HER BODY?

So should I now expect a response that it is my fault she feels this way. I'd accept it gladly if she hasn't been this way since we first met & married. Do I 'deserve better'. Maybe not. Can I accept living with someone who phyiscially is guaranteed to break down because she CHOOSES to be weak. Others could. I can't.

You think she is dumber than you…

OK, I'm guilty here. But in what relationship are the spouses perfectly matched? I got through Univ, with a job, a wife and a baby, and undiagnosed ADHD. I must be doing at least OK in that dept.

Am I saying she's stupid? No. I feel it at times, I KNOW that is wrong. I know that intellegence is of many kids, and I believe that true, too. Was she always this way. No. She was worse. Meeting me wasn't the key, but coming to a country that challenged her assumptions, having kids questioning her, and me all helped her grow. It helped me grow, too. Her quick growth points out that she could be and do so much more IF SHE WANTED TO. The other side is her language. Her Engl. isn't that good, so while she might be able to better understand me and I understand her, she doesn't. To me, stupid is being able to, but choosing not to try. I don't respect that.

Instead of kids, I tried very hard to encourage her to learn. She didn't even want English classes when she first came - I had to (almost) force her.

She can’t be anything else when you have demanded that she be everything to you.

I don't want her to be everything. I'd love some independence, and for her to have some too. She DOESN'T WANT IT. Unless I said I wouldn't, she doesn't even try so many things.

Happiness comes from within ourselves

Starting to get this point. How can I get her to see that without actually walking away? I know that if I left, she'd pick up the peices and start trying to find happiness eventally. But with 5 kids, she wouldn't have time to or afford to. Would she be relieved? Of course. One less person to worry about. One less meal. Many less fights. If that was my goal, then I'd be out. I want us ALL to be happier - me, the kids, and her. Together, if possible.

Maybe I am self-centered. I don't think I am.

Why did I marry Mrs. OTM?
- I was looking for a good, religious woman who seemed strong willed and intellegent. I know now there is no way to know this without KNOWING her, but that isn't what I thought then. She wasn't religious. She can be pushy, not strong willed. She is a good person - this is why I've been trying for 11 years. BTW - she accepted me because she thought I was her ticket out of her country.

What did we have in common when we met?
Nothing other than religion.

What about her attracted me back then?
Nothing. Didn't really see her.

What have I done to show Mrs. OTM that I value her as a wife and the mother of my
kids?
I tell the kids to respect her in front of her and at other times, I remind her that she works too hard and deserves a break. Not much else because I want her as a person, not a mother.

What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage?
Tons. ADHD. Anger. Holding grudges. Key thing - M was broken from DAY ONE, but I couldn't leave her 'embarrased' and divorced a few days after we began. My friends were in Canada. They wouldn't have known. Her family and more was all around her and some thought I just married for quick sex and would leave her. I couldn't just ditch her without giving it a proper chance. Should I have planned kid #1. Ya. How many families get preg in the first month, I thought....

What do I think I do the create the “as they are” problem – where do I see opportunities to improve. (Vs wanting Mrs. OTM to tell you what she means by this, you see what YOU think this means and fix THAT)
- I now have a long list and I'm trying to do some of it. But...if I can't carry on a conv. without getting frustrated and seeing the many gaps, it is really hard to make them happen.

I KNOW YOU ARE ALL TRYING TO HELP. I'M VENTING BACK A BIT OF STEAM, so forgive me if I seem mean or heartless.

I stayed for 11 years without ONE month that I felt love, deep companionship, or many other things you've all had at one time to another. I'm not feeling that it is her fault. But IM JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO HER MIND, BODY, SOUL, OR SKILLS.

When you've gone to date your H or W years ago, didn't you try to court them, showing your best side, trying to be beautiful/handsome?

I can do that for my W now, 11 years late, but why shouldn't I ask that of her? Or better, how can I not ask it of her if I'm the one not attracted?