I would like to hear from Cutter, Puppy, and others on how to save some type of love for WAW- when there is absolutely nothing to love about her right now.
Three things helped me more than anything else:
1) PRAYER. Daily asking for God's wisdom, discernment and clarity, and for His STRENGTH to do what I needed to do. I often specifically asked Him to allow me to see and hear the things He felt I NEEDED to see and hear, in order to do The Right Thing in my sitch that day. Which leads me to #2 . . .
2) INTEL. Trust me, if you saw and heard the things that I saw and heard in my sitch, you would have a harder time with the "loving" part of "loving detachment" than you would with the "detachment" part. But I decided early on that I wanted to be dealing from a position of TRUTH, and since there wasn't a whole lot of it coming from my wife at that point, that left it up to me to get reliable, independent intel.
3) It helped to think of my wife as an ADDICT, which, of course, she was. Affairs are HIGHLY addictive (remember the otherwise-sane female astronaut, who drove from TX to FL wearing an adult diaper, rather than taking bathroom stops so she could get there quicker to avenge her man??) I tried to think if the situation were reversed, and I had a drug, alcohol or gambling problem. Would my wife still love me, and fight for our marriage? I would hope so.
I also prayed this prayer every day, which really helped me keep my heart in the proper place:
MY PRAYER FOR MY MARRIAGE:
Father, thank you for my family. Thank you for giving my children to me to care for, and (Wife) to me to help. Forgive me for the times that I haven’t appreciated them, and done my very best.
Father, I lift up (Wife) to you and ask for you to protect her today. Protect her from physical and emotional harm, and from the enticements of this world. Strengthen her to be the godly woman and strong mother that you want her to be. Give her encouragement that there is hope for her marriage, and that her efforts can result in a better, happier life for her, me and our children and grandchildren someday. Please open her eyes to the painful realities of divorce and separation and infidelity, and give her wisdom to make good decisions. Lord, I acknowledge that you gave us all Free Will, but I ask for your extra grace for (Wife) during this difficult time.
Father God, I lift up myself to you, and ask for you to give me strength today. Give me the strength to do the daily work that needs to be done to restore my marriage, my family, and my finances. Give me the wisdom to make good decisions, and please give me the godly discernment to detect potential danger to my family, and give me the courage to be vigilant and do what’s necessary to protect my wife and my family. Lord, give me the PATIENCE to keep working at this, and help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR, And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN, instead of in appearances and the seeming hopelessness of a given situation.
Father, help me restore my marriage. Help me to be a better father, a better husband, and a stronger example to my children, especially my young men. Help (Wife) to be a better mother, a better wife, and a godly example to our children, especially our young women. Help her display, in her daily life today, the balance between strength and independence of a confident woman, and the humility and godliness that you require of her, and let that be an example to our daughters.
Lord, help me get thru this day, and live it in such a way that if it were to be the last day of my marriage, That you would be proud of the effort I gave, and the example I led.
WOW- Thanks Puppy- I really needed to see that, I appreciate you sharing it w/ me
That's why he is the Pupster.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
PUP I used your prayer last night. It felt good to offer a prayer that wasn't a bargain of some type- to accept His Will and pray for safety and growth.
NC w/ W- feel pretty good about it. A part of me is sad b/c I do want to share my feelings of my Uncle- but obv. w/ someone who cares. And I wouldn't want my true remorse and saddness to be miscontrued as bait or manipulation.
This is going to be a terrible year for my family- when it rains it pours. I guess my job is to carry it all gracefully and not let it spin me out of control. Life on lifes terms.
Still doing some reading, going to buy some new books this weekend. Still trying to break my habbit of not hitting the gym- can't believe I gave that up throughout this saga.
I did learn that OM is having some work problems- I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me a little happy. I have no doubt that OM and W had something going on- now I feel like there in an OM2- happens to be friends w/ OM as well. OM2 and W are from the same hometown, hes 10 years older- and from what I can tell he's a party animal.
I do feel alone and that it would be easier for me to start to form an EA of some sort- but it's really important to me to be able to heal w/o that crutch. I know that doing it now is out of need and weakness- something to take the bite out.
I've done really well in staying away from that scenario. i'm sure it would boost my confidence, but I am truly not interested in pursuing anything w/ anyone.
I have found multiple e-mails from a landlord to W and MIL- they are becoming increasingly more demanding and threatening. Apparently W and MIL have signed a lease and not yet paid- and are not in contact w/ the landlord.
Email is threatening litigation and asking for 1600 by today, otherwise 5300 plus attorney fees.
On top of that there's the job issues w/ OM- it seems his boss is coming down on him- the boss is very entitled and fickle- that's why W dropped him as a client a year ago.
W and OM are going nuts-
It seems there may be a crisis in the works- I actually feel calm and free, so that's a good thing.
Well you best be getting some legal council on all this now. And get yourself squared off financially. And cut the purse strings if you have any with her still.
Any cards that are in both your names. Cancel them now. Right now.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
But I decided early on that I wanted to be dealing from a position of TRUTH, and since there wasn't a whole lot of it coming from my wife at that point, that left it up to me to get reliable, independent intel.