Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[Ready2Change]

First, I am going to say Bworl is very wise. It is very important to be open all the advise, then to respond by making the best choice for you at that time. That way there are no regrets.

...And some of these things are going to be contrary to the prevailing "Be a Man" theme that you've been hearing from many so far....

Augment may be a better word than contrary.

Mike, during this period of your life, you will be defining who you are as a man. Pick and chose what works for you. It is better to have a broad range of tools to pick from and use the right ones at the right time.

...more harmful to a wife than a husband who persistently turns to pornography and self-pleasure.

A real man knows how to postpone his gratification until he completely satisfies his wife. She will gladly return the favor. I strongly recommend reading the books I recommended in an earlier post.

Understand every single time that you get uppity and holier than thou about your wife and her online sexual fantasy with this new friend that IN HER MIND you have been having little sexual flings with other women for as long as you have been married. The fact that no physical contact was involved does NOT change the fact that you received physical pleasure from another person.

Very wise words.

I wonder sometimes if the "throw her to the curb" folks would be willing to advise a woman like your wife to throw someone like you or me to the curb just as quickly.

I have read so many different POV. Tolerating irresponsible behavior never works. Effectively communicating with boundaries works. Go see what worked for Britt54. Today was a good day for her.

Link to last post, work backwards

In a marriage there should be no tit for tat on things like this. Your indiscretions do not give her the right (or even the obligation) to do something similar. My ex didn't get this one right either.

One person needs to stop keeping score. This person is you Mike. You need to do what works. If talking with W is working keep doing that. It is all about being aware if things are getting better or worse. All you can control is your thoughts, words and actions. Your wife is free to respond however she needs to.

In her frustration and weariness of dealing with your issues for so long, she has convinced herself that she DESERVES the opportunity to explore her sexuality with another. This is definitely WRONG.

Agreed. It is not you job to control her. It is your responsibility to communicate what you feel about things and what you will tolerate.

I would say that you have a choice to make here. And despite what others have told you, I think it has very little to do with you "being a man." I would suggest in fact that you've been "being a man" by focusing on yourself and what you wanted for far too long.

Being a man is doing what works. Being a man is doing the right thing. You can do what the OM is doing to wife. If she will tell you, you can change your behavior. I am sure he is giving her attention. Test and see if attention to your wife works. But I want to warn you, If you give her attention to win her and not because you want to just because, it may push her farther away.

I believe it is time for another honest conversation with your wife. If the two of you are serious about continuing together even in the face of your serious issues, all for the benefit of your son, then that will require a committment. That committment is that the two of you will remain uninvolved physically or emotionally with any other members of the opposite sex.

Agreed. Lots of work from both sides.

Do not bring them to her attention. In fact, if the issues are resolved between the two of you concerning other people, I would do my best to leave your wife alone. You should provide transparency regarding your previous bad habits - give her a way to verify that they are no longer taking place. She, similarly, must provide transparency to you that she is no longer playing with another.

"The love dare" is a good book.

Work on yourself. Do not put pressure on her to accept you back as husband. Allow her to see your changes and be attracted to them again.

Change is the name of the game. Actions speak louder than words. Make the change for you.