My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[CityGirl]

You know what makes me damn mad?

It seems everybody who comes here refuses to listen. When the bomb is dropped early on the steps you take immediately following the bomb are perhaps the most crucial and critical ones for both YOU as an INDIVIDUAL and the outcome of your R.

Yes, we all get it loud and clear. When the bomb first drops you are in an utter state of shock, fear and 80 million other emotions that are spinning around in your mind. That is *exactly* why any of us turned to a source such as this. To get guidance from people who have experienced the SAME DAMN THING.

But they don't listen. And things get worse and worse and often times beyond repair. Just like you, I knew better than ANYBODY and it took me a long time to listen. Then it was too late.

Do you think the people that have gone through this, some of us for TWO PLUS YEARS post here because we have nothing better to do? That we get our kicks from giving off bad advice and sharing horrible experiences just for the hell of it?

I am sorry but I think it stinks. You have NO IDEA the pain one feels when their marriage ends and they look back and realize that things could have been different had they actually put the effort in to doing what thousands of people have done that helped.

I learn from this site EVERY DAY. I am inspired EVERY DAY. I try and offer my experience or insight if I think it might help EVERY DAY. I also get very frustrated when new people just don't think we know what the hell we are talking about.

I am terribly sorry for this rant but lately this has really been upsetting me and I care about this forum and the people on it way too much to keep quiet any longer.

Sorry.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why do you think I don't post as much anymore, CG?

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Amen CG.

[newmama]

Citygirl, I understand what you are saying, but it is an emotional process. You can tell someone the stages of grief but you won't be able to make them
1)follow the stages in order
2)only stay certain stages for a set amount of time

we each need to have our own process and experience our low point/aha moment to "get it" (IMO).


THANK YOU ALL FOR "WASTING YOUR TIME WITH US NEWBIES :-)"

[nsw1222]

What did you talk about?

It was about the R.

I was really upset yesterday after we parted company and it just kept going downhill. I sent her a message about the snow and how it was buimming me out. then after she was done with work I called and was upset.

The gist of what we talked about was how I wanted some hope that we would be able to work on things and she said she couldnt promise that there would be hope.

For some reason she kept saying that I wanted her to just come back and forgive everything like nothing ever happened. I responded saying how I know it takes time...months even years for things like this to work out...but that I just wanted hope that we would try.

We talked about things she had issue with in the R and how I had worked on changing all that, and she remarked that some of the things I had done or that I now wanted to do "is not you"...and that "people cant change in 2 months". She said how in the past if she asked me to change I might do it for a day and then the next day things were back to the way they were.

So she's still hanging on to the thought that I will never change. She's also hanging on to the resentment that I didnt really work on any changes until she left.

As I said things could have ended well if the convo had been dropped but then things were said that cant be taken back...she left angry with D3 and supposedly went through hell over some of what was said in the heat of the moment while she was gone with D3.

I apologized for speaking out in the heat of the moment but she told me I could apologize all I wanted it wouldnt make a difference. She said all she wants to do is be left alone, that she had lost all respect for me, etc. She said she would only talk about D3 from now on...no more texts/calls/chit-chat...and that I was annoying her so much that she was thinking about a R.O.

Granted she's a rageaholic and was still super pissed when she said all this, along with some other hurtful insults, but I cant afford to not take her threats seriously.

I mean I never took her constant threats about leaving seriously and she eventually made good on that. She went thought the whole "we're done, d-o-n-e" speech again.

The strange thing is she apologized to me "for being such a B*tch" in her words.

But as I said I'm done without a choice. Had I listened to the vets from the start things might be different...had I known about and implemented any of this the day the bomb was dropped things might be different...but that's all said and done and cant be changed.

As the saying goes when you play with fire...you're bound to get burned.

[CityGirl]

Of course it is an emotional process. I don't recall ANYBODY implying it was not an emotional process. Never once.

Nobody is suggesting not to feel or process what you need to feel and there is no set timeline on how that should go.

However there are certain things... ONE THING... the LBS can set out to do, no matter how hard it is, to get on the path.

No R talks. One thing. That is not to say one should not feel how they need to feel but make ONE GOAL and stick to it.

Nobody is saying ANYBODY is a waste of time. I may be direct but I am NOT cruel and don't consider any human a waste of anything.

That is why we ALL are. To offer support and encouragement as the LBS takes the necessary steps WHILE going through their own emotional process.

[MrBond]

"But as I said I'm done without a choice. "

You had a choice. But rather than giving her the space it seems like she kept asking for, you kept bugging her. I wouldn't say she was a rageaholic. If someone you didn't like kept bugging you, I think you'd get pissed too.

All you did was get her pissed and now you're saying "oh well I guess it's what I wanted in the first place".

Have you done anything for yourself during all this? You say that you haven't listened to any of the DB seniors so far. Well it's not too late, even though you keep muttering to yourself that it is. If the people on DB have started to lose respect for you, it's no wonder your W has.

Start TODAY. No calling, talking, etc. GAL. Get her respect back by getting your confidence back.

[Gnosis]

Ditto CG.

It get's downright discouraging to see people waffle and screw up... to watch them throw away their lives and live in misery, pain and suffering.... when it could have been avoided.

But... WTF do we know... right?

[CityGirl]

Well, truth be told, I probably know NOTHING beyond my own experience and paying very close attention to the experiences that are posted here along with the experienced shared in my 'real life' divorce support group.

I am no expert at anything. It doesn't take a genius of any sort to see pattern after pattern and being able to predict the outcome before it happens. Not because I am an EXPERT but I have immersed myself in all *this* for two years.

I don't pretend to be anything I am not. I am a woman who has endured my fair share and in turn, I have learned an awful lot.

Maybe I can help, maybe not. But if I can help somebody avoid the 50 bazillion mistakes I made, well, I am going to put it out there.

I don't have "vet" status nor any sort of credentials other than saying I have had the experience. That is it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

[CityGirl]

And please pardon my rudeness as that is not how I planned to release all of this.

Random outbursts are not productive, I know.

My sincere apologies to all.