She told me over lunch today - I am rooting for you because I don't want to go into the dating world to have to pick up as a single mother. I want you to find who you are so we can build a stronger more meaningful relationship.
That is pretty encouraging. It seems like you should be able to build on that. Start working on yourself!
"I am rooting for you because I don't want to go into the dating world to have to pick up as a single mother. I want you to find who you are so we can build a stronger more meaningful relationship. The guy I know, though, is not capable of that."
How nice of her to blame you for her actions. Has she shown any remorse over what SHE has done? True you had your own issues, but let's face it. It takes two to get to where we're at.
Unless she takes personal responsibility for the things that she's done wrong in the R, especially the cheating, you're just making it easy for her to walk away because everything was YOUR fault.
I've seen this time and time again. Don't be fooled. You are going to be seriously disappointed if you do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mike's YEARS of porn use is nothing compared to his wife's couple MONTHS of inappropriate emails?
He should "lay down the law" with her and tell her what a horrible person she is, even maybe tell her that she needs to move out?
He shouldn't try to find middle ground with his spouse, the mother of his child?
Are you suggesting that the ONLY way to deal with marital crisis, no matter the behind the scenes issues, is to establish that "firm boundary," grab firmly on your "NUTS," and "Be a Man?"
I guess marriage counseling is for sissies too.
Not every situation calls for confrontation and ultimatums.
People do bad things. Infidelity is just one of those bad things. Many marriages have survived despite infidelities and they did not necessarily require someone becoming an alpha male butthead to get it done.
Could we maybe try to see the ENTIRE picture here, instead of knee jerk reacting every time we see the letters OP?
Good lord.
Mike, I hope you'll take ALL the advice you are given and consider what you feel is best for YOUR situation. And keep in mind, post count is no reflection of the accuracy of the information you are receiving. And I include myself in that statement.
Blessing,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bworl, I think Mike admitted his remorse to his wife, that he wasn't a great husband - I don't remember hearing the same from his wife and you know what... he won't. She won't show any remorse for her actions because she has all the power in this relationship and she controls it and him and regardless of any message she gives him, she is just getting his hopes up to keep him in his place.
I've heard it 100 times on this site and it never gets old.
Bworl, you sound jaded and angry. Can I ask you what is your current situation with your wife?
Sounds to me that when you hear someone spouting advice you don't agree with, you tend to tell that person they sound angry and jaded.
The angry part is partially correct, but only in the sense that I am finding thread after thread where NEW people are being advised to become assholes and kick their cheating spouses to the curb, with little to no thought as to what the whole picture of their story is.
This guy has a chance to save his marriage. But not if he becomes a jerk like you all suggest.
Call me what you want.
For what it's worth, I am a happily married man with two wonderful sons and three amazing step children. No jaded man here.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I can tell this subject hits pretty close to home with you. The thing is that there is really no ONE person who is responsible for the issues. Sure he had his addictions, but did it give his W a reason to cheat? Of course not. She should have just left him. Period.
There is no justification for cheating. Plus the fact that she has not shown any remorse for her actions after he has pretty much placed alot of the burden on himself. Both made mistakes. Both should come clean on their own part of what went wrong.
Let's face it. Oftentimes the WASs that we see on the boards do come across as having a "holier than thou" attitude towards the LBS. Does it give them permission to continue their bad behavior? They don't take the responsibility for the things they did even though the LBS does.
When it seems like she is putting much the onus on HIM changing without understanding why she did what she did is going to lead to disaster. You've seen it time and time again on hear.
Plus, just because someone has had an addictive or abusive past, doesn't give an excuse to how they are in the present. Mike's owned up to his side. It's her turn to do the same.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And for the record, I didn't say to kick her to the curb. I just feel that if this is to become a REAL reconciliation, then she has to look at her issues as well.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm not sure how any of you guys know that Mike's wife has not agreed that she was wrong. I don't remember him sharing either way.
He has shared that she does not believe he is capable of changing, which is not a line but a typical state for a spouse to find herself in after years and years of behavior from a husband that says "I don't love or need you."
My problem with the focus on HER behavior, is that this is counter to anything in Divorcebusting.
Mike cannot control her behavior. He can only control his. And if he wants to win his wife back, which presumably does, he appears to have a spouse who is still open to the possibility.
It will be enough for him to get her to agree to stop the involvement with others. He has just as much reason to trust her as she does to trust him. For that matter, she's behaved properly for many more years than he has.
He should NOT be in the position of power/control here, if either of them needs to be in that position.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I do appreciate the points and counterpoints and am learning a lot.
She is a good person. She has never in the 20-25 years that I have known her crossed the line or dabbled her toe across the line.
We have talked over the past few years how our relationship had become exclusively utilitarian and I was blinded by my own lust for vices to pick up on the warning signal.
Realize, if she had not provided full disclosure leading up to this point, I would still be in the dark wondering how to fix the hole in my heart as to why I was not receiving fulfillment or completelness from what I was doing.
Sure, she has crossed the line and there is no "correcting" that - there is only showing her that she made a mistake and that isn't going to happen 1) overnight & 2) if she knows I am doing things to insinuate she made a mistake.
No, I got a good feeling about this and I am going to get new people in the process.
Mike, has your W ever apologized for her A? or even shown any remorse?
Remorse and not regret. Regret is feeling sorry that she got caught and is not sorry for the act. Remorse is understanding that there is a problem and that she owns up to it.
I also didn't see in your posts that your W ever brought up your addiction as being a problem. It seems like something you brought up.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
